I Just Can't Win

Open Letter To The Jerk Who Broke Into My Car:

I know that you may be considerably more disadvataged than me. I have a car. You do not. And I say this because if you did have a car in the neighborhood you are in, you would have no need to break into mine. In fact, you would be worrying about people breaking into your car. I'm sure you're wondering why I didn't have much to steal in my car. That would be because everything's ALREADY stolen. Now, I'm thinking that you aren't the same person who broke into my car the first time, but if you are, I would suggest not doing it again. You see, I know people who love and care about me who can find out who you are. If you are one of the several ghetto kids, I will light you on fire. After all, you're pretty adept at lighting things on fire as evidenced by the many hours I spent at the tables on the outside of the coffee shop. You think you're a bad ass?...I'll get Spass to give you a good talking-to. And you know me and him are tight, I know his daddy, and they'll talk to you pretty hard. Oh, and go ahead and steal my car...you can pay for my parking tickets. HA. What did you think you were going to find? CD's? No chance...I learned the last time. Do you think I have anything valuable in my car? No, I don't have anything in my car of value other than a voodoo painting that my friend found in the trash that has less value than the posterboard it's painted on. So you took my roadmap...it's about ten years old, won't get you anywhere. So you took my owner's manual...what good is it going to do you? