Wow! Don't you know...
It's easier to think about a diet that has you eat six times a day than about the mother who died almost a year ago, who sits in a crystal urn on the mantelpiece so that she can see the TV. Is that what it is? I really think so. Until the note from my aunt, I thought it was because I wanted to be healthy. Not die. Not die of heart problems. For the love of God, I think too much. Raise the pineapple rum in salute. Gone. Away.
I lost 20-25 pounds just on my own, with a few simple changes to my diet. Granted, it took 6-8 months, but that's what happened. And I had butter. And salt. The thing is, I may cook with a bit of butter, but practially no salt whatsoever. And water? I drink a lot of that. So why am I so gung-ho with the diet this week? My mom...mother's day...which leads to...her birthday...which...oh, dear god, the 27th, died then? This year she would've been 61, one year closer to retirement. Lord, I'm not holding up well. But mother's day was interwoven with her birthday, and that, in and of itself, is intertwined with her death. All in ONE FUCKING MONTH. She died as Grandma Serwin died, but there's still a hole in my life. Oh, Mom, I wanted you to be here, to see me move out, and even to make my own meals. Mom, I wish you were here, bringing me stuff, making sure I had enough. God, I miss you. Really, I do. You'd have me over for Sunday dinner, no getting out of it, and of course, we'd watch the food network. I love you. Always have. If I didn't, I wouldn't have told you what I did. Given what I knew, why do I still feel this way. Oh, Lord, it hurts in ways unimaginable.
I want it to stop. But I can't help but feel it.
2 comments:
Ouch. Triple whammy combined with the first year. I can't believe it's almost been a year. I miss her too. I miss her stories. I miss her laugh. I miss the "Well Miss Carla. How are things going? Really? That's FANTASTIC! I'm so proud of you!"
Obviously it's different for me than for you. She was your mother. She was my second mother though and I'll always be grateful for that and remember her.
I'll always remember how she let me stay with you when things were bad. I'll always remember the countless times she invited me to dinner. I'll always remember decorating the christmas tree and cleaning the carpet with that pink goo. I'll always remember her reaction to when I tried to kill myself. "Carla, don't you know how much we LOVE you?!"
Time will ease but it will never heal. We shall make a toast when I come visit next weekend.
"Toast"...?
No, it will all be her. But to tell you the truth, I...ME!...I was the one who suggested TENDERLOIN! on your bday. And so it shall be thus, the tenderloin. Reminiscent of days in which there was way more tenderloin than actual beef. But those were the days when I was the one cooking dinners, something that my bros hadn't gone through, and they know...
She slowed down, but only because I was there, so that she could teach me. They know about it. We had a discussion about it on Evan's bday. But I know the TENDERLOIN! thingy, and hopefully, I can make it my oven, because I don't want other fam memebers to know, otherwise they might demand it too.....
Arg.
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