Random
My horoscope from Astrocenter.com:
Life is slowing down a little, although the movement of the Sun into your sign this week highlights your self-expression. You will be very much aware of how emotional factors from the past are affecting your performance in the present, and if you are astute you might be able to use this to make significant changes to your general performance. The fact that Venus continues to be retrograde in your sign may also be bringing you in contact with people or even partners from your past. This in itself will be a healing factor if you can manage to hold any conversations with them that should have occurred some time back. Your love life could be moving along very slowly, but letting go of any unfinished business will certainly be a great help right now. Don't underestimate this. The trine between Jupiter and Pluto is enabling you to really push for what you want, even if you have been feeling any sense of inadequacy in the past. Mercury makes a sextile to both planets and this enables you to listen to some of the deeper whispers of your soul. You have a chance to hear what your heart has been trying to tell you for so long. Don't be afraid to let your emotions flow this week.
Sometimes there are horoscopes that are trival to life, a bit meaningless or trite to you, and never reflect anything you are feeling/thinking/doing. And then there's the times when a horoscope hits you hard, smack dab right between the eyes. There are only two sources for horoscopes that I take somewhat seriously because, more often than not, they represent what I am thinking/feeling/doing. But when I get these cosmic warnings, I don't know what to do. This one is encouraging...because I'm feeling a little confused of late over a situation. And yes, it does involve a boy. There comes a point in a quasi-serious/friends with benefits relationship where a line has to be drawn. Either you are friends or you are not. Either you are "hooked up" or not. There comes a time when there isn't really an inbetween. A point where it either moves forward, backward, or halts in its tracks.
Or maybe I'm just feeling that way. I just don't know. I'm tired of the same old inbetweenness I get from boys. It's fun for the first fifteen minutes but then it gets old. It's just a self esteem thing, I guess. What? Am I not worthy to be someone's girlfriend? Are they just waiting for better things to come around? Am I just a distraction to wile away the time? I mean, I don't doubt that they don't feel something for me, but what is it with me and them? I just don't get it. Am I intimidating? Am I too stupid? Am I too stubborn? What? What am I doing wrong?
And now I think of what my cousin's going through. We're not so strong as we look. We take it for granted that for some reason, by whatever deity's grace, we are allowed to live. Why the hell should I even get down about this kind of thing? Life is too damn short to worry about boys...or about my hapiness...wait, did I just say that?
Oh, forget it. I'm going to go drown my sorrows in coffee now. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow.
(Staind: "I can't mend, but I feel, that tomorrow will be okay...")
Monday, October 21, 2002
Wednesday, October 16, 2002
Food For Thought
Open Letter To My Cuz:
I love ya, girlie. You are the sister I never had. In fact, at times I think of you as my sister. We grew up together (because of our paranoid mothers). We're from some of the same stock. And because you're three years younger than I am, we were always thrown together. There are people I talk to who never see or speak to their own siblings, let alone cousins, let alone cousins being like siblings and friends to them. We have it lucky.
I only say this because of the thing in your head. Yeah, I understand that you're scared. So am I. I wouldn't want to ever lose one of my good friends and personal confidantes. That thought is terrifying. I want you to be around for a long, long time. I want you to be my maid of honor at my wedding (whenever I decide to get married, that is!). I want to be able to call you up and chat over our children (whenever that will be). I want us to take our daughters out shopping in December like our mothers do with us. There are sooo many things that we have yet to do together....
And I don't want you to go insane with everyone treating you like you're going to die. Whatever it is, you will be okay. But don't let this whole experience lead you to jump into decisions that you might regret later. Remember what I said? So what you break his heart? If you marry him, it could be worse. And how happy is he going to be if you're not happy? If he's happy with you and he doesn't care or notice that you're unhappy, then what is the point of marrying someone? Just because everyone else pressures you into it? It's your life. I try to give you the other side of it. Remember, I almost got married. In some ways, I was afraid to. In other ways, it just wouldn't work out. He knew when I was unhappy but he didn't always know it. Sometimes it seemed as if he didn't care. And I did try. For now, be content on being your age and don't worry about it. You don't really have to get married until you're thirty. And if your brother or sister marry before you, be happy for them. You make your own choices. You're the one that has to live with it day in and day out. And if you can't see that happening, RUN!
