To Hell With It

We were sitting in the car. "Yeah," my friend says, "you're 25 now. I remember you ranting about how you couldn't wait to be 25. You said, 'Now I will be heard.'"

I had forgotten about that. When I turned 24, something magical was supposed to have happen (I won't elaborate, but it would have been big). If I lived to 25, that's when I'd be a real adult. Notice how no one ever pays attention to anyone under the age of 25? No one takes you seriously. But then you're 25, 26 and people start talking to you as if you're an actual adult. They assume that you know something. And for whatever meager attention that might bring, I'd be happy to have it. I'm tired of people not taking me seriously or even listening to me. There are so many conversations that I'd like to have but no one really has the time -- or interest -- to sit with me and listen. It'd be even better if they also knew what I was talking about but I'm not going to be that picky. Like I say, I'd rather pretend that I never was a child. I couldn't wait to be an adult when I was younger. I desparately wanted to grow up. Slowly but surely I did. I'm still growing up. And I never want to be a kid again. My pain is my own and makes me who I am but that doesn't mean that I want to live through that tourture again. You may be thinking to yourself, "What could really be so bad?" All I can say is that I understand the frustration, humiliation, depression of those who go to school and go on shooting sprees because they were teased. The anger, the despair, just the horrible sadness that follows you around and takes up space in your head, and in the quiet moments can be so loud and deafening that it drives you crazy and you want your life to end because it's there, always there, and you can't escape from it. I understand the children who live in such a hell that they would commit suicide to get away from the pain that their classmates cause them. Zero Tolerance won't get rid of the bullies. It's nothing that the kids themselves do, they aren't particularily weak or suseptable to attack...just somewhere on Earth, a group of kids gets it into their heads that they have to be so mean to one person. It's a way of fitting in, I suppose. Whenever you see those shocking things on TV, just remember that something so seriously wrong happened to this kid, that they believe that this is their only way out of it.

And to be really sad about it, the only thing that stopped me from doing something so dramatic or committing suicide was my faith in God. I'm not saying it would work for anyone else, I'm just saying it worked for me. When I had no one else, not even my parents, there was God. There's nothing like being alone in a church with just you and Jesus. God may not always answer your prayers, God may not even give you the answer you want, but that's God, and maybe it's just as well then. After all, God's got your interests at heart. I knew that I would never get half the things I prayed for but it still felt better just to rant to God. God listens. And for the times when I cursed God because I was mad at God, I knew deep down that it was silly to be mad at God for my own failings, for not getting what I wanted because I wanted to be lazy about it and not work for it. I think that's most people's problem with God; you don't get instant gratification from God. On the same token, if God can be patient with me when I'm ranting, then I guess I could be patient with God if I ask for something. I think of God as a best friend and mentor. Maybe that's why I have issues with fundamentalists; their God is an unforgiving parent who will bestow harsh punishments upon you and all you can do is ask for what little mercy God may have (but don't expect to get it, you heathen sinner!) instead of God as someone who helps you and understands a bit about humanity and occasionally tries to steer you in another direction if it seems the one you're on will lead you to places that you really shouldn't go. Friendly advice...you can take it or leave it and if you leave it, that's the path to sin. As one spiritual mentor (and piano teacher) once noted to me, "God came down to us through Jesus. We think that now what God wants is for us to meet Him on His level." And if that's not true, I still don't care, because I will always believe in God and always try my best to be a good Christian. Sometimes I fancy that I feel like Jesus standing around the high priests and Pharasees, telling people that it's not necessarily the religious rules that matter, it's the understanding of God and willingness to carry out God's plan that matters. Like I said before, there's traditions and rituals, and those are okay, but they aren't the teachings themselves. You can wear your chastity rings and fast for Lent, but if you don't really believe in God and you don't live with God in your heart, you still won't get the "get into heaven free" pass. God's gonna know if you're paying lip service or not. If you're a Christian, and you stand on a street corner and yell to the world that the heathen homosexuals are going to burn in hell, and then proceed to badger anyone you see that you think might be homosexual, THEN YOU'RE NOT LIVING THE WORD OF GOD! If you live the word of God, you'd leave them alone because it's not up to you to decide where they're going and if they reject God, that's not your problem and you can't cure them or berate them or anything else. "He who is without sin shall cast the first stone." "How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye', when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?" How can a Christian really ignore these kinds of teachings? Am I truly the only one who actually thinks about what they mean? I'm not going to shove my beliefs about God down anyone's throat. But for those who do believe, don't you think they should know better? I certainly do. With the way things go, though, I'm beginning to feel that I'm in the minority on that one...guess I'm gonna have to start going to church again. I need the reassurance that someone out there will teach the word of God with humanity instead of callous disregard for people.

Where was I? Oh, yeah. Turning 25. I've had a strange year and a half. An engagement, a fire, and broken engagement...a few men thrown into the mix. It's been so hectic. Maybe now life will be better than it has been from now on. I certainly hope so. And now I'm all out of writing steam, so I think I'm gonna go and make some breakfast....