More Randoms

My Horoscope from Astrocenter.com

In so many ways you seem to hold a lot of aces in terms of your career and major goals in life. The Sun, Mars, and Jupiter in Leo, indicate that you certainly want to get ahead. Yet the amount of energy you are putting into your life may be in conflict with the way in which you are naturally inclined to operate. You find yourself having to be up front, showy and also in a position where you need to openly promote yourself in quite a forceful way. This rather runs against the grain for you, as you really prefer to do things more quietly, and to operate subtly from behind the scenes without others really knowing what you are up to. To have to be quite so explicit is rather difficult for you. Yet this is what is going to bring you the results you so desperately crave right now. You will not get anywhere by pulling silent strings, but only by going to the other extreme and making a fuss about your smallest decisions. Self-promotion is the name of the game - so whether you are trying to attract the attention of someone you love, attempting to win a major contract, or beat the rising tide of deadlines, then remember to be bold and very, very open.

Sure....I have a hard time going against the grain of my being. And yeah, this could apply to something in my life at this moment...now that I think about it, I was forming a bold plan of action for something. Of course, if I dare mentioned what it was, there would be people I would have to kill.
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My friend had her wedding. It was a very nice shindig...but I felt like an outsider to my friend's life. I feel kind of cheated...I am a better friend to everyone else than they ever are to me. I do things for people or provide emotional support for them but at the same time, they would never in a million years ever do that for me. Don't you see? I'm the strong one. I'm the one who cheers people up. I'm the one who gets called in for crisises/termoil/chaos. It makes me bitter at times. I never get to be myself...at first, I was scared that my friends would drop me if I did, but then I started to relish the fact that I am a completely different person than they know. They know the character I play for them. They don't know me. Worse, I feed into these illusions because who I am suddenly became a personal thing. Yeah, on the internet, if you ran into me, I am generally myself, but I'm anonymous here and therefore can be myself. I play characters in real life...Bar Mouse, Party Girl...loud and boisterous, quiet/shy/coy...you name it, I've prolly pretended to be it. The short and cute girl at the end of the bar will play short and cute...but she's also very smart, extremely clever, cunning, and evil. Cloven hooves and horns are too obvious for Satan...if there is a Satan, it's going to be the most sickenly adorable person on earth. (Porter Wagoner: "Satan is real, working with power...".) I can play stupid and often do. I like to lie while making eye contact. I guess sometimes there are points in your life where you just feel a bit jaded, unoptimistic, and bitter.

I only say this because I should have been the maid of honor. I wanted to be. The first person my friend asked said no, then she asked me, and I accepted. When it became clear that the first girl regretted saying no, I graciously backed down. I did it for my friend who didn't need squabbles and such. Why am I such a good sport about such things? Why am I so gracious to other people? I don't want a big wedding because EVERYONE will be fighting over who would be my maid of honor, and no doubt there would be outright hostility among my bridesmaids. No one can get along just for my sake to keep me happy. And nothing ever changes. I have new friends now that act like that. I can't take much more of this. It makes me want to hole up in the middle of nowhere and just hide away from people with my only contact to outside world being a computer and internet connection.

Now only if I could find a guy who would like that sort of thing, I'd have the perfect life. Alone together.

Is that too much to ask?...Who am I kidding? Yeah, it prolly is, and I'll just have to settle. Grrr. Oh, well, I've got better things to muse about right now. Like, how the hell I'm going to brush my hair....the hairdo we had used about a hundred hairpins and lots of hairspray and now I have to try to tame my hair. Grrrrr. Double grrr. On the plus side, my 'rents went to State Fair, so hopefully they'll bring me back cheese.....