Tiki Tuesday
Wow. Gotta lay off the Tiki...I just might be so charming as to pick someone up. If I'm not at The Palace of Rock, then I go to the Hipster Lounge. It's not a bad bar to go to. And they have Tiki Tuesdays where the main feature is fruity drinks laden with tons of alcohol. So I had one. And then a friend paid for lots more beer. I started flirting with a guy that I had thought was about my age but really is ten years older than I am. I knew this guy from the coffee shop. He came in with a good friend of mine. All in all, I had lots of fun. I gotta lay off the Tiki drinks, though. That's way too much fun to be having on a Tuesday night.
Wednesday, May 29, 2002
Monday, May 27, 2002
Sunday, May 26, 2002
Are you a ho? Find out @ She's Crafty
Well, I'm glad to know!
I guess I'll just have to buy Velvet Jones's "How To Be A Ho"....(Eddie Murphy on SNL, for the uneducated....)
What's Your Sexual MO? Find out @ She's Crafty
You're a sensualist, stimulated when all your senses are tingling. A soft stroke or a certain scent might be all you need to get geared up. You're artistic, impulsive and fun-loving, and require that same kind of play and spontaneity in your sex-life. You don't embark on any sexual escapades just to be able to say you did it. It needs to feel right to you for you to truely enjoy it. Your partners tend to be generous and sensitive in the sack.
Duh! Didn't need a test to find that out.
Don't Mess With the Mouse
Saturday night, my friend leaves me at the bar, I'm alone and feeling lonely (Charlie Walker's "Facing the Wall" kind of lonely-and-resigned to it). So I pack up my things and head to The Palace of Rock. There were massive amounts of hipsters there. But the best was the band...they were awesome. And because I never want to go home, I helped clean up the bar and kicked everyone out. I love to do that. I don't attempt to do that any other night except Saturday (unless there's a punk show because it's fun to kick them out, and they generally play on Fridays). I'm a very quiet person and for the most part, I keep to myself. When I'm in the mood to be loud, though, watch out. I have a booming yelling voice. I like to do that, it's fun for me, and I was in a mood to be loud and mean. I was hoping John would appear so that I could alternate between ignoring him and being rude when I wasn't ignoring him. Instead, I got to be The Big Bad Mouse and that's just cool. Sometimes ya just gotta let it out....
Saturday night, my friend leaves me at the bar, I'm alone and feeling lonely (Charlie Walker's "Facing the Wall" kind of lonely-and-resigned to it). So I pack up my things and head to The Palace of Rock. There were massive amounts of hipsters there. But the best was the band...they were awesome. And because I never want to go home, I helped clean up the bar and kicked everyone out. I love to do that. I don't attempt to do that any other night except Saturday (unless there's a punk show because it's fun to kick them out, and they generally play on Fridays). I'm a very quiet person and for the most part, I keep to myself. When I'm in the mood to be loud, though, watch out. I have a booming yelling voice. I like to do that, it's fun for me, and I was in a mood to be loud and mean. I was hoping John would appear so that I could alternate between ignoring him and being rude when I wasn't ignoring him. Instead, I got to be The Big Bad Mouse and that's just cool. Sometimes ya just gotta let it out....
Saturday, May 25, 2002
I can't stop being a fool, but I find that I'm trying really hard at stopping. It's not so bad once you get used to it. Yesterday's lesson: ignore John if I saw him. Luckily, I only saw him for a few minutes here and there. Slowly but surely, I won't be friends with anyone there anymore. I'm trying to keep to myself most days. I'll have it down to one day a week. Hehehehe. I'm a Devious Female. Hehehehehe. Hear my cackle. Hehehehehe.
