So, I'm back to IRC. Again.

Like I used to be.

Part of me really does want to have a "boyfriend". And I put it in quotes because a lot of people have a different way of thinking of such things.

Mr. Asshat did not like the term applied to people he did not live with. But by conventional means, were we were boyfriend/girlfriend. I just don't know what someone means by it...the term can cover quite a bit of ground.

To me, the term "boyfriend" means someone I have sex with regularly, possibly go to dinner every now and again, and that we have some kind of emotional connection. It does not include living together, nor will it ever. My bar's set so high, that it will take a legal contract to get me to live with anyone. That moves from "boyfriend" to "husband" in that case, the whole living with someone. It's not something I really can understand. I mean, my friends do it, and it's fine for them, but I just don't understand living with someone unless I'm married to them. It makes life so much easier...breakups, time alone, that kind of thing. On one level, I can understand the whole living together to see if we can kinda thing, but I can pretty much get that by spending time with someone, without actually living with them. I guess I just haven't found the right person for whom I'd willingly fall into debt and co-signing a lease with. Don't know if I ever will.

But I really don't want to be caught in that malicious trap of having to prop up someone else at the expense of myself. I just can't do that anymore. I'm not willing to. So maybe I don't want to be in a relationship. I just don't know at this point, because of hideous society. I mean, there are some things I can deal with in a relationship, but other things...well, unless I shot the guy out of my vagina, I'm not responsible for a lot things. And a lot of guys expect way too much out of women.

It starts to get pretty stupid if you think about it, and I really try not to, when it comes to that kind of thing. But I can't help wanting to have a boyfriend - someone who cares about what the hell I'm saying, who finds me fascinating, and who listens to what I have to say. Most guys don't care, and my relationships have taught me that it doesn't matter what I say, they will never listen - never truly listen. Which has always amazed me, because I am extraordinarily precise about things. I don't sugarcoat my abrasive personality - I'm very honest about it. So I'm always puzzled at why guys seem to think I'm a mystery. I'm not. Why should I be? And even then, most guys assume I'm just like every other "girl". No, I'm not, never have been, and if it makes you creeped out, not my fucking problem. Never has been my problem, and never will be.

So then - why bother? Why even bother with the stupid bullshit that girls are gold diggers and whatnot, and have to even try to break through the layers of society around them? If I had listened to society, I'd be married and have a couple of small children around. But I'm not like that. That's fundamentally not what I am. But to try to get through to guys about that...ugh, it's hard enough to get them to listen, but to listen to that, forget it.

My mother said, "Accept him as he is". That's all fine and good, if they can accept me for who I am, which apparently, is a impossibility. And thus, the conundrum. Do I really want a boyfriend, or am I just better off alone?