And I know you're not going to die or anything. But it does make me think -- what if I was the one that had something wrong with me? It's scary for me in that sense too. Maybe I don't care so much about school. Maybe I just want to spend more time with people. I would hate to lose you to anything. And maybe there are times where we don't get to speak to each other a whole lot, but then there are times when we can't stop chatting (so how many times do you come over to my desk? hehehe.) I mean, I can't get those silly times out of my head...
Remember when we used to sleep in your parent's room? That was fun. We'd giggle all night. It was funny when I put those pillows under the blanket and went and hid in the closet...and you came and jumped on them, expecting to scare the hell out of me. And then I jumped out of the closet and you screamed. Or when you got your own room, the nights where we'd stay up and play Waterworks or Mille Bournes and eat copious amounts of Coca Puffs (or the bag equivalent -- those were packed with more sugary goodness) and when we were slightly older, we'd stay up and play Canasta and drink lots of Mountain Dew and Pepsi and eat ice cream. How could I live without the person with whom I played "bakery" with? (Your parents must have kept Builder's Square in business with all that sand they bought. Didn't they close not long after your parents got rid of the sandbox?)
But I guess my point is, there's a lot of memories there, there's the family ties there, and it takes lots to destroy them. And I know you'll be alright. And I know that everything will go back to a somewhat chaotic normal. But for now, Cuz, I love ya, and don't think that you'd get rid of me that easily.
Open Letter To My Cuz:
I love ya, girlie. You are the sister I never had. In fact, at times I think of you as my sister. We grew up together (because of our paranoid mothers). We're from some of the same stock. And because you're three years younger than I am, we were always thrown together. There are people I talk to who never see or speak to their own siblings, let alone cousins, let alone cousins being like siblings and friends to them. We have it lucky.
I only say this because of the thing in your head. Yeah, I understand that you're scared. So am I. I wouldn't want to ever lose one of my good friends and personal confidantes. That thought is terrifying. I want you to be around for a long, long time. I want you to be my maid of honor at my wedding (whenever I decide to get married, that is!). I want to be able to call you up and chat over our children (whenever that will be). I want us to take our daughters out shopping in December like our mothers do with us. There are sooo many things that we have yet to do together....
And I don't want you to go insane with everyone treating you like you're going to die. Whatever it is, you will be okay. But don't let this whole experience lead you to jump into decisions that you might regret later. Remember what I said? So what you break his heart? If you marry him, it could be worse. And how happy is he going to be if you're not happy? If he's happy with you and he doesn't care or notice that you're unhappy, then what is the point of marrying someone? Just because everyone else pressures you into it? It's your life. I try to give you the other side of it. Remember, I almost got married. In some ways, I was afraid to. In other ways, it just wouldn't work out. He knew when I was unhappy but he didn't always know it. Sometimes it seemed as if he didn't care. And I did try. For now, be content on being your age and don't worry about it. You don't really have to get married until you're thirty. And if your brother or sister marry before you, be happy for them. You make your own choices. You're the one that has to live with it day in and day out. And if you can't see that happening, RUN!
And I know you're not going to die or anything. But it does make me think -- what if I was the one that had something wrong with me? It's scary for me in that sense too. Maybe I don't care so much about school. Maybe I just want to spend more time with people. I would hate to lose you to anything. And maybe there are times where we don't get to speak to each other a whole lot, but then there are times when we can't stop chatting (so how many times do you come over to my desk? hehehe.) I mean, I can't get those silly times out of my head...
Remember when we used to sleep in your parent's room? That was fun. We'd giggle all night. It was funny when I put those pillows under the blanket and went and hid in the closet...and you came and jumped on them, expecting to scare the hell out of me. And then I jumped out of the closet and you screamed. Or when you got your own room, the nights where we'd stay up and play Waterworks or Mille Bournes and eat copious amounts of Coca Puffs (or the bag equivalent -- those were packed with more sugary goodness) and when we were slightly older, we'd stay up and play Canasta and drink lots of Mountain Dew and Pepsi and eat ice cream. How could I live without the person with whom I played "bakery" with? (Your parents must have kept Builder's Square in business with all that sand they bought. Didn't they close not long after your parents got rid of the sandbox?)
