Coming in January, I think I'm gonna go back to trying to lose weight. Hopefully I'll stick with it much longer than I did before. I'd be nice to lose another 30 pounds, even better would be 40, but I don't think I'll get much beyond that. I'm fine with between 110 and 120 pounds, which would put me at slightly overweight. And just in case a random person is reading this and freaking out about the poundage, I'm under five feet. Normal for my height is 90-110. The last time I was 115 was when I was fourth or fifth grade, and when I got my period for the first time, it shot up to 120, 125...and eventually to 130. Of course, that was a while ago, and I weigh more now. I have no illusions that I might not be able to go below 120. Even then, that's not a bad weight, as long as I exercise. I'm hoping to get out of heart attack territory - barring any other factor other than smoking and drinking, like sleep apnea or ill-working heart valves - and be a little bit healthier.

And if you, random person, would instantly congratulate me on such a lofty goal, well, stuff it. I don't want your platitudes and congratulations. You don't know me and it's fake to say it. Hell, when extended members of my family say it, I want to punch them. I do it only because I want to eat healthy and exercise, and if I don't lose any weight, well, that's fine with me. It'd be nice, that is what I want to do, but my years as an invisible short fat woman have taught me that shit like that doesn't matter.

I have to get used to it, don't I?

That no one really wants to talk to me.

That no one finds me fascinating.

It's damn near like a kick in the teeth, that I'm past the expiration date, and there isn't a person who really wants to speak to me. Oh, Hai, You can speak to bartender, Lonely Old Woman. I feel like such an asshole thinking this, but dammit, I do. But then I open my mouth, and guys seems to think I'm totally unfuckable. Apparently, thoughts and opinions don't matter. It makes me sad. And I ask for friends to set me up, but it always turns into "Oh, you're nice, but not my type" kinda thing.

I talked to B, but apparently, he doesn't feel the same way for me, and judging by the fact that he doesn't even call anymore, well, I'm just a friend. I hate, HATE this. Why will I be always the friend and never girlfriend? Isn't there a guy who will take a chance on me? Honestly, it's not like I'm a gold-digging bitch or horrid fridged slut or anything. I am who I am. One guy friend told me, "Oh, you have be more mysterious". Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me. If I want games, I'll play Parchesze, thank you very much. Has Yatzee gone out of style? Really, are you a goddamn adult or not?

I'm tired of people going "oh, well, you're not young enough". Well, fuck you. Is there no one out there? I refuse to believe it, but sometimes...sometimes, I do. Because no one wants to ever talk to me, no matter how interesting the thing I say, no matter how fliratious I may be.

I can't believe in a world of six billion plus, that there's NO ONE out there.

I want to know who was the evil, callous motherfucker who wished for a White Christmas. I cannot take anymore snow. I want personally thank that bastard by slapping him upside the head.

And why on earth does his wishes get granted, and mine don't? Fucker.

I'm feeling nostalgic and philosophical.

I read on Pandagon that nostalgia can be a function to ward off loneliness. And lonely I am. I want things to be the way they were several years ago, when I was having fun. But really, those years did suck, as the fun diminished, the suck got even greater. It was fun when I didn't know everyone well, and over time...well, you get to know people, and you realize that they're not your kind of people.

I've never really felt at home anywhere. I'm set adrift, alone, directionless. I refuse to go back to the Church I grew up in, not out of spite really, but what it's become. Times have become so divisive, stoking fires of discontent so that the rich in their enclaves can watch the rest of us burn from a safe distance. I told a friend her mother was stupid; I will forever feel very guilty at my extraordinary poor choice of words. I respect her mother, a very funny and very smart woman who is a small business owner with smarts. That's rare nowadays, when people forget about long-term investments as long they get rich quick, laughing all the way to the bank. But I bet she doesn't see that her party's been hijacked by Dominionists and Neocons. I don't necessarily believe that religion is an opiate of the masses, but in the right conditions, it can be. Who needs healthcare when the power of Jesus will heal your ills? Except that it doesn't.

Imagine a ten year old girl, teased by classmates. Not just teased as in good natured teasing, we're talking a terroristic campaign waged by classmates to inflict as much pain as possible on her. Stuff stolen, chairs always being pulled out from under her, taunts at how no one likes her and that she should go commit suicide. Think of the worst thing that anyone ever said to you that mattered. Now think of that worst thing being said to you, day in and day out, at least once an hour, for a period of years. You'd feel pretty shitty, wouldn't you?

I know I did.

Unless we take up arms against our perpetrators, they don't listen, and worse, they never learn. I have no hostility nor hate for any child who bombs or shoots up schools. Adults frequently don't understand the complex world of children, and never really seem to remember any of the bad parts of high school. I intensely remember these times, because they are burned into my memory not by choice, but by design. I can't really fault anyone but the adults who choose to blame other things on "random violence" or "video games", who look away when the terrorism happens, who fail to alert the parents. The truth is, they can tell you till they're blue in the face, and you don't even try to empathize with what they're telling you, thinking that it's just pure emotion that comes out of nowhere. Don't make up stories that everyone's secretly jealous of you or that it's not that big of a deal. A child's world is small; once they are school age, a big part of it is school. As we get older, our world expands, but to a ten year old, or a twelve year old, it's not as big as you'd like to think. I know that not everyone's parents are like this, but honestly, a lot are. And parents of those who would do this to a peer...well, I understand. No one wants to think that their child is capable of such cruelty.

And I'm only on my third margarita.

I went to church a lot. I volunteered as an alter server many, many times. Oh, they hated me, called me names, but when they didn't want to serve or had a vacation and needed a replacement, they called me. I gladly accepted it. You see, God gave me strength. The readings, the rituals, the music...it made me feel good. In my darkest hour, God was there for me, listening, helping, making me feel like something cared though no one else did. It was why I did not commit suicide. God gave me solace.

But if I would've had a gun, I would've ended up in juvie, and 20 people would not be alive today...even though I had God.