Wednesday, May 22, 2002
Just a Nugget
Oh, well. I've given up on the boys for now. I'm just in the mood to sit and read, even if it is at the bar. No more boys for me. Instead of blazing a trail, I've blazed a path, and I'm done with it. Unfortunately, I'm beginning to like The Artist more than I should. Part of the reason why I hate being the confidante of so many other people is because if my feelings change, I'm trapped by outside forces that are less mature than me. The issue isn't really whether or not people like me, the issue is jealousy and the ability of the person to spread rumors. There are rumors going around about me...some are true, some are false, and it's all cool. (I always keep an ear for what others are saying about me. Most of it is harmless or I just don't care.) But I don't want revealing personal truths spread out over the coffee shop. Who I sleep with--yes, my business, no one else's, but I don't care if anyone knows. It does not bother me. What bothers me is that I told someone something in complete confidence and it was told to someone else I didn't even know. Luckily, the information wasn't all that embarassing, so I wasn't too mad. Oh, well.
Oh, well. I've given up on the boys for now. I'm just in the mood to sit and read, even if it is at the bar. No more boys for me. Instead of blazing a trail, I've blazed a path, and I'm done with it. Unfortunately, I'm beginning to like The Artist more than I should. Part of the reason why I hate being the confidante of so many other people is because if my feelings change, I'm trapped by outside forces that are less mature than me. The issue isn't really whether or not people like me, the issue is jealousy and the ability of the person to spread rumors. There are rumors going around about me...some are true, some are false, and it's all cool. (I always keep an ear for what others are saying about me. Most of it is harmless or I just don't care.) But I don't want revealing personal truths spread out over the coffee shop. Who I sleep with--yes, my business, no one else's, but I don't care if anyone knows. It does not bother me. What bothers me is that I told someone something in complete confidence and it was told to someone else I didn't even know. Luckily, the information wasn't all that embarassing, so I wasn't too mad. Oh, well.
Monday, May 20, 2002
Emotional Theory
We all are susceptible to emotions, as emotions are part of what makes up humans. Think of it as part of our cognitive thinking. I had a discussion with a friend the other day and he’s been going through some bad times, mostly related to someone who had been in his life. He’s been having emotions that lead to very negative and unhealthy thinking and perceptions, the thoughts that cycle around and take on a life of its own. Maybe this will help someone out there….
First: The underlying premise, before any other discussions about feelings can be had, is that perceptions and our reactions (emotions) to them are completely irrational. Emotion is completely irrational. There is no logic to feelings. Given a person’s prior experiences, there may be a logical progression to someone’s feelings and thoughts, but there is no real logic. Our intellect is rational and logic; our physical makeup is rational as well. But the large portion of who we are is emotion; emotion colors every hour, every second of our lives. The sun is shining outside is a rational statement. The sun is shining outside so today’s going to be a good day is a completely irrational statement. Arbitrarily, this person has decided that because the sun is shining, the day will be good. There is no actual indicator that it actually will be a good day. Emotions are irrational and are connected to certain perceptions. Keep in mind that what one perceives could be something entirely different than what you perceive. Therefore, your reaction to it will be different. And that’s completely okay…you don’t need change your emotions to suit someone else. Just realize that everyone has their own reality construct and it may be radically different than yours. Why? Because we are human; we are completely emotional creatures (it makes up the larger portion of humanness); emotions are completely irrational (not a bad thing to be).
Second: You are not alone. Maybe the people you’re talking to have never had these experiences or emotions. Maybe they have had these experiences or emotions and they’re not talking about them. Maybe they’ve put no thought to these experiences or emotions – in effect not realizing that they’re feeling the same as you, even though they’ve been there, done that. Statistically speaking, you cannot be the only person in the world with these emotions. There is at least one other person who has gone through what you have and felt the way you have. You haven’t met every single person in the world yet. You just haven’t run into the people who’ve been there, done that.
