I like useless tests.


Which movie heroine are you?

Just Another Damn Nugget

A hypothetical question (among other questions, and this is the point where I said "I'll think about it") was asked of me and I'm not sure how to respond to it. I have this thing where I have to avoid tough questions. Given the situation, part of me wants to say, "Go ahead, do whatever you want, why are you even asking because it's not my decision" (if, in fact, there was that implication there). But then there's the other part waving flags, shooting off flares and pointing to a warning sign. "There are things here," it says, "that you don't want to get into. Give it up and move on, even if it's worth it to stay, even if you care deeply enough that you'd chase crack whores away, even if it means more to you than you'd ever say. You're a loner, remember? There's more than one out there...dime a dozen. You're being forced to share an opinion that is better left unsaid. Remember the last time you got the goofy idea to say anything? Yeah, I know you do. Just keep that in mind. We won't let you forget that. All it boils down to is that you're just a silly girl with silly ideas in her head and no way to ever know if anything's mutual. Don't you get it? It's all in your head. Now, be a good girl and have another shot." How does one combat such brilliant negative arguments like that? Oh, and if it isn't that: "You know everything comes to an end. It's better if you make it sooner than later. Face it, you're the only one who decides if you're happy or not. So fucking be happy alone already. We're getting tired of these little games and stupid emotions." So on go the pair of headphones to drown out that noise. Which doesn't really leave time to think about other things, such as phrases in German, spoken to me while I'm drunk, probably to ensure that I'll forget what was said. Just like that hypothetical question. I'm inclined to play Bar Mouse with this and spend the rest of my days at the Palace of Rock. But then, that's not what I want at all. What I want is the ability to be able to say all of this without the fear that I'll be immediately asked to leave. Totally irrational, I know, but hey...I am crazy, rememeber?

Note to L: You're my favorite skrew. Hehehehehe.

A Note

Dear James,

It's been a really long time since I wrote you but one day I randomly saw someone from childhood...Hosea. Yeah, what a shock that was, not to mention other things which I believe I dicussed with you last time I saw you. You know. Anyway, he said that he had met you and that you had told him all about everything...which I find hard to believe. You know me well, James, but not that well...oh, wait, you do. Well, it's not like I can help it either you freak, I just have to talk to someone and the Liar just isn't the person, which you oh so elequently pointed out to me. Oh, and little Cosmic has gotten better. The Artist is better too, though he's slipped a bit. And I made a new friend...Beady Eyes. She's not that bad...as long as she's on the upswing, if you catch my drift, I'm sure you do. Why do I attract the crazies? I'll never know. The reluctant prophet. That should bring you a good laugh, dear friend. Hey, guess what I'm listening to..."Facing the Wall"....hehehe..."Facin' the wall / feeling lonely / but it offers me a place to cry unseen / facin' the wall / feeling lonely / I can't face the room with all these shattered dreams...". I love that song. You know why. How much heartbreak should a woman take before it gets worse than crying in her beer? And even worse than that...I can't listen to Eminem...."We're out of our medicine / out of our minds / we want in yours / let us in...". Yeah, I've been okay. Got problems though, and I'm sure you can guess what they are related to. I'll give you three guesses...No, not him....No, not him....No, not him, never in a million years. Yeah, add one to list, pretty soon I'll be able to have my own trading cards...hehehe. There's a difference though. I like this one. Yeah, yeah, I liked the ones before, but I really like this one....and no, don't you dare bring up that "L" word again. I'm determined to leave that out of it, after you know who. I'm not, in case you were wondering...the term I used is "like" so leave it there. I'm just afraid it's another "I like you more than you like me" things and you know how I get about that. I'm sure I'll look back and laugh at some point, but not now. This makes it what, three times this has happened? Oh, by the way, Hosea brought up "Wicked" and that irked me some, because I believe that there was an agreement never to bring it up. I'm not all that mad, though, because he picked up on it immediately, or so he says because I'm very sure that's how you told it to him. But who knows...Hosea knew me well enough. Still kind of does and it's been years, and it's creepy yet comforting. And I know what you'd say to that horoscope of mine: "Bold? God, you're practically dykish already! Bold's the last thing you need..." but you know I'm a total chicken when it comes to feelings. After all, how long did it take me to 'fess up to John? Months? And I knew I'd regret it. You even knew and you tried to stop me. I'm surprised you did that...after all, between you and me, we both know about that horrible self-destructive streak I have, and you usually let me go through it. I guess this one was pretty bad...and it's always getting worse. You know me..."What little voice in my head?"...and you know about me being gracious to the point where I should wear a sign that says "Doormat". Hosea wondered about that...wondered what happened. Maybe I'll save that conversation for some other time, another letter. But you already know, I suppose. Well, I've got to go...time for coffee and Tiki. Maybe I'll come up with a solution to my predicament. Chances are...not, but hey, I can always hope. Give my love to Cisily and crew, write back soon, and I promise to write more often...I swear.....