But I guess my point is, there's a lot of memories there, there's the family ties there, and it takes lots to destroy them. And I know you'll be alright. And I know that everything will go back to a somewhat chaotic normal. But for now, Cuz, I love ya, and don't think that you'd get rid of me that easily.
Sunday, October 13, 2002
More Amusement
My horoscope from Astrocenter.com:
Venus continues to be retrograde in your sign, and this is making you very aware of the reasons why current relationships may be going through a rough patch. If you want to heal the issues that are plaguing you then use the energy available at this time to look within and see what the root cause may be. Venus also trines Jupiter over the course of this week and this makes you buzz with excitement concerning a special challenge within your current career. You know that if you play your cards right you can have that promotion or get to head that new project, and you also know exactly what to do to win. Don't go over the top but enjoy pitting your wits and skills against the others. Right at the start of the week Mars makes a square to Saturn and this will create obstacles when it comes to negotiating a business or other deal in which resources or property is being pooled or mortgaged out. Don't worry, this won't be for long, perhaps a day or two, and you might find that the wait actually turns things in your favor. Jupiter trines Pluto which enables you to go from strength to strength especially where your earning capacity is concerned.
With the way things are going at work, I hope that this is true. I BETTA get more money. I'm trying to sort things out with my supervisors (because we can't have just one) but I keep getting the runaround. It's getting ridiculous.
When Nature Strikes:
I was sitting at my computer peacefully typing away and singing to music, writing at a good clip for Crazy Girl In Crazy World. Out of the corner of my eye, I spot something moving. What could this offending creature be? AN ANT! Those who know me best know about my deep seething hatred of ants. At least it wasn't a winged one. I cursed at it and killed the damn thing. I hate Nature.
My horoscope from Astrocenter.com:
Venus continues to be retrograde in your sign, and this is making you very aware of the reasons why current relationships may be going through a rough patch. If you want to heal the issues that are plaguing you then use the energy available at this time to look within and see what the root cause may be. Venus also trines Jupiter over the course of this week and this makes you buzz with excitement concerning a special challenge within your current career. You know that if you play your cards right you can have that promotion or get to head that new project, and you also know exactly what to do to win. Don't go over the top but enjoy pitting your wits and skills against the others. Right at the start of the week Mars makes a square to Saturn and this will create obstacles when it comes to negotiating a business or other deal in which resources or property is being pooled or mortgaged out. Don't worry, this won't be for long, perhaps a day or two, and you might find that the wait actually turns things in your favor. Jupiter trines Pluto which enables you to go from strength to strength especially where your earning capacity is concerned.
With the way things are going at work, I hope that this is true. I BETTA get more money. I'm trying to sort things out with my supervisors (because we can't have just one) but I keep getting the runaround. It's getting ridiculous.
When Nature Strikes:
I was sitting at my computer peacefully typing away and singing to music, writing at a good clip for Crazy Girl In Crazy World. Out of the corner of my eye, I spot something moving. What could this offending creature be? AN ANT! Those who know me best know about my deep seething hatred of ants. At least it wasn't a winged one. I cursed at it and killed the damn thing. I hate Nature.
Sunday, October 06, 2002
Amusement
My horoscope from Astrocenter.com:
Venus in your own sign turns retrograde over the course of this week which means that you will be looking back at the past, and specifically at any emotional issues that may seem to arise out of the swamps to greet you once again. These will certainly involve people and problems that you might have thought you had laid to rest, only to discover that they are back to haunt you. Do something positive this time, you certainly will have long enough to do so. Be prepared to look inside yourself and see where your attitude in relationships could be more tolerant and understanding. If you make the corrections within yourself then everything will clear up on the outside as well. There are also some interesting issues arising in terms of your social life and current friends. Both Mercury and Mars in Virgo are squaring Saturn, which may temporarily bring about a situation in which you find yourself having to cut your losses as far as one friendship or perhaps group is concerned. You have probably known this was going to happen for some time now, so it won't be a surprise, but may be a little sad, as saying goodbye is never easy. Jupiter in your career house makes a wonderful trine with Pluto, which means that you can't put a foot wrong. Your career and image are blossoming.
