What to realize...

I have just realized the hopelessness of my situation with Mr. Blond. Not that I didn't know it before or suspected that it would come to this, but I never dared to let myself think it.

I think I'm falling in love with him. I'm going to cry.

One
I don't say that "L" word lightly. Mostly my affection for anyone can be considered on the "like" level. That means I enjoy their company...and in the case of guys, I'd occasionally sleep with them. "Like" is a very comfortable place for me to be with someone; there are no strong emotional attachments, no real and binding obligations to that person. It's more of a friendship term. The Big "L", however, is a whole different story. It's "like", it's jealousy, it's being so comfortable it makes me nervous, it's insecurity, it's security, it's craziness, it's dreams, it's nightmares...it's everything. Because I don't just have emotions...I completely and intensely feel and live them. So to even express that the "L" word is a possibility takes a whole lot of courage. To actually say or think it requires the courage and trust that I don't readily give to myself, much less another human being.

Two
I'm trying to completely and totally convince myself that I'm not contemplating the "L" word. There's a funny thing that happens with me when that word comes up...I can find faults with people. Breezy infatuation doesn't lend itself to the time it takes to realize that someone is just a person with faults. But because this is me we're talking about, the "L" word only magnifies it. I refuse to think it. I can't think it: He's not my boyfriend...We're not dating...I'm not as interesting/intelligent as he is.... Because of these things, I have to stop myself from ever using that word to describe how I feel about him. He most likely does not feel the same way about me so I must remain silent so as not to look foolish and simple. It's also too intense to think about. I have to play calm and cool lest I do something so stupid that we couldn't be friends. It's happened before...twice. The first was my fault and I will suffer in silence because I don't have the courage to admit to my stupidity. The second wasn't my fault because one can't help how they feel about someone and it's only natural to warn them of what emotion is occurring. That was John. But John also figures into the first stupid thing I did. I don't just hate John; I hate myself for ever liking John. But it was more than "like". I refuse to go there...I should just stop thinking about it...which is hard, because once that "L" word appears, the torture begins anew.

Three
The "L" word makes me feel uncomfortable. I want to run and hide. My first reaction to this is to never speak to Mr. Blond again...to learn to ignore his presence (sound familiar?). It's not that I want to pretend he doesn't exist; I want him to pretend that I don't exist. No one in their right minds would love a crazy gargoyle like me. I'm downright ugly, mean, and cruel. (Yeah, that fault thing? I get that way about myself....) And the bitch of it is that this has absolutely nothing to do with the other person. It's all me and my horrible negative feelings. I feel so stupid when I get the feeling that the "L" word is possible...like I should know better than that or something. (Soundgarden: "Love's for everyone who isn't me".) I don't want to do this though. I don't want to run and hide. I don't want to feel stupid. ("So, what'cha thinking?" -- If you only knew.) I don't want to be frozen in fear over the Big "L". But I am. I am scared, petrified, terrified...and I can't seem to shake it. I can't even discuss it with anyone because I get that scared. I feel like running. I feel like doing something that would force a total rejection. At least then I'd be able to deal with that...rejection. That's more comforting...that's the thing I know best and would rather deal with than the Big "L". But it's way too late to pretend to be trivial. I've gone too far to pretend to be the charming Bar Mouse. And I also hate myself for that...for putting myself into a corner like this. How did I get in this situation?

Bar Mouse. That's how. And it finally burned me.

I thought that I'd take a stab at Mr. Blond. It wasn't successful, of course, but it was worth a try. After all, if it didn't work, there would always be another. What did I have to loose? TS -- the one who was seventeen years older than me -- wasn't around as much and I was getting annoyed with his...opinions. I didn't quite believe the same things he did but since it wasn't going to get anywhere near serious (it was just a fling, after all), I wasn't going to express anything that smacked of my own opinion. So it eventually burned out, which I expected and didn't much care about. Time to move on and the target was Mr. Blond. A shot in the dark. Curse me for picking out a decent guy. A decent, intelligent, sweet, evil boy. I could care less that nothing happened. I was happy that there was a person who was actually smart. (Cosmic? Scary Liar? Beady Eyes? Cat Eyes?...the list goes on. Trivia is nice, but it doesn't take the place of real thought. That's why I liked drinking with the Artist. We were just friends, drinking and talking, no sex or anything. That was nice.) Curse me for being attracted to intelligence (and a black trenchcoat). I wanted to kiss him but didn't because, well, I genuninely liked him. And I know myself well enough that he would be a type I'd fall in love with, and that's not what I was after. I tried to pick up other guys and it just wasn't working. I wanted to get laid. But then I spent more and more time with Mr. Blond and now I'm in this quagmire. The sad thing about it -- what makes this so hopeless -- is that I've been wanting a serious relationship again and beginning to piece myself back together to do it. I wasn't expecting anything like this to happen. I wasn't thinking that I'd be falling into Love's trap this soon after deciding that dammit, I want a real boyfriend. But it's not real, I have to keep telling myself. (See number Two above.) It's just one of those quasi-dating relationships again. AGAIN! Did I not just swear those off? And from what I gather, he doesn't feel this way about me. That just compounds the hopelessness of all of this.

I just wonder when the moment of indecision becomes the moment of decision. Which side of the coin will it be....?