Music

My life is a musical and I can't sing.

Metallica: "And then it comes to be that the soothing light at the end of your tunnel/is just a freight train comin' your way..." And she's got red hair too...she will destroy what she touches as she slinks around the neighborhood waiting for the perfect moment and the perfect man. Oh, believe me, she is good...the predatory female. Challenge and the thrill of the chase. She laughs carelessly at broken hearts and broken dreams. Her soul is her own. She will fight to be free. No caring for her.

A Small Interjection....
She longs for the soul she used to play with, an imaginary friend of sorts. Oh, she knows he has light colored hair and once lived in sunny California but isn't sure if the house she saw was there or somewhere else. When you enter the front door, there's a hallway directly ahead and one can see out through sliding/french doors the backyard with trees and the sun poking through them. She is not sure if it dawn or dusk. Through the hallway, the kitchen is on the left (a counter with stools divides the space) and the den/living room is on the right. At the front door, there's a stairway on the left and other rooms, one left and one right. The stairs lead to a second floor landing, which has a railing and a table against it, with a runner. There's a vase on it. There's a picture of a flower done in watercolors. The master bedroom is on the left, in the middle is another bedroom, and on the right is another room/bedroom. Whose house was that? She will never know. She has no idea of the person it belongs to, really, since she's never seen a house like that. If she saw it, she would recognize it. But for now all she does is wonder what that has to do with anything.

Dave Matthews Band: "These crimes between us grow deeper..." She doesn't explain much, least of all about herself. She tries to talk about other people instead. It is safer that way. She does not have to reveal anything then. Oh, the talk of ghosts, the talk of anything, she realizes that she's crazy, or that someone's going to think that and slap the labels on her. She will fight if she has to. Things Left Unsaid. That's the note to the crush she had on some guy who was oh sooooo smart but was an asshole at the time. And then she reads it again and realizes that it applied to John. Suddenly she wants to burn her pretty book with poetry and pretend that she can't read or write. She can't stand herself, how could she expect anyone else to?

Soundgarden: "Save it for your own and the ones you can help..." Her advice always goes unheeded. She wishes that there was someone who would be grateful for the world of knowledge she has...an apprentice of sorts. A person to take under her wing. But no one wants to gain from her. So she sadly waits out her days...

And that's all I feel like writing. So there. Amuse yourselves at The Caption Machine. There's another funny post there.

More Randoms

My Horoscope from Astrocenter.com

In so many ways you seem to hold a lot of aces in terms of your career and major goals in life. The Sun, Mars, and Jupiter in Leo, indicate that you certainly want to get ahead. Yet the amount of energy you are putting into your life may be in conflict with the way in which you are naturally inclined to operate. You find yourself having to be up front, showy and also in a position where you need to openly promote yourself in quite a forceful way. This rather runs against the grain for you, as you really prefer to do things more quietly, and to operate subtly from behind the scenes without others really knowing what you are up to. To have to be quite so explicit is rather difficult for you. Yet this is what is going to bring you the results you so desperately crave right now. You will not get anywhere by pulling silent strings, but only by going to the other extreme and making a fuss about your smallest decisions. Self-promotion is the name of the game - so whether you are trying to attract the attention of someone you love, attempting to win a major contract, or beat the rising tide of deadlines, then remember to be bold and very, very open.

Sure....I have a hard time going against the grain of my being. And yeah, this could apply to something in my life at this moment...now that I think about it, I was forming a bold plan of action for something. Of course, if I dare mentioned what it was, there would be people I would have to kill.
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My friend had her wedding. It was a very nice shindig...but I felt like an outsider to my friend's life. I feel kind of cheated...I am a better friend to everyone else than they ever are to me. I do things for people or provide emotional support for them but at the same time, they would never in a million years ever do that for me. Don't you see? I'm the strong one. I'm the one who cheers people up. I'm the one who gets called in for crisises/termoil/chaos. It makes me bitter at times. I never get to be myself...at first, I was scared that my friends would drop me if I did, but then I started to relish the fact that I am a completely different person than they know. They know the character I play for them. They don't know me. Worse, I feed into these illusions because who I am suddenly became a personal thing. Yeah, on the internet, if you ran into me, I am generally myself, but I'm anonymous here and therefore can be myself. I play characters in real life...Bar Mouse, Party Girl...loud and boisterous, quiet/shy/coy...you name it, I've prolly pretended to be it. The short and cute girl at the end of the bar will play short and cute...but she's also very smart, extremely clever, cunning, and evil. Cloven hooves and horns are too obvious for Satan...if there is a Satan, it's going to be the most sickenly adorable person on earth. (Porter Wagoner: "Satan is real, working with power...".) I can play stupid and often do. I like to lie while making eye contact. I guess sometimes there are points in your life where you just feel a bit jaded, unoptimistic, and bitter.