I've learned over the years to handle conflict and criticism, and to say "Uh-huh" and "Sure" when you know the criticism is bunk. But it still burns me that to this day, my parents never knew. Or, rather, that they didn't believe me. One word from a teacher would have cleared it up, but they didn't.

And I am still alone as ever. I keep thinking about joining a group or something, but I can't. Adult versions of those children terrorize everyone, and everyone caves into them as if their view actually mattered, and it doesn't. Five minutes of thinking will get you to that area. I do not put up with it because I know what it means to be silent and not call them out for what it is. We've all got our problems; your problems are not mine, but that doesn't mean that they're still not problems, and well...no one's problems are worse than any others.

Peace, and don't pretend that children are not capable of utter cruelity.

SNOW DAY!

And we've got Thundersnow. Thank heavens that they actually closed work today. I need new tires on my car and I wouldn't have made it to work without accident...provided I could make it out of my fucking driveway, with all of the high winds and blowing and drifting snow.

Heh, and I've got the whole next week off. It is very awesome.

A Wizard of Sorts.

On Friday, my brother and I went around to all of the houses I have lived in. I remember one time asking my mother about one place where we lived that I had thought that I did not remember, but apparently I had, through dreams. The first place, I would not remember from the outside, but the inside, I would remember well, which apparently I did, based on my mother's memory.

And of all the things I've thought, I remember her - not my mother's - words: "You are a wizard. Those are Wizard staffs, you're a wizard."

In way, I feel I am. I always seek those like me, but of course, I never seem to get out of the service part of it. Being a real wizard, with the power of the universe, isn't all spells. It's service, to our own kind, to help it out of the great pain it's in, to dream and give hope. If I don't have hope, if I can't imbue hope, then what chance do we ever have to have to live?

I cannot deny that I can touch minds, that I can help the dead. I also cannot deny that I can see the future, the past of people, and will try to help them accordingly, despite all odds. I struck out with a magic that didn't understand, and I got hit with a magic I didn't understand. I can't describe to you that feeling. But I want to be involved with it again, and I know there's others like me out there, and I want to meet them. I know they exist in my family, and soon enough, my brothers will know. But they are young. I like giving guidance to the young. It is, as they say, my forte.

I hope something comes along that I can help with. Because that's my branch, the service of others, of connected love, threads in our universe.

Must. Resist. Drunk. Dial.

No one is entitled to my thoughts, and I must not act a like a petulant 3 year old when I cannot share them. Mine, and mine alone.

She will have a girl, because she was surprised.

And I feel like an asshole, willing to compromise my feelings to have a child. I am an asshole.

Is there no one to love? Is there no partner in crime?

I guess not...*sigh*

A Very Ridiculous Day.

So, I went into the dentist today. I was under the impression that it was just a casting of my teeth for the cap that they have to place on the tooth that had the Root Canal From Hell. Now, why on earth would I get that impression? I mean, both when I made the appointment as well as when they called to remind me, I was told it was just a casting.

But today was Monday, that magical day of such delight and wonder. So instead of 40 minutes, it was a an hour, and they placed a temporary cap on my tooth. It was 9:35 when I left the dentist...and I was already late for work. Of course, even with the snow, I'm only 5 minutes away, and will be there rather soon, you think?

Of course not. Why would it work out that way? It was, of course, Monday.

On my way to work, there was construction, complete with a guy holding a sign that had "slow" and "stop" on it (and as I approached, guess which side I got...), as well a truck parked across the two lane street, a slow-moving bus, then an ambulance, and an accident at the largest intersection.

A five minute drive took 20 fucking minutes.

Ah, Monday. And don't get me started on all of the douchebags that I got on my phone today....

Please let my prediction come true.

The vision is that my sister-in-law was surprised by the pregnancy, and has a girl. And after talking with her at length, she was very surprised that she's pregnant.

The other is the dream/vision with being with B. I'd like for that to come true, but it doesn't necessarily have to be. All I want is someone who is not afraid of dancing in a bar, even when no one else is. I had that, for a moment, with Guy Who I Chickened Out On Seeing. I'd hope to see him again, tell a little white lie, and get in his good graces again. Dinner, sushi bar, the one in Mequon. I'm not keen on Saki, but will try - I'm smoker, so alcohol deadens the taste buds even further, so I'll be inclined to skip it. A nonalcoholic evening. Sounds nice.

I am just tired of being alone in this universe.

The conversation that I was kicked for?

"Well, if the ghost appears again, just tell it to go away. People who are dead used to be human and living, you know, so really, just let them know that you're tired. If we're talking about older times, you could get away with visiting when it's rude. Victorians were big on that. 'You're being rude, and I'm sleeping' would be good...." It was a conversation on how to make the ghosties go away. And for that I suffered a punishment not fit for a wizard.

The magic person saw my drawings..."You are a wizard!" she said. Well, yes, I have a staff. And I kicked someone's butt. She knew what I was talking about. What she didn't know was the part about "Oh? So you think you have power? EAT THE IRAQI. Oh, yes, this bomb-charred flesh you eat. Why? Because you and your ilk think it's AWESOME. And because of that, you should eat dead Iraqi." They threw up, they choked, and suddenly, the war is the most unpopular thing here in this country.

I got counter hit with magic. If it had not happened to me, I would not believe it. But it did. The counter hit was very strong, and I actually managed to pull symbols from my attack. I know who did it, and backtracking, I know who I hit.

But in this, it confirms a few things that I've been wondering that I know.

I know there's some kind of Association of Wizards. I always see them, but they don't let me in. I don't know why. Am I unpolished? Female? What? I don't know. Is it my unconventional use of magic? NO IDEA. I do not know if I was trained by an actual Wizard, and turned out to be extrawizardy or if I was trained outside of our own planet. I'm more inclined to think way more Wizard than most, that it's terribly natural and I always fall back on it, but it could be damn near otherworldly.

