Something Thought

Mr. Blond says that he hasn't kept up with reading my blogs. Which is just as well for me. I wouldn't want anyone getting too close again. After all, there's a lot that I don't tell him. I'm being cautious, I know, but it's out of habit and protection for myself. I don't want to have a pattern of the same kind of relationships that boarder on the "honky tonk". (Go listen to some classic country.) Especially since I pay for a lot of things. Really, I've heard the "when I get a job, I'll buy you [insert whatever item here]" thing too many times to really believe it. The proof is when those people actually get a job. And there's been enough times that someone has and has never shown the same kind of generousity that I've shown them. I'm a skeptic. I can't help it. Or maybe it's a defense. The thing is, it's not a bad defense. Really, it isn't.

And he tries so hard to get me to tell him what's wrong. I just won't; I can't tell him because I don't trust him to know how much anything really hurts me. I feel too close in some ways and to make up for it, I have to not be close in others. I'm good at distance. Distraction is another good one too. If he's too busy, then he won't pay attention in those single moments where I feel the chasm of lonliness. Or he'll forget about them. At least, I hope that's what happens. At the same time, I don't want it to. I want to say how I feel. But I can't. And then people tell me I'll get married one day. I laugh at that. No, I won't. I can barely live with myself, how is anyone really going to able to live with me? There are times even I don't want to be around myself so I can only imagine the tourture other people have to go through because I'm there. I don't even know why he's interested in me; I'm the daffy sort, and it really must be frustrating to hang around someone so not apparently as smart as he is. I know people who are smarter than me. And I'm not all that interesting either. All I ever do is write or read a book. And I can be very annoying. Very, very annoying. Ask any of my friends, they'll tell you. I don't claim to be a nice person because I'm not.

Or maybe I'm just feeling this way now because I live in a house with two crazy people who play games with me....