I only say this because I should have been the maid of honor. I wanted to be. The first person my friend asked said no, then she asked me, and I accepted. When it became clear that the first girl regretted saying no, I graciously backed down. I did it for my friend who didn't need squabbles and such. Why am I such a good sport about such things? Why am I so gracious to other people? I don't want a big wedding because EVERYONE will be fighting over who would be my maid of honor, and no doubt there would be outright hostility among my bridesmaids. No one can get along just for my sake to keep me happy. And nothing ever changes. I have new friends now that act like that. I can't take much more of this. It makes me want to hole up in the middle of nowhere and just hide away from people with my only contact to outside world being a computer and internet connection.

Now only if I could find a guy who would like that sort of thing, I'd have the perfect life. Alone together.

Is that too much to ask?...Who am I kidding? Yeah, it prolly is, and I'll just have to settle. Grrr. Oh, well, I've got better things to muse about right now. Like, how the hell I'm going to brush my hair....the hairdo we had used about a hundred hairpins and lots of hairspray and now I have to try to tame my hair. Grrrrr. Double grrr. On the plus side, my 'rents went to State Fair, so hopefully they'll bring me back cheese.....

Random Thoughts

I left a note for my friend on her car. She's the one who's getting married. I told her to remember to breathe. She needed that little note. And all I have to ask is "Why?" Why do I do these wonderful things for people? I never get things like that in return...but I do them with the thought that one day my kindness will pay off and my little wishes come true. Wishes. They're just hopes, that's what any wish is. And like I said, I wish pretty hard for lots of things....
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I had a strange realization the other day. I'm not sure that I'm really going to share it here (I do have my limits). It was just an odd thought that snowballed into a realization. And it's one of those realizations that are contradictory. I like something but I'm afraid of it. Now that I think about it, it's not that much of a secret...I have written about something related to it before. But it does certainly explain a lot. I'll have to mull over it for a while to figure it out....
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I had a weird dream today. I dreamt that I was at my coffee shop and Beady Eyes was there. I was sitting outside on a bench and drinking my coffee. She suddenly came out of nowhere and started mubling to herself. (She does have an actual mental illness. Thank god it's a cyclical one.) People were there and they were yelling at her and saying mean things. She got up and said, "I'm going to go for a walk." Her voice was flat, monotone, and her eyes were...weird. Not exactly glassy...trancelike, maybe. I got up and said, "Oh, do you want some company? I feel like taking a walk too." She just mumbled in reply. I said, "You're not going alone. Remember what happened last time? I'm coming with you." It was an odd dream.
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A funny note: Go check out the latest post on The Caption Machine. It's really funny. And check out Sentimental Hardass. That one is kind of cool too.

Not Even A Nugget

I saw John at the Palace of Rock. I was all the way at the other end of the bar. I hoped he wouldn't see me but he did. Bastard. I ordered my shot of tequila and walked over to him. I should have stayed at my end of the bar. He kept talking about nothing in particular...and by that I mean himself. I don't care enough to know that much about him anymore. He's inept and it embarasses me that I even liked the son of a bitch. What in God's name was I thinking? But as I think of it, as I read my book of random musings from last year, I knew what he was and what would happen. I feel so cheated. Why on earth can't I ever believe my own intuition?
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My friend is getting married. I'm so happy for her. Two of my friends are pregnant. I'm really happy for them. The Ex has a new girlfriend now. I'm happy for him. Why isn't anyone as happy for me when something nice happens to me? I put up with so much jealousy that I don't know what friends are really anymore. I'm not jealous of anyone...I want them to be happy. I wish the best for them. I feel cheated if I think about it so I don't. I'm happy for them regardless of how I've ever been treated.
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Today an old memory sparked its way into my head. I was twelve or thirteen. I liked fruit punch soda and my parents would buy it for me. Little did they know that I was pouring vodka into it, a little at a time. Then I got scared and vowed never to touch liquor until I was twenty-one. I did occasionally have the spiked egg nog at Christmas but it tasted pretty bad so I don't really count that. Even when I was legal, I never went out and drank. That is, until I met John. Fuck you -- I mean, Thank you, John. Bastard. He remarked that to me yesterday...last year around this time, we drank every night for a month and a half. Now I laugh at him. I'm way more well known...and loved...and given free beer to at the bar. I'm the Bar Mouse. It's not just a title; it's a job. (Description: Audience of One.)
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I missed Classic Country. They're going to kill me. (Not really, but it'll be close.)
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On the plus side to all of this, we have bacon AND spinich in the house, so I can make a hot bacon dressing for the spinich. Mmmmm. Tasty.