I feel ghosts. They are always there, my guardians and protectors, the dead, demon or not. And anyone who is willing to marry me has to know this. That I have an otherworldly knowledge of things, and to listen to me when I say so. Because I know what I'm talking about.

There's two men who've listened to me in that state: Ron, and B.

I hope that there's more than them. Because there's a ghost inside me who wants to say I'm sorry, but it doesn't mean I'm sorry....

I was writing on here more often, but then I slacked off. Heh, funny how it is, staring at my shelf and thinking, "You know, I really want to rewatch all of B5 again."

I am now in the second season.

That means, less writing here. But, it has given me a few ideas for my book, kind of a renewed purpose for where I ultimately want my characters to end up, what I want them to go through, how I want them to interact. I had some idea before, but now I'm more clear on it. Hopefully, it'll spur me to write more than the 8 pages I have.

We'll see.

And hopefully, my sister-in-law will have a girl this time, if the pregnancy sticks.

I now have only half the wisdom I had...two upper wisdom teeth removed today!

WOO HOO!

Now, most people don't like teeth being pulled. And if there wasn't such a thing as Novocaine, I would not want my teeth pulled either. However, the two upper wisdom teeth had come in, and I needed them removed. And it was so much better than the last time that I had a tooth pulled. I love my dentist, he's so cool, and he listens when I start doing my distress gargle. Apparently, one side of my mouth needs more Novocaine than the other. The only creepy thing is that I heard one of my wisdom teeth being pulled. Heard that fucker sliding right out of its spot. *shudder*

I am now on painkillers, and it is awesome!

Today I was thinking of an exceptionally intelligent yet brutal post that I wrote about Mr. Trenchcoat. I don't think that I saved it here, but I did write it on myspace. I almost wish I had kept it, but I deleted it because I'm just so totally over what happened.

Except I'm not.

I'm afraid to date again. And I don't mean the typical, "Oh, what if he doesn't like me!" kind of afraid. I'm truly terrified - "What if he hits me?". Given what I said to B earlier, I want to say, "Yes, I may have drunkenly gone overboard, but I've had hell the past few years, so please forgive my wacky desperateness. Don't think that because I like you that much, I will actually date you, because the thought terrifies the fucking baby Heebus out of me." Every time I think of it, I tense up and feel frightened. What if I date a guy for a while and then he hits me? I didn't leave the last time, will I have enough courage to do so this time? Or, like before, will I pretend that it didn't happen even though I was in excruciating pain and should have gone to the hospital to see if there was permanent damage? I don't want that in the realm of possibility when I date someone, and you never know just by looking at a guy if he's going to do that. It was only that once, so I'm grateful for that, but it was no less scary. And now I get nervous just stating an opinion on anything. It doesn't require any extra thought for Mr. Trenchcoat, but for me, now I've got this permanent fear.

Oh, and the thing he kicked me for? A conversation I was having with someone else, having to do with ghosts, because I can occasionally feel them. I was "speaking with authority on something that doesn't exist" and he got mad at me. "I thought you were smarter than that." It didn't involve him, he just sat there doing some kind of calculations while drinking, and didn't join in the conversation with my friend. For that, when we got home from the bar and started arguing, I was kicked in the leg, hard enough to cause internal bleeding. I didn't see it coming, I was getting up to check on the pizza in the oven.

And then he would have the gall, after that, to get mad when I didn't speak up on anything. Or that he had to pry the thoughts out of my head, because fucking excuse me, it's not like I'd be encouraged after that to ever speak my mind again.

Thanks for that, fucker. My trust levels were high enough, now they're damn near impossible to get through.

Random Update: I did keep it!

Someone did a parody of "The Boy Is Mine" - I present to you, my imaginary readers, "The Slice is Mine".

Sometimes, the internet is an awesome thing.

Oh, alright, no wants me to drunk dial them, and I can't blame them.

I lied, B.

B, I know what I said before I blacked out, about if you get over her, please date me. And yes, it was a sales pitch. Because I like you that much. You have no idea, having to listen to shit, and still not be bitter about it. But I really can't be, because our relationship was never like that, though I wanted it to be. I'm totally serious, I really, really like you. I don't care how many crack whores you've had, or that you have family problems, or that people want to control you. If there's a good thing to be said about my family, we're working class, not snobs, and if you're doing something with your life, no one will hold it against you. The only requirement from you that my family will hold you to is that you treat me awesomely and make me laugh. Really. As long as you're good to me, you're good with my family, because we know what the fuck is important in life, and if you don't treat the Princess with the awesomeness she deserves, you aren't worth the time - and they won't hesitate to tell you that. Or me, if they feel that they can't be that straight forward with you. Seriously, do you not know how awesome life with me would be? Especially at this moment in my life, where I've shared the worst that could happen to a person - a baby born only to die - with my sister (-in-law, which is a technicality) and my brother. Life is what it is.

I have moments of psychoneuroses, but really, I'm much more on an even keel than I've ever been - you met me when I was dealing with hardship - and you didn't see me when I was dealing with the worst of my depression. That person you knew years ago really did have issues that since...well, not resolved, but better. I know when it will be bad, and I can warn people, and it's not horrible now, like it was before. As long as there are lines of communication open, I will be fine. Most of my troubles with Mr. Trenchcoat was that he sorely lacked in the communication department. But if we talk, I will always be okay. And if Doting Uncle doesn't like that, well, I have to deal with douchebags on a frequent basis, so that doesn't bother me. Remember The Artist? I can speak their language. They'll see me as smart-but-dumb. And I'm okay with that.

It's all in the perception, baby.

Marry me?

Pipe dreams...if they would only come true!