Third: You cannot change the fact that you will think and feel, that you will have experiences that will continually tap into your emotions as you react to these experiences. What you can change, however, is your perceptions. To do this, you must first identify exactly what situations, events, or objects trigger the emotional reaction. How do you start thinking about negative things? How much of it do you have to think about before the emotional reaction becomes a cycle? What are the underlying assumptions about these experiences/emotions/reactions? For example, if you’ve dated several men, and these men have hurt you emotionally, then you might form the perception that all men are jerks. This thinking will permeate every reaction you will have when you meet a man, even if he’s done nothing to prove to you that he is a jerk. But is it true that all men are jerks? Absolutely not. You haven’t met all of the men in the world. Are there some that are? Yes, there are, and you just have happened to date a few. If you meet several men who aren’t, then you’ve just disproved your own perception. When you feel the negative feelings about men surface, it takes a conscious decision to stop, think about the statement that not all men are jerks, just some men, and then think about those who are not. This is the part that takes a lot of awareness of thinking and emotion. It also takes a lot of practice to stop yourself and follow a different train of thought. It does pay off, though; after awhile, when you find yourself thinking about the one premise, you will have trained yourself to think in a different way, thereby connecting the two concepts until they are practically instantaneous. Replace the negative perception/assumption with something that is positive or different than the negative one.
Maybe this won’t work for you. Maybe it will. Or maybe you’ve just never thought about it. I’ve had to do this on several occasions and I personally think it does work, at least for me. If you’re having problems with emotions and negativity, and nothing seems to work, give this a try. Have some friends help you with this if needed. Hey, anything’s worth a try at least once. Oh, and one disclaimer: you have to want to do this. It takes a lot of hard work.
We all are susceptible to emotions, as emotions are part of what makes up humans. Think of it as part of our cognitive thinking. I had a discussion with a friend the other day and he’s been going through some bad times, mostly related to someone who had been in his life. He’s been having emotions that lead to very negative and unhealthy thinking and perceptions, the thoughts that cycle around and take on a life of its own. Maybe this will help someone out there….
First: The underlying premise, before any other discussions about feelings can be had, is that perceptions and our reactions (emotions) to them are completely irrational. Emotion is completely irrational. There is no logic to feelings. Given a person’s prior experiences, there may be a logical progression to someone’s feelings and thoughts, but there is no real logic. Our intellect is rational and logic; our physical makeup is rational as well. But the large portion of who we are is emotion; emotion colors every hour, every second of our lives. The sun is shining outside is a rational statement. The sun is shining outside so today’s going to be a good day is a completely irrational statement. Arbitrarily, this person has decided that because the sun is shining, the day will be good. There is no actual indicator that it actually will be a good day. Emotions are irrational and are connected to certain perceptions. Keep in mind that what one perceives could be something entirely different than what you perceive. Therefore, your reaction to it will be different. And that’s completely okay…you don’t need change your emotions to suit someone else. Just realize that everyone has their own reality construct and it may be radically different than yours. Why? Because we are human; we are completely emotional creatures (it makes up the larger portion of humanness); emotions are completely irrational (not a bad thing to be).
Second: You are not alone. Maybe the people you’re talking to have never had these experiences or emotions. Maybe they have had these experiences or emotions and they’re not talking about them. Maybe they’ve put no thought to these experiences or emotions – in effect not realizing that they’re feeling the same as you, even though they’ve been there, done that. Statistically speaking, you cannot be the only person in the world with these emotions. There is at least one other person who has gone through what you have and felt the way you have. You haven’t met every single person in the world yet. You just haven’t run into the people who’ve been there, done that.
Third: You cannot change the fact that you will think and feel, that you will have experiences that will continually tap into your emotions as you react to these experiences. What you can change, however, is your perceptions. To do this, you must first identify exactly what situations, events, or objects trigger the emotional reaction. How do you start thinking about negative things? How much of it do you have to think about before the emotional reaction becomes a cycle? What are the underlying assumptions about these experiences/emotions/reactions? For example, if you’ve dated several men, and these men have hurt you emotionally, then you might form the perception that all men are jerks. This thinking will permeate every reaction you will have when you meet a man, even if he’s done nothing to prove to you that he is a jerk. But is it true that all men are jerks? Absolutely not. You haven’t met all of the men in the world. Are there some that are? Yes, there are, and you just have happened to date a few. If you meet several men who aren’t, then you’ve just disproved your own perception. When you feel the negative feelings about men surface, it takes a conscious decision to stop, think about the statement that not all men are jerks, just some men, and then think about those who are not. This is the part that takes a lot of awareness of thinking and emotion. It also takes a lot of practice to stop yourself and follow a different train of thought. It does pay off, though; after awhile, when you find yourself thinking about the one premise, you will have trained yourself to think in a different way, thereby connecting the two concepts until they are practically instantaneous. Replace the negative perception/assumption with something that is positive or different than the negative one.
Maybe this won’t work for you. Maybe it will. Or maybe you’ve just never thought about it. I’ve had to do this on several occasions and I personally think it does work, at least for me. If you’re having problems with emotions and negativity, and nothing seems to work, give this a try. Have some friends help you with this if needed. Hey, anything’s worth a try at least once. Oh, and one disclaimer: you have to want to do this. It takes a lot of hard work.
Wednesday, May 15, 2002
Why Boys Are Bad
Boy #1: He's younger than me. I really liked him but apparently no one told him he should take showers. He is also a very hyper melodramatic sort. We were boyfriend/girlfriend for a week once. I just consider him my younger brother. Never date a younger brother.
Boy #2: He's older than boy #1 but younger than me. I like him. I mentioned him a couple posts ago. There's just something about him that I like. I remember well who the hell he is now...he was a drug dealer. Never date drug dealers. (I'm glad he's going back to where he's from.)
Boy #3: We're the same age. He's really nice. Too nice. He was the first for everything. I love him...like a brother. Never date a guy who's like your twin.
Boy #4: He's a year older than me. He is the biggest dork, the rudest dickhead, and a pothead. He's funny, knows when I'm in a bad mood despite my lies that I'm fine, and he is cute. He's also the same sign as me. Never date a Scorpio male, especially if they're born in October. (My apologies to my comrades, I'm sure I'll meet a Scorpio male that isn't stupid.)
Boy #5: He's about ten years older than I am. He is really funny and can be charming. Sometimes he cares about an issue too much. (Don't we all?) I like him. He's cool. I also mentioned him in the last post. The Writer. He's been married twice before. Never date a guy that has hang-ups on power (so admitted by him as reasons of his divorces).
Boy #6: He's nearly twenty years older than I am. He's about as geeky as I am. And I have this odd suspicion that he really likes me. Oh boy. He's a really nice guy, I'm not saying that he isn't, but I don't subscribe to my friend Kat's theory that age is just a number. People older than me have had more experiences just because they've been around longer. It's a logical thing. Never date a tall, lanky geek who's way older than you are.
In all fairness, I've only really dated two of these boys. I've quasi-dated the other four. I'm sure if I were actually dating any of the others, it would be different. Who knows...maybe it's not. I just wish I could find a guy to date that's my own age, has some wisdom, and can be cool with me. But that's what all of us are looking for anyway. So maybe I'll just sigh and go back to studying.
Boy #1: He's younger than me. I really liked him but apparently no one told him he should take showers. He is also a very hyper melodramatic sort. We were boyfriend/girlfriend for a week once. I just consider him my younger brother. Never date a younger brother.
Boy #2: He's older than boy #1 but younger than me. I like him. I mentioned him a couple posts ago. There's just something about him that I like. I remember well who the hell he is now...he was a drug dealer. Never date drug dealers. (I'm glad he's going back to where he's from.)
Boy #3: We're the same age. He's really nice. Too nice. He was the first for everything. I love him...like a brother. Never date a guy who's like your twin.
Boy #4: He's a year older than me. He is the biggest dork, the rudest dickhead, and a pothead. He's funny, knows when I'm in a bad mood despite my lies that I'm fine, and he is cute. He's also the same sign as me. Never date a Scorpio male, especially if they're born in October. (My apologies to my comrades, I'm sure I'll meet a Scorpio male that isn't stupid.)
