Some Wisdom

Another day, another beer, and how would it feel, if you weren't there anymore?

I feel like screaming in an echo chamber. I feel like crying so hard I barf. I feel like hiding in the forest. I feel like running away. And it's all for you...all for the pain that I drive myself to when I think of how I feel about you...or maybe I'm just thinking of myself in relation to your soul. I have a million and one questions to ask and a million and one statements to make and I just can't muster up the courage to tell you how I feel about anything. Didn't you know that's reserved for those few who've earned the privilege to hear me speak my mind? It's too soon for flowers and hopes, and never for me, this I am sure of. You speak of things that confuse you and cause conflict but those are things that I've mulled over and forgotten years ago. How can this be? It's the wisdom I tell you. So I will drive you to distraction, I will point the pretty girls your way, until you don't notice me anymore. This is how I have to be for I deserve nothing. Oh, I can love but I'm not one to be loved...it depends on how many hoops you want to jump through. Ten, twenty, thirty? A thousand? I am patient and I can wait forever for you to leave my presence, I will encourage it, I will throw nails in the road to puncture the tires. To know what it is to love me is to know the feeling of being hit in the chest with a truck. I do not put up walls; I carefully construct mazes that twist and wind and ultimately lead you back to point A. To love me is to be in a race of endurance...I will never give up this or miss an opportunity to disappoint, dismay, cause dislike. If you don't love me then I want you to hate me. A little sad, a little confused, but mostly bitter and dramatic. This is how I am. This is why. I must keep my distance lest I fall in love and think we mean something. So I will always drink up unhappy until I am alone, utterly alone, and there's no more hoops left in the closet.