This is Awesome:



Updated: Ok, so I can't stop watching this. I have the compulsion to view it several times a day, I still laugh my ass off at it. Every. Single. Time. So I thought I'd put a poem that wrote long ago to go with it:

Ode to Love
Love - thy devil's name
Curse the hearts of wicked and tame
One mortal's soul hungers for the other
The other, repulsed, slinks away in horror
And Cupid's heart-wrenching lance
Causes Love to kill by chance.
And Satan, in attractiveness,
Fools mortals with "Eternal Bliss".
The deep, dank, dark pit of Love,
Swirling above it, vultures like doves,
Waiting for those words-turned-lies,
Scrape and pick out Aphrodite's eyes.
Beauty, skin deep and vain,
Showers them in flaming rain.
The heart is red, that's no mistake,
As blood forms at lovers' feet a lake.
The mortal, thinking all is good,
Will end up demon's worship food,
While angels play marionette with feelings,
And the soul itself trusts, revealing
Past hurts and hates that want revenge,
Cupid, a bloody smile, says "Avenge".
And Love sets up another trap
For some other pathetic helpless sap.

I have a friend who says that she isn't going to vote...one less thing to think about.

I know she's got problems, but to me, that's pretty much saying, "Fuck it. I don't care about the country I live in." I mean, if you want things to happen, and you believe either candidate can do what you think is best, then you should vote. Women didn't get beaten and thrown in jail so that you could shrug your shoulders and say, "It doesn't matter", because it does. It wouldn't matter to me which way she voted - McCain/Palin or Obama/Biden. It doesn't matter. You should vote. You live in this fucking country, goddammit, and you should exercise your rights. And if you're a random person who sees this post, VOTE DAMMIT. Like I say, it matters not who you vote for, you should vote. It doesn't matter whether you're depressed, are an idiot, or are the smartest motherfucker out there. Voting is a fundamental right for all of us. Eighteen or ninety, you should vote. Mansion or homeless, you should vote.

I'm not giving my rights up that easily. We could be going to hell in a handbasket. You can pry my right to vote from my cold, dead hands, motherfucker.

I guess I knitted a fucking magical hat, that everyone wanted to touch it, and it made people smile. An awesome fucking hat, I guess.

I've never had a hat do that for me.

So, apparently, I'm meeting a guy at a bar next week. The Viliage Pub. I think I will call him "Twist Boy" because he liked the Twist.

Life is okay. I still want to hold baby. BABY!

I'm watching Anne of Green Gables on PBS, and I really, really can't stand it. I want to light my TV on fire. Anne, you're a fucking moron. And a bitch.

Holding babies is the awesomest thing in the world. I especially like the part where I can give them back.

Well, things at the dentist went awesomely, and now my teeth look EVEN BETTER. I'm happy about it. In a couple of weeks, I get my upper wisdom teeth removed, thank god, and I will dance for joy! Now I'm wondering if I should even call B, seeing as how I'm prolly gonna be busy. It would be two weeks next week, and I've got stuff to do. Maybe I'll call on Friday, see if he wants to go out for an hour or two. Whatever.

I'm glad I'm getting a sewing machine on my birthday. I'll be able to sew! Well, after I learn how to use the damn thing. This will certainly be an adventure.

All in all, things looking up! Finally. September can suck my big minty dick.

Ah, all is right with the world.

I got to hold a baby for a long, long time.

I do not understand.

I was at the bar at 9:20, had five beers, then left after midnight.

I was still in control of myself, and could remember everything.

I still was in control of myself at 3 am, after two more "beers". WTF?

Why is it okay now, but not last Friday, or the Friday before that?

I know September is rough for me, but still, it shouldn't be like that.

I will begin the Church of Music on Sunday, out of songs on my iPod. I don't have Genius turned on, because that would require more trouble than it's worth. We'll see if it's the Religion of TMBG, but only because those are the songs that I most frequently listen to. Watch out, I might hurt you...see you on Sunday!

To the creator of this picture, I only have one question:

Why do you hate women?

I would call you, but I don't want to look like I have no friends and am in desperate need of companionship, even though that's the truth.

Appearances count and if I don't act like I desperately need friends, then maybe it will work out well.

It would be nice to have a drinking buddy, seeing as how none of my other friends drink, and I don't smoke weed but they do, but I've already proven myself a fool in that department.

Simple math. Three pints = four bottled beers. You would have thought that I would have grasped that concept much earlier, however, you would be wrong. And that's where my problems lies. If I have that fourth pint, it's over my limit, and then it gets bad. Sometimes I wonder how I manage to put on pants with this level of stupidity.

That, or that level of stupidity allows me to think of things like a leather bomber jacket emblazoned with a giant vagina on the back and the words "THE VAGENIUS" underneath it. Because if we're talking silly, I can outperform the best.

You still will not call, and I will be sad, but it's completely understandable and in fact, what I would expect. I would completely understand if you never spoke to me again. But see, I understand these things, and have no hostility toward you for it.

The only time I would be hostile is if you were like the douchebag that I encountered tonight that decided that our driveway was a parking spot. No one except me really knows how tempted I was to key that car. That reminds me, I really need to see if American Science and Surplus still carries douchebags.

Anyway, whatever. I should just fucking suck it up and be alone. It's hard to, and I wish I could live in a world where actions don't have consequences, but I can't pretend that for even a moment.

What I want to happen tomorrow:

*Phone Vibrates* It's B!

Me: Hello?

B: Hey, how are you?

*Chitchat*

B: So are you going out tonight?

Me: Oh, I was going to stay in and drink and play video games. You're free to join me or not. Don't care which.

B: You know, that actually sounds fun. I'll be over in a few.

What will actually happen:

The phone will never ring. Or, at least, it won't be him.

Either way, it's four cans of Strongbow (Damn Mr. Trenchcoat!) and Crash Team Racing, with TMBG in the background.

Because high school would have been so much cooler with cider.

I can't watch the debates.

I'm gonna wanna drink my ass into oblivion.

Woohoo...a whole 3 minutes.

You may not like what I have to say.

I don't care. No, it's not the decision you want. Unfortunately, there's really nothing I can do about that. Neither can the person above me. What you are asking for is, in fact, impossible. There is no real recourse of action. You can take it like a Real Man or a Real Woman, suck it up, and realize that you will not be getting commission for this case.