Boy #5: He's about ten years older than I am. He is really funny and can be charming. Sometimes he cares about an issue too much. (Don't we all?) I like him. He's cool. I also mentioned him in the last post. The Writer. He's been married twice before. Never date a guy that has hang-ups on power (so admitted by him as reasons of his divorces).
Boy #6: He's nearly twenty years older than I am. He's about as geeky as I am. And I have this odd suspicion that he really likes me. Oh boy. He's a really nice guy, I'm not saying that he isn't, but I don't subscribe to my friend Kat's theory that age is just a number. People older than me have had more experiences just because they've been around longer. It's a logical thing. Never date a tall, lanky geek who's way older than you are.
In all fairness, I've only really dated two of these boys. I've quasi-dated the other four. I'm sure if I were actually dating any of the others, it would be different. Who knows...maybe it's not. I just wish I could find a guy to date that's my own age, has some wisdom, and can be cool with me. But that's what all of us are looking for anyway. So maybe I'll just sigh and go back to studying.
Monday, May 13, 2002
What's Up With the Boys?
I am in the coffee shop, reading an interesting book and not really paying attention to anything. Suddenly, a Fuel Cafe mug enters my line of vision, the person attached to that cup purposely sets it down loudly. I look up.
"Hey, there," I say, recognizing the person, my friend The Writer. (He's trying to write a book.)
"Hey," he says, smiling.
"Where in the world have you been? I haven't seen you around for months. What've you been up to?"
And then we sat and chit-chatted some. He's actually not that bad of a person. Older, of course, but still humorous. Actually, if I think about it, maybe that's the reason I hang out with older people. I have the cynicism of a 30 or 40 year old. I learned the art of cynicism at my mother's knee, my formative years were during the time when she was in her 40's and 50's. Now she's approaching 60 in a few, short years. What twenty years will do to a person. I'm not afraid of growing old; I'm afraid of becoming closed-minded and set in my ways. I'm afraid of becoming the "you damn kids" old person. Sadly, I find myself saying that now about some of the teenagers I meet. Then again, when I was teenager, I was saying it about my contemparies...maybe it's not so much younger people than it is some of the dumb behavior I witnessed. I am a person who believes in freedom but I also think that with that freedom comes responsibilites that must be taken care of. I guess I'm just weird like that.
That, and I like The Writer. He's interesting. And guess what? He's moving out of state. Grrrr.
I am in the coffee shop, reading an interesting book and not really paying attention to anything. Suddenly, a Fuel Cafe mug enters my line of vision, the person attached to that cup purposely sets it down loudly. I look up.
"Hey, there," I say, recognizing the person, my friend The Writer. (He's trying to write a book.)
"Hey," he says, smiling.
"Where in the world have you been? I haven't seen you around for months. What've you been up to?"
And then we sat and chit-chatted some. He's actually not that bad of a person. Older, of course, but still humorous. Actually, if I think about it, maybe that's the reason I hang out with older people. I have the cynicism of a 30 or 40 year old. I learned the art of cynicism at my mother's knee, my formative years were during the time when she was in her 40's and 50's. Now she's approaching 60 in a few, short years. What twenty years will do to a person. I'm not afraid of growing old; I'm afraid of becoming closed-minded and set in my ways. I'm afraid of becoming the "you damn kids" old person. Sadly, I find myself saying that now about some of the teenagers I meet. Then again, when I was teenager, I was saying it about my contemparies...maybe it's not so much younger people than it is some of the dumb behavior I witnessed. I am a person who believes in freedom but I also think that with that freedom comes responsibilites that must be taken care of. I guess I'm just weird like that.
That, and I like The Writer. He's interesting. And guess what? He's moving out of state. Grrrr.
Tuesday, May 07, 2002
Hoopdy
"This is like a ghetto car or a pimp car," I said. Naturally, I was drunk.
"Naw, Mouse, it's my big car...my hoopdy," he replied.
I laughed. "Your hoopdy? Aw, man, that's funny."
Dammit. I really like this guy. There's just something about him that I like. Grrr.
