What did I get myself into?

Here I go again, as hopeless as always. Random one on the internets. I want to see you again, want to have coffee and hang out. It would be nice. But I still have, shall we say, feelings for you. I need to keep that out of my voice, off of my face, out of my mind. Who knows what changes you've gone through? Best just to have a cup of coffee, long gone are days of...well, those days. I never wanted them to be over, and I curse the day that I ever said what I did, but in a way, I just had to know. And then I found out, knowing damn well that it may cost a friendship, and for a while, it felt like that. I can't make you ever like me or make you feel the same way about as I do about you, and I know this. I know this. But it doesn't stop me from hoping, or feeling the way I do. For once, I want that returned, from you, but I know it will never happen. We'll have coffee, and chat, and then say goodbye, and then you won't talk to me for a few years, and who knows by then...maybe you'll be married or I'll be married, and life will have moved on, with the part of my heart locked away from you that holds you in it. And I'll have to live with that, as much as it hurts. I want to call you back right now and talk because I really miss you, and dammit, you know miss me too, because you always say that, Friend. That won't stop me from wanting to kiss you, to hold you, to have sex with you, or any other thing that my imagination comes up with. You've always been a bit skittish around me, King of Mixed Messages, and I never know how to take that. Do you have feelings for me too, or are you just embarrassed that someone likes you that much? But see you I must, because I really need to see for myself how utterly hopeless it is, to have irrefutable proof that it is hopeless, so that my heart is convinced and I think no more of it. Perhaps you won't be skittish and we'll sit and chat like normal adults, and it will be very civil, except for the trashy confines of my lurid imagination, which I can live with. Always have, always will.

Fuck it, I'm gonna call you anyway.