Or you can be a douchebag and argue on my phone, then hang up.

Fuckers.

I've started doing Tarot again, and I guess the cards are none too happy at me for not using them, because the reading seemed rather dismal. That, or it was confused as to what I was asking, which is possible. I have other cards that loved me, and were uncannily accurate. But it's the Dragon Tarot cards, and I'll get them to at least accept me.

They're more befitting of someone who's more Wizard than anything else. Dragon seems so much more me. And I'm long past the point where people say that magic stuff is hooey, because if you've ever actually been hit by magic, you'd fucking know it. I never, ever thought it was possible until it happened to me. I never really thought it was real or anything, until I got bitch slapped by it, and in all fairness, I deserved it. Don't fight battles that aren't yours.

It's more reluctance on my part to say anything about it, because it does sound silly. But so does belief in God. Or belief in UFOs. And I'm not always right about things, but I'm willing to admit that and analyze it. Plus, the last time I ever said anything about it, I got kicked in the leg hard enough to cause internal bleeding, from my knee to my ankle, by someone I trusted not to hurt me like that. So you know, there's that. But I've run into a preponderance of bizarre coincidences lately, and I'm thinking that the universe is trying to say something to me. (Though of late, I was thinking that the message is "Fuck You!", though it's like, things that are almost as I want them, but not quite.)

I'm a different person than I was even just a year ago...if a Trisomy 18 baby has enough will to be born and live for 9 days, I have enough hope for living the next 60 years. And you know what universe? Right back at ya, babe!

Can't drink to save my life anymore, and it confuses me. I was fine when Mr. Trenchcoat came to see me, I was fine the time after that, but a few weeks ago, mid-September, is when it crashed. Suddenly, my body can't handle alcohol anymore. I don't know what it is. So I guess I'll just stop until my birthday. I'll go out on my birthday, drink a few, and then go home.

It's scared the living shit out of me that I just suddenly don't remember past a point in the evening. And that I get in my car and drive? Fuck that. Ain't drinking no more if it's going to be like that. Wish my tolerance didn't take a nosedive. It's really disturbing that that happens, but I know I've got to quit lest I do the horrible thing I did years ago. That's one "Keep Left" sign that will never threaten anyone again.

I'm actually surprised that I somehow found my car. Normally, I wouldn't and would just call a cab. That's why this is disturbing. I hope that I didn't scare my friend B or anything. Really, I hope not. That would suck.

The thing is, I just don't remember. We were talking about Dexter and Alcoholic Neuropathy, and I don't remember anything after that. I just have an image or two, but nothing...after...that. I have no idea what time I left, if he came with me, how I even drove. It's nuts. Fuck all, it sucks. I used to be able to drink more than that!

The only thing that changed between Mr. Trenchcoat and the middle of September was that my teeth were mostly fixed. I'm wondering if that had anything to do with it, like the infection gave me a higher tolerance. I mean, it was a MAJOR infection. So now I'm wondering what the fuck is going on that my alcohol tolerance plummeted.

Doesn't matter, though, as I'm through with drinking for the most part. If I had kept it together this weekend, I would go out next Friday, but I can't now because it's just not working. It really sucks.

Is there a 24 hour football channel?

Because I hear the WOOTS and WHOOHOOS going on in my neighborhood. I'm just curious. They were hollering last night, and now they're hollering at 2 pm.

What did I get myself into?

Here I go again, as hopeless as always. Random one on the internets. I want to see you again, want to have coffee and hang out. It would be nice. But I still have, shall we say, feelings for you. I need to keep that out of my voice, off of my face, out of my mind. Who knows what changes you've gone through? Best just to have a cup of coffee, long gone are days of...well, those days. I never wanted them to be over, and I curse the day that I ever said what I did, but in a way, I just had to know. And then I found out, knowing damn well that it may cost a friendship, and for a while, it felt like that. I can't make you ever like me or make you feel the same way about as I do about you, and I know this. I know this. But it doesn't stop me from hoping, or feeling the way I do. For once, I want that returned, from you, but I know it will never happen. We'll have coffee, and chat, and then say goodbye, and then you won't talk to me for a few years, and who knows by then...maybe you'll be married or I'll be married, and life will have moved on, with the part of my heart locked away from you that holds you in it. And I'll have to live with that, as much as it hurts. I want to call you back right now and talk because I really miss you, and dammit, you know miss me too, because you always say that, Friend. That won't stop me from wanting to kiss you, to hold you, to have sex with you, or any other thing that my imagination comes up with. You've always been a bit skittish around me, King of Mixed Messages, and I never know how to take that. Do you have feelings for me too, or are you just embarrassed that someone likes you that much? But see you I must, because I really need to see for myself how utterly hopeless it is, to have irrefutable proof that it is hopeless, so that my heart is convinced and I think no more of it. Perhaps you won't be skittish and we'll sit and chat like normal adults, and it will be very civil, except for the trashy confines of my lurid imagination, which I can live with. Always have, always will.

Fuck it, I'm gonna call you anyway.

Wow, it's been a year since I wrote here.

Crazy.

And if I call you B, will you answer? If you don't, I'm almost more okay with that. Then I can leave a guarded message, one which hopefully does not reveal how happy I was that you called. If I have to talk to you, my feelings may accidentally show through. I don't want that, you don't want that, the universe would fucking think it's hilarious and laugh at me, because it's been playing tricks on me for the past month...year...life.

Here goes nothing.

Color Pencils Reviewed. This is done in the fashion of a tech gadget review, to hilarious effect.

****************************************

Holy freakin' awesome. A damn map of the Star Trek Universe.

****************************************

And that's all for tonight. I'm gonna go snuggle up in bed and enjoy the heat in my apartment, seeing as how they actually fixed it this time!

More OkCupid Fun.

I'd think that I'll post questions/answers here, where no one will see them!