Interesting. This one, I think, may have something there....
My horoscope from Astrocenter.com:
Venus in your own sign turns retrograde over the course of this week which means that you will be looking back at the past, and specifically at any emotional issues that may seem to arise out of the swamps to greet you once again. These will certainly involve people and problems that you might have thought you had laid to rest, only to discover that they are back to haunt you. Do something positive this time, you certainly will have long enough to do so. Be prepared to look inside yourself and see where your attitude in relationships could be more tolerant and understanding. If you make the corrections within yourself then everything will clear up on the outside as well. There are also some interesting issues arising in terms of your social life and current friends. Both Mercury and Mars in Virgo are squaring Saturn, which may temporarily bring about a situation in which you find yourself having to cut your losses as far as one friendship or perhaps group is concerned. You have probably known this was going to happen for some time now, so it won't be a surprise, but may be a little sad, as saying goodbye is never easy. Jupiter in your career house makes a wonderful trine with Pluto, which means that you can't put a foot wrong. Your career and image are blossoming.
Interesting. This one, I think, may have something there....
Random Memory
A girl sits in the coffee shop, reading something, a book, a newspaper...homework. She is drinking coffee and sitting by herself. She is a people watcher. She glances at the people who come in and stares at any intriguing character. At this time, there are only a few. Not many worth noting. Except for one. A bald-headed guy in a black trenchcoat. He's got handcuffs on his jacket. There's been times where he's been in front of her in line and she just stares at them. They're good for pondering. She wonders where his whip is because that would just complete the outfit. So would leather. She's not too fond of bald-headed guys though -- unless they're black. And dark black. Those are about the only guys in the world who can pull off the shaved head look. It looks prisonlike for white guys to have bald heads. Macho. And she doesn't like macho. But those handcuffs. She muses that they've been used on a few woman...worn like a badge of honor or conquest. That thought is amusing. She smiles at it, content that people can't read her mind. She loves pondering and the moments to ponder. She has no idea why she feels the urge to stare at him. Maybe it's the fact that he's wearing all black, has handcuffs on his coat, and has squinty eyes. He looks a little tough. She also has seen him with a hat. That's the part where she wonders just what kind of look he's trying to accomplish. Tough Guy. Ooooo. But at least it's tasteful, unlike the teenyboppers who like to wear next to nothing. Slut as a fashion statement always annoyed her. This guy just looked threatening. But the handcuffs always made her smile. She muses that they could be an open invitation for, uh, the spicier side of life. Of course, there's no other reason to wear them....
A girl sits in the coffee shop, reading something, a book, a newspaper...homework. She is drinking coffee and sitting by herself. She is a people watcher. She glances at the people who come in and stares at any intriguing character. At this time, there are only a few. Not many worth noting. Except for one. A bald-headed guy in a black trenchcoat. He's got handcuffs on his jacket. There's been times where he's been in front of her in line and she just stares at them. They're good for pondering. She wonders where his whip is because that would just complete the outfit. So would leather. She's not too fond of bald-headed guys though -- unless they're black. And dark black. Those are about the only guys in the world who can pull off the shaved head look. It looks prisonlike for white guys to have bald heads. Macho. And she doesn't like macho. But those handcuffs. She muses that they've been used on a few woman...worn like a badge of honor or conquest. That thought is amusing. She smiles at it, content that people can't read her mind. She loves pondering and the moments to ponder. She has no idea why she feels the urge to stare at him. Maybe it's the fact that he's wearing all black, has handcuffs on his coat, and has squinty eyes. He looks a little tough. She also has seen him with a hat. That's the part where she wonders just what kind of look he's trying to accomplish. Tough Guy. Ooooo. But at least it's tasteful, unlike the teenyboppers who like to wear next to nothing. Slut as a fashion statement always annoyed her. This guy just looked threatening. But the handcuffs always made her smile. She muses that they could be an open invitation for, uh, the spicier side of life. Of course, there's no other reason to wear them....
