More Nuggets

I did not realize, until that last post, just how much I hated Mr AssHat....

I messaged a friend, practically in tears, over how much I really resented him. I know that the last fight we had was over whether he wanted the "cow-like" girlfriend (hat tip to the angry lesbian over that phrase) he wanted. Because he wants adoring, not mindful. Really, he does. The whole way he shies from the truth about his past, plus his insistance at keeping his distance on conversations really leads me to believe that.

Think about it.

He can't contribute to the conversation, so he delves into his physics. The thing is, would it kill him to listen to someone say something that has absolutely no relevance to his life? In other words, he ignores these things because they don't interest him, but at the same time, he laments about how people don't have more discussions about what interests him. I'm willing to pay attention to someone as long as they pay attention to me. And that's not what Mr. AssHat is about, apparently, despite his defense. He just doesn't get it.

He can't possibly concieve that a girfriend might tear him a new one now because in the first few months of them dating, he couldn't be bothered with that sex thing. Had to pay attention to the computer. Not that I didn't walk into it, but I walked into it going, "If you're not interested in me, my body included, then forget about it" and he told me it really didn't matter when apparently it did. Maybe that's why I was blamed for all of the "bad sex" that we had and hearing the lecture on how I wasn't trying hard enough to get off, which was the point of such intimate encounters. Whereas, being a woman of the 21st Century, I knew that sometimes those things just don't happen. I will never forget being yelled at because I was drunk and in a self-pity mood. I will never forget being yelled at in the middle of having sex. I will never forget that he kicked me in the leg for no real good reason, and he never really showed remorse for it. (Somehow, it was "my fault". If I hadn't been waxing philosphic about abilites I may or may not have, he wouldn't have done that. Yeah, and I didn't get a black eye. I'm not that impressed.) What, on God's green earth, is he thinking that none of these things would ever cause the resentment of years to come bubbling to the surface for me to yell to at?

But I'm the drunk and surly one. Apparently he doesn't remember the times where he was way drunker than me and that I had to deal with him and his temper. It came so close to the "Why don't you just commit suicide then?" comments, that I cried myself to sleep so many times. Did he remember it? Oh, no, and of course, because he was the drunk one, it was supposed to be forgiven.

Hate? That barely scratches the surface. Just once, I would like him to read this or any such rambling. Resentment? So much worse than outright hate.

Grow Up. Become a man. That's my only advice for the prideful waste of space he is. What could you possibly be prideful about? You have nothing....