5 hours in a car with a friend...
Yay, a road trip! How about 10 hours?
Could be enjoyable.
If where we're going is worth it, okay.
No way, that's too long to spend in a car.

However, it depends on the friend.

Do you feel as though the craziest, most experimental stage of your life is in the past, or has yet to come?
It's in the past.
It's yet to come
I'm living it now.
I haven't and don't plan on having such a stage.

Uh, I don't know. Maybe? I haven't lived most of my life yet, so how the hell am I supposed to know?

Imagine that your partner enjoys smelling various parts of your body, especially after you had a long day or just exercised. Would you want them to do so?
Yes.
No.
Only after I have taken steps to be clean.

What the fuck? How the hell am I supposed to answer that? Like would they make it mandatory for me to stand there and be sniffed?

Genital piercings...
Make me hot
Ouch, no thanks.
No opinion / Not sure

On who? Me? The other person? Because if it's me, not on your fucking life. But do whatever floats your boat.

Could you date someone related to someone responsible for heinous acts? For example, if he or she was the sibling of a convicted serial killer or descendent of a Nazi war criminal?
Yes
No
I'm Not Sure

Only if they don't truly agree with the act. If they're like, "Oh, Uncle Oskar used to gas Jews. Isn't that funny?", I'd not only run away, I'd run away screaming.

How do you feel about foreskins?
I hate them
I like them
I'm indifferent

Oh, they're great! Nothing like throwing a few on and drinking some cider on a cold winter's day!

If you could do any of the following before meeting someone new (without them knowing), which would you do?
Run a full background check on them.
Obtain copies of all of their mail and email.
Obtain medical records including recent STD exam.
I wouldn’t do any of the above.

Oh, let's see...one is an invasion of privacy, two as far as the mail goes is illegal, three is VERY illegal...so that leaves four, as it should be.

"I don't lie, I just don't say all that I could!" Is this the same as lying?
Yes, absolutely,
No, but it's close.
No, not at all.
I'm not sure.

Just what the hell is the question really asking? This really depends on what the subject is talking about. How the fuck can I even begin to answer this without more information?

Fun on OkCupid.

Oh, well...apparently I pissed someone off enough that they couldn't handle my "eleventy-billion" (real number: 62) blog posts about questions on OkCupid. So I'll post the better ones here! Take that, Douchebag! (He really did look kinda douchey...I'm betting that he thinks women generally talk too much - studies have proven that we really don't.)


Imagine you have an identical twin. You've had many sexual experiences, but they remain a lonely and frustrated virgin. Would you secretly swap places to give them 'a piece of the action'?

* Yes.
* No.

See, here is where I wish there was a "Possibly" or "Not Sure" option. I think that if my twin wasn't hitting it off with the men/women, I'd first give them advice if that's what they wanted. But if my twin was a complete entitled asshole, I'd be less inclined to help until they got over themselves. Because sometimes a lonely and frustrated virgin should remain that way until they grow up a little - "not being ready" or "not wanting to" is different than sending the creepy and desperate vibes.

Would you ever be willing to skip out on responsibilities (such as work, school, or such) to stay at home and have sex with someone?

* Yes. Sex always comes first.
* Yes. Occasionally.
* No. Never.

Sometimes you need a mental health day. And sometimes good mental health involves sex. But it also depends...I only get four sick days a year now, so calling in sick now wouldn't be an option. I'd consider it at the end of the year if I had days left. Otherwise, that's what vacation days are for.

Which of the following is the most admirable endeavor?

* Working to feed the homeless.
* Working to preserve an endangered species.
* Serving one's country in the military.
* Devoting oneself to religious/spiritual pursuits.

Actually, my answer is E - all of the above. I think that all of these activities are admirable equally - no one selection is more admirable than the other. People are different, with different choices in life and different paths and interests. Which is great, because I believe all of these things are important.

Do you like to gag girls?

* Yes
* No
* I'm Not Sure

Against will or with consent? Because that really, really makes a difference. If it's against their will - well, are you on here looking for your next victim? If so, I'll pass. If it's with consent, then it's no big deal. Not my cup of tea personally, but I don't care if that's what other people are into.

Do you feel like a 'complete' person when you are not in a relationship?

* Yes
* No
* I'm Not Sure
* I never feel entirely complete

I never feel entirely complete
I'm a work in progress. I've also been referred to as "a piece of work", but really, I've still got a while to go on the Journey of Life.

Love without pain is like food without flavor.

* True
* False

WTF? I think I'm going to visit the Emo Wall and cry.

Should the recipient give back an engagement ring if the engagement is broken off?

* Yes.
* No.
* Only if the recipient initiates the break up.

From the perspective of actually having been engaged, I would say this really depends on the preceding relationship and the breakup. I still have the ring - and if you find that creepy...well, it's okay, sometimes I find it creepy too. (I don't know if I can actually wear it again, for what it represents. It's really a nice piece of jewelery that I'm hesitant to give up, but what good is it if I can't bring myself to wear it again? So far, it's just a really nice and fairly expensive dust collector.) I have, however, offered numerous times to give it back ("Are you sure you don't want it back? You do have school loans...") and he wouldn't take it back. If he had said "Yes" I would have given it back. I did help him pay it off, though, because I wouldn't accept that he had to pay it off even though I broke off the engagement. But it wasn't a hostile break up or anything. Under less reasonable circumstances, it's really hard to say. It is a gift, and the gift-giver doesn't have the right to demand a gift back, no matter how expensive it is. I certainly think that the gift-giver should be offered the option to take it back, but that's my personal preference. The person who bought it may be out of a lot of money, however, that's the risk they take by buying it - it may not work out, and they just have to accept that. My own feeling on engagement rings? BAH. Do I really need a shiny bauble to mark me as a man's property, though we have no formal legal connection yet? No, but if he does want to give me one, I'll accept (or reject) it graciously. I will say, though, if a guy gave me something else (say, a Wii) as a way to propose, that might be nice.