Oh, and he lives in Colorado. He's just here visiting. Dammit.
"This is like a ghetto car or a pimp car," I said. Naturally, I was drunk.
"Naw, Mouse, it's my big car...my hoopdy," he replied.
I laughed. "Your hoopdy? Aw, man, that's funny."
Dammit. I really like this guy. There's just something about him that I like. Grrr.
Oh, and he lives in Colorado. He's just here visiting. Dammit.
Monday, May 06, 2002
Runaway
For some strange reason, I started thinking about John again. I don't quite remember what the thought patterns were to lead me to a few memories....
When I was a wee lass - about three or four, I think - I hid underneath a bed at my grandfather's apartment. My aunt was there, cleaning his place because he needed the help. Then she noticed that I was missing. She tried looking all over for me...I could hear her calling my name. I was under there for a really long time and wasn't about to come out. Well, not come out until I heard the phrase "call the police". I was a smart kid; I knew the difference between Big Trouble and Really Big Trouble. Yeah, I got yelled at, but my mother would have killed me if the police had been involved.
When I was in first grade, I got really mad at my family. We lived on the top floor of a duplex at that time, so there was a stairway to a vestibule and front door. So I left the house but hid in the stairway. I saw them - my dad and my brothers - outside looking for me. I also heard my mom running around and yelling my name. The most hilarious thing about this is that I was in the front hallway and on the stairs the whole time. No one ever came down that way. They looked in the front door, they open the door at the top of the stairs and yelled for me, but no one physically walked down the stairs. I managed to stay out of sight for awhile. I finally came back up the stairs and walked into the house. I got yelled at.
In second grade, I decided that I was going to run away. I even had a bag packed. I marched downstairs (we lived in a townhouse at that time) and announced my departure. My mother and my brother sat around and laughed at me. "So what are you going to eat?" my mother asked. "How are you going to get food?" I was not happy with this. I felt like I was being made fun of (which, in a way, I was) and I was completely serious. I mean, there had to be some nice people I could live with...some childless couple who wanted a daughter. At the very least, someone was going to be concerned about a small child out there on the street by herself. I got so upset I went back to my room and cried.
I don't really remember any more incidents of trying to run away. At 16, I told my mother that I wanted to move out at 18. "Well, then," she said, "if you want to go to college, then you'll have to pay for it. We won't help you." I told her that I was sick of living with them. She just said "So what?" and then proceeded to badger me about getting an education and going to college, which meant living with them. I devised a plan to go to an out of state college. They hid all the mail from these places. Oh, and they weren't going to cosign any loans. At 18, I told them I was going to take six months off from any kind of school (boy, were they mad) and it turned into a year. At 20, I said that I would like to move out on my own for awhile. Again: "We're not going to help you with school then, and you have to finish school." So here I am at 24, asking myself the question, "What the fuck?" (Excuse my language, but if they haven't gotten the hint in the past 20 years that I don't want to live with them, then they are dense.) I will be finishing school, and I don't care if I have to live in a cardboard box underneath a bridge to do it, I will not live with them. Everyone envies my "comfortable" life, and yeah, it is better than most, but I haven't had a life of my own yet. I can't possibly have a life of my own, jumping through all of these hoops that my parents want me to. Entrapment. Caged. And now they want me to get a job where I'll be halfway across the country or the world. I just don't get it. Now I have to start out at the plans I had at 18 and go from there. And my mom's on crack if thinks I'm calling her with any regularity. I've been in purgatory and dammit, I'm going to enjoy my freedom. Once I leave here, she's going to get a shock that I just want to work and then do nothing. I don't give a damn about what she wants for me. I've fullfilled my requirements and if I never get married or never have children or have children without being married, I DON'T CARE. I earned the right to live for myself.
Which I might have to explain to them. I may be failing a class and have to take something else.
For some strange reason, I started thinking about John again. I don't quite remember what the thought patterns were to lead me to a few memories....