Nothing Short of Random
This from msn.com, about teenagers and shoplifting:
"89% of kids say they know other kids who shoplift."
WHY is that statistic in there? That doesn't tell anyone anything. It's a false "shocking statistic". Yeah, I knew people who shoplifted, but they were the same six people that the WHOLE school knew shoplifted. They made no secret of it. It was pretty obvious. "Oooo....My kid knows someone who shoplifted something." In fact, check out the handful of teens who shoplift versus the number of people in general that are arrested for shoplifting. Profiling? Teens aren't always that evil....
This from msn.com, about teenagers and shoplifting:
"89% of kids say they know other kids who shoplift."
WHY is that statistic in there? That doesn't tell anyone anything. It's a false "shocking statistic". Yeah, I knew people who shoplifted, but they were the same six people that the WHOLE school knew shoplifted. They made no secret of it. It was pretty obvious. "Oooo....My kid knows someone who shoplifted something." In fact, check out the handful of teens who shoplift versus the number of people in general that are arrested for shoplifting. Profiling? Teens aren't always that evil....
Saturday, October 05, 2002
Friday, October 04, 2002
What Labyrinth Charater are you most like?
brought to you by Quizilla
NOW I know why me and L get along....hehehehe. I'M STALKING YOU...I think. I don't really know. It's the cough medicine I tell you....
Alone
You'd never know it by the way she seemed engrossed in her book. Yeah, she's heard the "You'll ruin your eyesight" arguement about fifty times already, here at the bar. What she's really doing is waiting for someone. She knows it's too late for him to show up...he would have shown up to the coffee shop if he was going to be there at the bar. She refuses to think she's a typical girl; that when the guy she loves doesn't show up she goes through the same thoughts over and over...He isn't coming. I wish he were here. Where is he? Maybe he got stuck doing something else...and then it gets worse...Maybe he couldn't catch the bus. Yeah, that has to be it. Didn't have enough money. Was I supposed to pick him up? He didn't really say...or maybe he just assumed I will. But then, it did sound like he was going to meet me. Or...maybe he's playing a game. Or talking to someone else. Or maybe he went somewhere else...? Without me...? But he can do that. I have no right to know anything. Or maybe he forgot about me? Maybe he's mad that I snapped at him last night?...and a thousand and one other possiblities that grow more frantic as she tries to remain cool. Oh, not that she's insecure or anything...not that his smile and laugh make her happy or anything...not that she feels better if he is around or anything...silence and seperation feel like punishment. And what if it's my fault that I didn't get to see him? Then I would feel like a fool. And then she sighs, feeling a little more worthless with each minute, like she's an idiot, a moron, a simpleton...resigned to know that she's not that much of a draw for anyone, much less for him. She decides to order a beer and read her book...ironically, the book that he recommended to her. It's a good book, and momentarily it distracts her from thinking. But when she is done, she is back to thinking again. She decides that one beer is enough and that she should just go home and go to bed...and cry a little, for that is how his absence makes her feel. She gives credit to her friend when he says, "It's not an obligatory thing yet," and that makes her feel even lower than she did before...because that's what she stepped into and as quick as it started it could end, and that, my friends, is what depresses the poetic soul. Just wait, says a voice in her head, until the Most Beautiful Creature In The World shows up, and she's smart, and captures his attention. Remember, Bar Mouse, all you are to them is just a passing fancy, wasted time until they find what they're looking for. And you and us will be alone again...alone as we ever were before. Obligations? You failed at that...remember May 6th, 2001? And we will always amuse you to keep you happy, Echo Spots and Stars at Night, and hell, even Wicked. Nothing lasts forever...you can't possibly hope it can. You charmed the best. Now you've gone further...and he'll run away when he sees those infamous bad moods. No one could ever care enough to hear your bitter, sarcastic, cynical rants. The first line and no one's listening. We do. You'll always have us....
But she still hopes. Tomorrow will better. She'll see him then. She's sure of it. She'll go to bed and wake up feeling better. Really. She will....