How much communication is ideal during sex?

* A lot! It's all about the talk.
* Just enough to get things right.
* None. Shut up so I can concentrate.

Just enough to get things right.
I also don't like to talk with my mouth full. :)

Would you let your children under 13 watch movies with full nudity?

* Yes
* No

Depends on the movie. "Lesbian Biker Sluts Sucking Cock" would be an entirely inappropriate movie for anyone under 18. "Schindler's List", however, is a different kind of movie that I may let someone under 13 see. (And if you thought people being gassed naked is sexy or erotic, I DO NOT want to know you.)

Do you think parents who smoke in cars with very young children should be punished?

* Yes.
* No.

I don't think it's a good idea, and I certainly wouldn't smoke with children in the car, but "punished"? Should we punish parents for letting their children eat McDonald's at all? If someone wants to be a bad parent, I don't think that you're really going to stop them.

Imagine you are in a serious long-term relationship and have decided it is best to break it off. Just before you can tell your partner, he or she gives you the following news: "I have been diagnosed with cancer and probably only have one year to live."

* I'd still break it off as planned.
* I'd stay with my partner and never mention it.
* I'd reconsider, but eventually discuss it.

I'd still break it off as planned.
But that doesn't mean that I wouldn't still care, if they needed me for support.

How do you feel about putting children on leashes?

* I do not approve of this.
* I approve of this.
* I might approve under special circumtances.
* I could not care less.

I approve of this.
It's important for children to interact with the world around them, and tying them down into the stroller just doesn't seem right. A leash allows the child to still explore, but also mitigates some of the risk if the child is a wanderer or runner. Some children behave nicely, others do not, and even well-behaved children have their moments. It strikes a nice balance between giving children some independence to explore without tying them down to a stroller or yelling at them every five seconds. I do believe it has it's place though; leashes should be used as the situation warrants. The playground? No. The fairgrounds? Yes.

Would you consider dating someone who is in the process of getting divorced?

* Yes.
* No.

Possibly. If the ex-spouse is psychotic (and by that I mean according to DSMV or otherwise generally has the potential to seriously harm themselves or others), then no, because it's most likely going to get ugly, if it hasn't already. If it's a relationship that's otherwise worth pursuing, then it's worth waiting the extra time.

Would you consider using drugs prescribed by a psychiatrist to improve your personality?

* Yes.
* No.

Uh, just what is meant by "improve your personality"? Are we talking about "improving" to a Stepford Wife kind of personality? Or are we talking about "you have clinical depression, and anti-depressants will help" improvement of personality?

Suppose one day, your spouse comes home and announces that the two of you will be forever taken care of financially, but only so long as the details remain secret to you, else you will both face financial ruin. How much would this bother you?

* A lot, I could not live like that.
* A little, but my money and I would get over it.
* Not at all. Show me the money.

Does it involve drugs, sex trafficking, child prostitution, killing/maiming people, total destruction of the environment, forcing people into abject poverty or war? Because if the answer to that is no, I can live with it. I'd be willing to accept financial ruin if it prevents any of the above from happening, but since it is one question of which I will not know the exact answer to, I think that still qualifies it as secret. However, I reserve the right to divorce such a person if they're engaging in any of the above things.

Which of the following would you most expect to determine from a first date?

* Sexual compatibility.
* Emotional compatibility.
* Spiritual compatibility.
* Financial compatibility.

Emotional compatibility.
Actually, the only thing I'd try to determine from a first date is if there's potential for a second one.

In a certain light, wouldn't nuclear war be exciting?

* Yes, it would
* No

WHAT?
I'm sorry, but after seeing pictures of the victims at Nagasaki, NO. WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU ASK THIS? Who the hell goes, "Wow, most of your flesh has burned off, isn't this GREAT?" or "WOOHOO! I'm REALLY enjoying this nuclear winter!" or "Watch this - all of my hair is falling out! Isn't that COOL?"
You know, I had friend who thought that nuclear war would be exciting. He imagined himself as the leader of a group of survivors and who would have young nubile women throwing themselves at him. This is, of course, from the same guy who could barely remember what he did yesterday and practically made his girlfriend support him. I actually think he'd end up as one of the cannibal thugs from Lucifer's Hammer.
Is your life so exciting that the only thing to top it would be nuclear war?

Are geeks sexy?

* Yes
* No

Where's the "HELL YES" option?

Would you consider to have a serious relationship with someone that has tried to commit suicide?

* Yes
* No

Depends. If they have tried working through their feelings and emotions for a period of time and are doing much better now, I would consider it. If the attempt was just last week, and they're still feeling suicidal, then I'd have to say no. I'd still hope that they get better though.

Some people just don't deserve to be in a relationship -- agree or disagree?

* Agree
* Disagree

I don't know about this one, and it's about the word deserve. No one deserves to be in a relationship at all. Are there people who should not be in relationships? Yes, definitely.

Who has the more honorable profession: a teacher who cultivates young minds or a soldier who defends your country?

* Teacher
* Soldier

I hate questions like these, as I see both of these professions as equally honorable. Both are underpaid and undervalued, and it's damn shame.

Are you turned off when your lover farts, complains about bowel movements, or exhibits any other human characteristics as such?

* Yes
* No

I'm not so much turned off, as I just don't care. But I don't like when people make a big to-do about it. That kind of annoys me. You farted, so what? You want a medal? If you clog the toilet, use the plunger. What would be a big turn off would be saying, "Hey, I'm gonna go pinch a log..." Is that really necessary? Most people just use the bathroom, and be done with it. Or "Whew, it stinks in here!" while coming out of the bathroom. Why, yes, shit does in fact stink...I'm so glad that your nasal passages are now working so that you can now realize that. Of course, I don't actually say stuff like that to people if they do say things like that. But I'm thinking it.

Would you like to go on a five night spiritual retreat?

* Yes.
* No.

No.
Catholic high school cured me of that.

