Yet More Nuggets...
Apparently, I am now "bar family". It's nice to belong to something, but being family with the bar people? That's sooooo The Palace of Rock. But there I was, sitting with the owner, and he called me "family". And I got free shots. Now, I have bartenders who get me stools and ashtrays. Oddly enough, after I told them that I am no longer Mr AssHat's "girlfriend". Now I'm a celebrity. They always knew that I paid for the beer. I'm obnoxious occasionally.
But it still hurts.
"Girlfriend". Why did he have such trouble introuducing me as that? It was obvious to his friends, as well as complete strangers. Was I an embarassment? Did he not like me enough? What the hell? Once, he said, it was because he didn't feel we were boyfriend/girlfriend...because we weren't living together. Um, you can still be dating someone, not live with them, and refer to them as your girlfriend. What? Did he think his chances of getting chicks were worse by telling people that he had a "girlfriend"? God, that so annoyed me. Are we not dating? Or what? What do you think it was that we did? Just a distraction? Me, in quotes? Since he wasn't fucking me as often as I wanted, he wasn't a "fuck buddy" or "booty call". Both tems imply that the nasty is going on, on a regular basis, which it clearly was not. So then what was I? Thanks, I think, for eroding my self-esteem to that of a scone. That, if someone beat him over the head with it, he would concede that we were, at least, dating. Well, I'm so sorry I disappointed you. But you know what? That's why you don't get chicks. There's ownership, which is wrong, and then there's honesty, which isn't. Sorry that your definition of "dating" and "girlfriend" are so out of the norm of things that I couldn't possibly live up to that.
And if you ever try to kiss one of my friends again, I will kill you. It not only embarasses me, it embarasses them, and especially so if they're a lesbian. Maybe you're the Maxim guy who thinks that if you follow the tips, you'll score with a lesbian, and therefore will have more points than the other guys. To actual real women, you will be seen as mysigonist. Which, I really think, you are. The girl who left you because a guy convinced her that she was a vampire because he bit her neck? And that you're mad at him and not her as well? What? Do you honestly think we're all that STUPID?
Go on and search for your cow-like girlfriend. You'll be forty before you find the perfect 18 year old, and she grew up Christian conservitive upon that, thereby giving you full reign for whatever "naughtiness" your feebled mind could come up with.
What the fuck did you think I was? I mean that, and I want an answer. What the fuck did you think I was?
Just because I'm at a bar, and I'm "bar family" doesn't make me a drunkard or easily-taken-advantage-of whore. I've got brains. Those are only for the Zombie overlords, and if you're not anywhere near their calibre, then you treat me like a human being, and I know that you have trouble with that. Becuase unless they're you, no one is human. And then you're no better than the zealots.
What, for the love of god, did you expect?
4 comments:
Well, the question here is also what did YOU expect? Could you see yourself having a family with him? A future? Would you have been willing to go that extra step with him? What would have had to change for that to happen?
I think that while you would have liked to say yes at least at some point in the relationship, your answer is no. So why were you still there? Why did you put up with his pop quizzes and mooching and rude behavior? Because you could talk about politics? I don't know to be honest with you. I told you many times that I didn't get it. But that doesn't mean that I didn't respect the fact that you were in a relationship.
But now you aren't. Consider it a gift that you are rid of him, for whatever reason.
I'm with Carla on this one. Oftentimes I wanted to say something, but god knows how awesome a judge of character I am. That is, to say, not at all. I sorta suck on that front, at least with most of the male species.
You've got such a wonderful heart, such a giving soul. Take for example the guy from last weekend that I spewed on. Never in a hundred years would I have taken him into my car, much less to my house to give him food. Oh, sure, I'd've given him what I had, maybe even come back with groceries (I have done this), but not cast away my natural suspicion placed by society and invited him in as if a friend. You do that sort of thing! It's amazing and inspiring. However, there are people out there, like John, who don't deserve all that you have to give the world, who take and take until there's nothing left for the guys with pregnant wives.
Hopefully this makes an ounce of sense.
Ok, the thing is...there's a difference between "wife" and "girlfriend" and "friend". And every time I was introduced to most of his "very good friends", I was yet another "friend". Mostly, it really had to do if the person was female or not.
When we were just two people talking, and nothing yet, he expressed how he felt "torn" between the "smart, fat woman" and the "thin female type" (phrases in which "smart" and "thin" couldn't occur in the same thought). I pointed out that that wasn't true; some fat women were dumb, some thin women were smart. Also, I told him that if he wasn't interested in me, AND my body, then don't waste my time...he was better off trying to find what he was attracted to. If I wasn't what he wanted, then so be it, but I wanted to know that. He was like, "No, I really, really like you...". Fast forward to years later. What was the thing that made him want to break up with me, other than the PMS of legendary proportions? "Yeah, it's the body thing..."
I don't want to believe my mom that all men are liars and simpletons. I really don't. I would like to think that they are not just simple creatures, and that I can have actual adult conversations with them. But it's shit like this, and no matter how much I stress stuff, that I begin to feel they are simpletons. I never once lied about what I wanted, or what I expected, and if I didn't expect anything, I clearly said so. But for the fact that I said these things...well, I guess it didn't matter, did it? It doesn't matter if I pretend I'm a 'ho, a good girl, a slut, or a human being. What it comes down to is that he didn't take it seriously when I said things, even though I swore up and down that it was serious. As a cautious type, I wanted to know what I was getting into before I got into it, but I didn't have all of the information.
There is one thing about thinking you're one way, and then finding out you're not. It's different if you know what you want, but then tell someone else something different, even though, deep down, you know it's not true. If you know you don't want A, then why try for it? If you don't know whether you want A or B, and are just exploring things, then it's different. But to know you want B, and then tell someone you want A, well, that's slightly misleading, don't you think? And really, he didn't present himself as anything other than that. Not to me, and not in the first stages of things. We had what I thought were long honest talks about things, before there was anything serious between us.
So, yes, I feel burned. What did I expect? Honesty. If you don't want me, don't waste my time and yours, and that's what I said. But my time still got wasted. Even though I said "If you don't find me attractive, then I'm not the one for you. I want someone who finds me attractive. If I'm not attractive to you, oh, well...." I was presented with the fact that he may not find me attractive and my respose was, fine, whatever, I don't care. But then he turned around on that. Suddenly, he wanted me. But then, after we broke up, it was also the fact that he didn't find me desirable, although I had clearly stated how I felt about that, even before anything serious had happened. So now, do I just pretty much assume that any guy who likes me is lying? Do I make men jump through hoops to prove how much they want me? Do I sit and wait for a guy to approach me as an indicator of if he's interested or not? Do I, like the magazines suggest, take down all the photos of relatives and friends, so as not to appear needy to any potential mate?
All I want is plain honesty. And that's all that I ever asked for. And apparently, I can't get that. So what the hell am I to do?
It goes back to the whole trust issue. You trust someone (not blindly of course) unless they do something to break it. It's not all men, it really isn't. Speaking from a lesbian point of view, it's just as hard with women.
I hate AssHat. I disliked him when you were dating but now that I know more of what was going on, I despise him. It's not all of what you have said. I didn't like him in the first place (though I was usually polite). Neither did Erica though he seemed to be personally insulted when she took him of of her IM list and then blamed YOU for it. I can't stand to even look at him when he is out at the same time we are. He is the type of guy that I have very little respect for. And I don't have to, what goes around comes around. I'm not his puppet. Neither are you.
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