You'd never know it by the way she seemed engrossed in her book. Yeah, she's heard the "You'll ruin your eyesight" arguement about fifty times already, here at the bar. What she's really doing is waiting for someone. She knows it's too late for him to show up...he would have shown up to the coffee shop if he was going to be there at the bar. She refuses to think she's a typical girl; that when the guy she loves doesn't show up she goes through the same thoughts over and over...He isn't coming. I wish he were here. Where is he? Maybe he got stuck doing something else...and then it gets worse...Maybe he couldn't catch the bus. Yeah, that has to be it. Didn't have enough money. Was I supposed to pick him up? He didn't really say...or maybe he just assumed I will. But then, it did sound like he was going to meet me. Or...maybe he's playing a game. Or talking to someone else. Or maybe he went somewhere else...? Without me...? But he can do that. I have no right to know anything. Or maybe he forgot about me? Maybe he's mad that I snapped at him last night?...and a thousand and one other possiblities that grow more frantic as she tries to remain cool. Oh, not that she's insecure or anything...not that his smile and laugh make her happy or anything...not that she feels better if he is around or anything...silence and seperation feel like punishment. And what if it's my fault that I didn't get to see him? Then I would feel like a fool. And then she sighs, feeling a little more worthless with each minute, like she's an idiot, a moron, a simpleton...resigned to know that she's not that much of a draw for anyone, much less for him. She decides to order a beer and read her book...ironically, the book that he recommended to her. It's a good book, and momentarily it distracts her from thinking. But when she is done, she is back to thinking again. She decides that one beer is enough and that she should just go home and go to bed...and cry a little, for that is how his absence makes her feel. She gives credit to her friend when he says, "It's not an obligatory thing yet," and that makes her feel even lower than she did before...because that's what she stepped into and as quick as it started it could end, and that, my friends, is what depresses the poetic soul. Just wait, says a voice in her head, until the Most Beautiful Creature In The World shows up, and she's smart, and captures his attention. Remember, Bar Mouse, all you are to them is just a passing fancy, wasted time until they find what they're looking for. And you and us will be alone again...alone as we ever were before. Obligations? You failed at that...remember May 6th, 2001? And we will always amuse you to keep you happy, Echo Spots and Stars at Night, and hell, even Wicked. Nothing lasts forever...you can't possibly hope it can. You charmed the best. Now you've gone further...and he'll run away when he sees those infamous bad moods. No one could ever care enough to hear your bitter, sarcastic, cynical rants. The first line and no one's listening. We do. You'll always have us....
But she still hopes. Tomorrow will better. She'll see him then. She's sure of it. She'll go to bed and wake up feeling better. Really. She will....
Tuesday, October 01, 2002
Find out what kind of driver you are!
I stick my toungue out at my cousin for this. She said I drive like my dad...and I'm not kidding you when the person riding shotgun can't look at the road when he's driving. It's just too scary.
take the which one of the trading spaces cast are you? quiz!
This is rather amusing. Just between me and you, my nonexistant audience, I watch "Trading Spaces" all the time. I'm addicted to that show.
What kind of Drug Addict are you?
Basically, your favorite phrase is "Kiss my ass." You are cynical, negative, and annoyed. Nothing amuses you or holds your attention. You don't care for much of anything in the world, but wouldn't mind a couple extra hours of sleep. Sometimes you just don't know how to deal with all the extra, pointless crap that life throws at you. Hang in there, kiddo. ;)
Randoms
"Traditional Romance" and "Tyler Durden"? Whoa. That sounds like one of the characters from a story I wrote. And it was a male character to boot. Hehehehe. Maybe I wrote about my male side? The concept is rather amusing....
Oh, and the ozone layer is smaller this year than in years past. It's now down to its 1989 level. And it split into two seperate holes.
Maybe we won't all die a firey death after all. Damn. Just when I was getting the hot dogs ready....
"Traditional Romance" and "Tyler Durden"? Whoa. That sounds like one of the characters from a story I wrote. And it was a male character to boot. Hehehehe. Maybe I wrote about my male side? The concept is rather amusing....
Oh, and the ozone layer is smaller this year than in years past. It's now down to its 1989 level. And it split into two seperate holes.
Maybe we won't all die a firey death after all. Damn. Just when I was getting the hot dogs ready....
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