Do you have a problem with people who wear fur clothing?

* Yes.
* No.

Real fur or fake fur? Whole outfit or just an article of clothing, like a jacket? I mean, if someone was wearing a real fur suit complete with hands sticking out of the mink's mouth or something, a real fur shirt, and a real fur jacket with a real fur hat, that might disturb me. I'd have to wonder why someone would try to wear as many dead animals on their person as they could. But if we're talking about a fake fur jacket, that's no big deal to me. Hell, I wear a fake fur jacket.

Imagine you are at a social event and your partner says something you disagree with strongly. Which of the following would you most likely do?

* I'd support them even though I disagree.
* I'd just keep quiet.
* I'd politely disagree.
* I'd argue my point aggressively.

I'd politely disagree.
Arguing vociferously is what the car and home are for.

Would you rather be the performer or in the audience/behind the scenes?

* Performer
* Audience
* Behind the Scenes

Performer
Honestly, depends on the role. I used to think that life was a stage, but now I'm more inclined to think it's performance art.

Facial hair on guys ...

* Great!
* it's okay
* I'm Not Sure
* Yuck!

I'm not terribly fond of the "Old Man of the Hills" kinda beard.

Have you ever spent more than 8 hours straight playing video games?

* Yes
* NO.
* Anyone who does is a loser.

Yes
I really like how the choices are the neutral "Yes", the completely capitalized "NO." (with a period, even!), and "Anyone who does is a loser". Hmm, was that a testy subject for somebody? Because I really don't care if anyone thinks I'm a loser for it. Just because I spent four days mostly playing Spyro the Dragon on Playstation 1, doesn't mean I do that ALL THE TIME.

If you got married, would you change your name?

* Yes
* No

This is going to sound absolutely terrible, but only if it was a cool last name and worked well with my first name. Otherwise, no. I would consider combining last names and seeing what we come up with, but it would still have to meet the above criteria. Or we could just come up with a last name that suits us both and change it.

Do you use "Jesus Christ" or "God damn it" when you curse?

* Yes
* Yes, but I regret it.
* No.
* I do not curse at all.

Must...resist...ARGH!
JESUS, what a stupid question!
And, of course, the answer is "Yes".

What volume level do you usually prefer when listening to music?

* Loud or louder.
* Somewhere in the middle.
* Soft and in the background.
* I prefer to not listen to music.

This depends on the song being played.

Imagine you're having the perfect conversation with your ideal partner. What are you doing?

* Telling stories
* Debating
* Agreeing
* Making plans

Making plans
...to take over the world!

Should you _have_ to know about your partner's previous sexual exploits?

* Yes, because it reflects on them as a person.
* No, the past is the past.

C. Not Sure
I don't have to know. But if it's something interesting that I've never done and will never do, it's actually kind of interesting to hear about it, depending on what it is.

You are in an art museum when a blind man deliberately starts a fire. He becomes separated from his guide dog and they are both wandering among the flames lost and confused. You face this decision; save the dog, save the arsonist or save an artwork.

* I'd save the arsonist.
* I'd save an artwork.
* I'd save the dog.
* To hell with that, I'd just save myself.

To hell with that, I'd just save myself.
Having been in fires (not major ones), my instant reaction is to run. I hear the alarms, and I'm gone.

Do you believe that a major goal of educational systems should be to make people "better members of society"?

* Yes.
* No.

Yes.
With the caveat that by "better members of society" means that we have children educated to the best of their ability to adulthood, that they can think learn to think critically and for themselves.
If "better members of society" means sheep fodder to be exploited by corporations, then absolutely not. I felt that way in school, that we were just being trained as monkeys to be better capitalists but with no sense of liberty or rights.

If medical science completely eliminated all sexually transmitted disease, how would this affect who you would have sex with?

* I would have sex with MANY more people.
* I would have sex with more people.
* It would not affect who I have sex with.
* I would have sex with fewer people.

I would have sex with MANY more people.
Provided that they wanted to have sex with me, of course.

If your date told you they were in the pornogaphy business, in a non-sexual way (examples; camera operator, lighting, directing) would it bother you?

* Yes, a lot!
* Yes, a little.
* No, non-sexual's fine.
* No, I'd encourage them to join the cast!

No.
And are there a ton of people on here who work in porn? Because why are there all these questions about people who work in porn?

Imagine that a friend asks you to read a short story they wrote. Unfortunately, you find it to be very boring. Which is closest to how you might respond when they ask you what you think of it?

* I'd pretend I like it.
* I'd offer constructive suggestions.
* I'd be very clear and honest.
* I'd tell them I haven't had time to read it yet.

As long as it's a draft and not published, it's still a work in progress, where you can edit and expand. I write, and it's never really finished until you decide it is...or you pick it up again after a year and rewrite it.

What would you think of a romantic prospect who uses childish language when being affectionate?

* I'd like it.
* I wouldn't like it.
* It would depend upon the situation.

Why isn't "I would kill them" a choice?

You're in a packed jet airliner on a flight home, when one of the flight attendants announces that both pilots are dead and requests that any other pilots identify themselves. None do. Who should land the jet?

* One of the flight attendants.
* A passenger chosen randomly.
* I should. I'm our best hope.
* I should. I am a pilot.

Uh, someone who knows how to land a plane?

How often should your significant other buy you gifts, jewelry, or other things more expensive than, say, dinner, cards, or flowers?

* Very frequently.
* From time to time.
* On special occasions (birthdays, Christmas, etc.).
* Never.

On special occasions (birthdays, Christmas, etc.)
And only if it's something I really want. Otherwise, I tend to ask for gifts along the lines of "Would you do my dishes?" and "I'd like a back rub for my birthday."


I wonder which one made Douchey feel that way. Was it the fact that there were so many of my opinions laying around, available for all of OkCupid to see? You know, it's not as if he had to read ANY of them. But I suppose he's got a point...no one likes a woman with opinions. At least, not the douchebags.