When I was a wee lass - about three or four, I think - I hid underneath a bed at my grandfather's apartment. My aunt was there, cleaning his place because he needed the help. Then she noticed that I was missing. She tried looking all over for me...I could hear her calling my name. I was under there for a really long time and wasn't about to come out. Well, not come out until I heard the phrase "call the police". I was a smart kid; I knew the difference between Big Trouble and Really Big Trouble. Yeah, I got yelled at, but my mother would have killed me if the police had been involved.
When I was in first grade, I got really mad at my family. We lived on the top floor of a duplex at that time, so there was a stairway to a vestibule and front door. So I left the house but hid in the stairway. I saw them - my dad and my brothers - outside looking for me. I also heard my mom running around and yelling my name. The most hilarious thing about this is that I was in the front hallway and on the stairs the whole time. No one ever came down that way. They looked in the front door, they open the door at the top of the stairs and yelled for me, but no one physically walked down the stairs. I managed to stay out of sight for awhile. I finally came back up the stairs and walked into the house. I got yelled at.
In second grade, I decided that I was going to run away. I even had a bag packed. I marched downstairs (we lived in a townhouse at that time) and announced my departure. My mother and my brother sat around and laughed at me. "So what are you going to eat?" my mother asked. "How are you going to get food?" I was not happy with this. I felt like I was being made fun of (which, in a way, I was) and I was completely serious. I mean, there had to be some nice people I could live with...some childless couple who wanted a daughter. At the very least, someone was going to be concerned about a small child out there on the street by herself. I got so upset I went back to my room and cried.
I don't really remember any more incidents of trying to run away. At 16, I told my mother that I wanted to move out at 18. "Well, then," she said, "if you want to go to college, then you'll have to pay for it. We won't help you." I told her that I was sick of living with them. She just said "So what?" and then proceeded to badger me about getting an education and going to college, which meant living with them. I devised a plan to go to an out of state college. They hid all the mail from these places. Oh, and they weren't going to cosign any loans. At 18, I told them I was going to take six months off from any kind of school (boy, were they mad) and it turned into a year. At 20, I said that I would like to move out on my own for awhile. Again: "We're not going to help you with school then, and you have to finish school." So here I am at 24, asking myself the question, "What the fuck?" (Excuse my language, but if they haven't gotten the hint in the past 20 years that I don't want to live with them, then they are dense.) I will be finishing school, and I don't care if I have to live in a cardboard box underneath a bridge to do it, I will not live with them. Everyone envies my "comfortable" life, and yeah, it is better than most, but I haven't had a life of my own yet. I can't possibly have a life of my own, jumping through all of these hoops that my parents want me to. Entrapment. Caged. And now they want me to get a job where I'll be halfway across the country or the world. I just don't get it. Now I have to start out at the plans I had at 18 and go from there. And my mom's on crack if thinks I'm calling her with any regularity. I've been in purgatory and dammit, I'm going to enjoy my freedom. Once I leave here, she's going to get a shock that I just want to work and then do nothing. I don't give a damn about what she wants for me. I've fullfilled my requirements and if I never get married or never have children or have children without being married, I DON'T CARE. I earned the right to live for myself.
Which I might have to explain to them. I may be failing a class and have to take something else.
Saturday, May 04, 2002
Funny, Ain't It?
"You know," she said to me, after I described my delusions, "that sounds a lot like this one girl I knew. She said the same things...and she was schizophrenic. Wow. You sound just like her. It's like, a special type of it though."
So maybe I'm one of the people who's crazier than you. I love votes of confidence. But I'm not crazy:
"Really?" I replied. "Maybe she didn't have a mental illness at all."
"No, she did. It was some certain type. I can't remember what it was."
"You don't get my point. Maybe she was psychic or clairavoyant and they slapped that label on her. Chances are she probably wasn't ill at all. Because these things happen to me; they are real. It's something I can't help, it's something that I've lived with...."
Bar conversations can be very interesting.
