Just thinking.

So I was reading this one blog, that was about writing and someone's personal life, and the writing was melodramatic and a bit stuffy for my tastes...and then I suddenly thought, "Jesus, do I sound like that? DEAR GOD, KILL ME NOW!"

I really hope it's not like stuffy and pretentious. I mean, sometimes I really indulge in a bit of pretentiousness, but I really try not to, as I see it as a worse habit than smoking. I'm more inclined to do so the more I drink, but at most, I go out drinking once a week, so I try to keep a lid on it. Mostly I'm successful. I also try not to be an asshole, but that doesn't work as well.

I really do not know where I get this bizarre entitlement to sex and/or a having a boyfriend. I am of average looks and brains, not terribly fascinating nor exciting, childhood wasn't so bad, despite the teasing thing, teenage years were pretty normal for a suburban dwelling teen, didn't get into a lot of trouble. Actually, my life has been pretty boring with a splash of excitement here and there. I've really only had two boyfriends and People That I Have Slept With, and that's about it. I mean, yeah, my mother was always saying stupid shit like, "They'll be falling all over themselves to be with you", but I've never once fucking believed that shit. Are you kidding me? Riiiight.

I mean, I really don't want to grow old by myself, I would like to have someone there, because that's always nice. But I'll do it alone, if I have to, if I don't meet someone. At worst, I could always spend the rest of my life with Mr. Asshat, as we actually get along now, and well, he's seen the crazy, so he'd know what to expect, but I sincerely think that I'd never be that crazy again. I mean, there was a lot of shit going on at that time. I'm different than I was years ago.

But I'd rather not.

With that also comes a point where I just don't want to go home with guys at the bar anymore. Or at least, the ones I know. I mean, occasionally I'll feel like it, but not really. And I know half of that is fear of attracting the crazy, because boy do I. I'm a crazy magnet, plus a spent a few years being crazy myself, but the crazy I attract is far crazier than my own. (It's just easier to have a one night stand and not know about the crazy.) But I find it interesting that once I stopped being like den mother to bar/coffee shop folk, suddenly I had no friends and no prospects. I refuse to be someone's mother. And with that, it seems, I'm sitting there in the bar writing in a notebook about how no one loves me, guess I'll go eat worms. Well, my pity party of one plus random hilarious observations and ideas. And I really hate to be the pity party of one, but that whole entitlement thing comes back. Half of those screeds start with, "I am not entitled to anything", because why I need that reminder, I don't know. Not entitled to someone's time, not entitled to conversation, not entitled to someone else's reproductive equipment.

And I know people mean well when they say, "But you are fascinating!" If I really was, I'd be swinging on the skin pole a lot more than I am now. It'd be worth it to someone that they'd want to be with me. But most of the time, that's just not the case. I don't think I'm exceptional or such hot shit or anything. But that's not to mean I think of myself as worthless. Oh, no. I am worthy of respect and love, because I'm a human being. At the very least, worthy of basic human dignity.

But then I wonder - are people conflating arrogance with confidence? Is my problem more along the lines of not being arrogant? I know shit, but christ, I don't claim to know everything. I'd have a stroke if I tried. Maybe that's what it is; that I used to be an arrogant jackass, but I've since grown out of that. I mean, I did lose some confidence, but I've gotten that back, for the most part. But then again, I remember saying things along the lines of "I don't know everything" when I was much younger. The more I think about it, those years of being arrogant, maybe that explains it. I just don't have the energy for that anymore.

Mischievous. That's what I have time for. I'd rather be silly than arrogant. At least I laugh more that way. Maybe I'll just continue to coast along on that idea, for I don't think I really could take down my OkCupid profile. It is a work of art, something that skirts the line between "Are you serious?" and "Well, there are some serious details". Because I like toeing that line. It's fun. And that's not to say I'll give up having sex at all (I have learned that are some things in life are worth driving two hours for) or wanting a boyfriend. It just means I'll work at changing my expectations of going to the bar to only include "getting drunk".

I think, really, all I need to do is distract myself when I start feeling entitled about things. I did manage to spend four days reading epic flame war threads and the whole archives of Why Women Hate Men, as well as Desparately Seeking...Something? (Up until I read that last one, I did not know that guys willing posted their dick pictures on Craigslist. You would think that they wouldn't, seeing as how pictures on the internet can be routinely mocked. I will never be able to get the words "Sad Dick Syndrome" out of my head.)

Here's to hoping August is better...