I think a lot. I am an opinionated bitch, sometimes a bit too aggressive. But by "too aggressive", I mean "aggressive like men".

Which sends them screaming for the hills. In my experience, people seem to equate short and cute with timid and shy (see also the cringe inducing "innocent" and "naive"). I can be shy, it does take me awhile to actually warm up to people.

I was timid all throughout my 20s. It sucked being trapped in a box of fear and hate. When the shackles of fear unlocked, it felt great. Now I'm trying to navigate that, to get a feel for proper aggressiveness, for being a total bitch. It's not that it's new for me, but I need to find the right balance again. I used to think I was bipolar, but pretty much every screening says I'm not. That's how much I feared myself, that maybe I was the crazy one. When you grow up with someone like that, your parent, it really does affect you in that way, that you're totally sane and normal but made to seem like you're crazy.

Although I do disagree with The Artist. Yes, you can walk down the bar and ask people to sleep with you, but if you have even the teenist bit of standards, it matters who says "yes". Let's just say I did test the theory out, and my results weren't all that bad. There's a whole world of guys who do not think that they're attractive, but they are. I find that sad. Society brainwashes them into thinking that they will never be attractive because they don't have money or aren't beefcake, and that's what women really want and care about. They believe the lies that women hate sex so much that you have to buy beer/diamonds/flowers/steaks to coerce women into having sex, that what you put into The Great Pussy Vending Machine is what you'll get out. And yes, many women believe this too, and play into it. I'm sorry, but as much as I like steak and beer and hate diamonds and flowers, if I want any of these things, I'll buy them for myself. My soul is not for sale. All I want is to be listened to and fucked. Really. That's all I require. Well, and at least for someone to pretend I'm fascinating. That would be totally awesome.

And that's not to say that there are people out there who never want to have sex. I can't imagine that, but that's just my failing. And they're free not to have it. Just like there are guys who say that they will fuck anyone, it just needs to be asked, but I've often found out that they won't. These guys either have incredibly high standards or they beat off to tentacle rape porn. And if you ever want to have lots of fun, just ask them to define what their standards are, because having standards means they're gay. (Yes, I'm an asshole. I love to suggest that there are many masturbatory aids on the market, and they recoil in horror, because a blow-up doll or Fleshlight is completely gay. I'm not making this up. People hold these opinions.) This group of men overlaps with the group of men who get mad at women who won't sleep with them. Yes, she's had 48 sexual partners and is only 25, but that doesn't mean that she lacks standards. Rarely will a woman sleep with just anyone. They hate it when you point out that that woman won't sleep with them for the same reason that other women won't sleep with them - usually bad hygiene, or they are entitled creepy fuckwits, or they're people who think this is funny. (There's a world of difference between erotic restraint and rape. Hint: it has to do with consent.)

But now that I think about it, that's probably where the fear creeps in. It takes a lot to tell someone that you'd like to be tied up, but still trust them to respect your boundaries, which you can't count on them doing, and I just don't trust people. It's my default to be skeptical of people and their intentions because more often than not, they aren't trustworthy. Which brings me back to "innocent" and "naive". The shit that goes through my head is far from innocent. I have a great imagination, and with your imagination, no one gets AIDS or syphilis, and people can do deliciously dark things without worrying about reality. Which is why the shit stays in my head, because when I actually think about seeking someone out to do these things with, it would take a very high level of trust, and an investment of time and emotion that I really don't want to get into. And I know better than to be naive. People lie about things all the time - or they don't know what they want, so have clue about anything. They don't know themselves well enough to just be who they are. I've been there, and it sucks.

I'm just glad I'm getting my footing again. Life is good.