"You know," she said to me, after I described my delusions, "that sounds a lot like this one girl I knew. She said the same things...and she was schizophrenic. Wow. You sound just like her. It's like, a special type of it though."
So maybe I'm one of the people who's crazier than you. I love votes of confidence. But I'm not crazy:
"Really?" I replied. "Maybe she didn't have a mental illness at all."
"No, she did. It was some certain type. I can't remember what it was."
"You don't get my point. Maybe she was psychic or clairavoyant and they slapped that label on her. Chances are she probably wasn't ill at all. Because these things happen to me; they are real. It's something I can't help, it's something that I've lived with...."
Bar conversations can be very interesting.
Thursday, May 02, 2002
Just Another Day
I like to sit around coffee shops and bars and sit and talk. But Lord, why on earth do I attract the insecure scary people? They latch onto me and don't let go. I hate that. I also hate John. I mean it this time. I really do. Oh well...
Oh, and I'm totally convinced that clothing is a suppression technique used by society to lull the masses into conformity. Take a stand! Cast off your clothing and be free...
I like to sit around coffee shops and bars and sit and talk. But Lord, why on earth do I attract the insecure scary people? They latch onto me and don't let go. I hate that. I also hate John. I mean it this time. I really do. Oh well...
Oh, and I'm totally convinced that clothing is a suppression technique used by society to lull the masses into conformity. Take a stand! Cast off your clothing and be free...
Wednesday, May 01, 2002
Coffeeshop Quandries
My friend and I decided that if I jumped off a bridge, she has to come with. If she gets a gun and shoots herself, she has to shoot me too. It's not that we'd do either of these things. This is how we describe our moods. "I feel like shooting myself" conveys a feeling better than "I feel angry, frustrated, and depressed". And what causes would be so worthy of death? Men. She knows a man that she's totally in love with and can't stop saying that she loves him. I know a guy that I steadfastly refuse to admit I'm in love with. No, I'm not in love with John. I will never be. Maybe I care a great deal, but I don't love him. Really, I don't. He's a pothead. He's a charmer. He's nearly a slut. No, I don't love him. Really. What sucks is when people start singing songs with the word "goodbye" in them. Did he do that just to annoy me? Is he serious about that? Argh. This is the problem with communicating with my own sign. We say everything by not saying it. A carefully chosen word speaks volumes. A certain song sung at a certain time, a well placed joke, a slight hint...we speak in codes. It's too silly for words. And we are sooo damn nosy too. It's a game, something I'm getting sick of...all these games that everyone plays and I can play them and convince myself that I'm not the looser of it, but it takes energy and I just don't have it anymore. People are always telling me to be careful. I've heard it a zillion times. The thing is, I am a cautious person but no one really recognizes that. Argh. My life right now is just one big "argh".
My friend and I decided that if I jumped off a bridge, she has to come with. If she gets a gun and shoots herself, she has to shoot me too. It's not that we'd do either of these things. This is how we describe our moods. "I feel like shooting myself" conveys a feeling better than "I feel angry, frustrated, and depressed". And what causes would be so worthy of death? Men. She knows a man that she's totally in love with and can't stop saying that she loves him. I know a guy that I steadfastly refuse to admit I'm in love with. No, I'm not in love with John. I will never be. Maybe I care a great deal, but I don't love him. Really, I don't. He's a pothead. He's a charmer. He's nearly a slut. No, I don't love him. Really. What sucks is when people start singing songs with the word "goodbye" in them. Did he do that just to annoy me? Is he serious about that? Argh. This is the problem with communicating with my own sign. We say everything by not saying it. A carefully chosen word speaks volumes. A certain song sung at a certain time, a well placed joke, a slight hint...we speak in codes. It's too silly for words. And we are sooo damn nosy too. It's a game, something I'm getting sick of...all these games that everyone plays and I can play them and convince myself that I'm not the looser of it, but it takes energy and I just don't have it anymore. People are always telling me to be careful. I've heard it a zillion times. The thing is, I am a cautious person but no one really recognizes that. Argh. My life right now is just one big "argh".
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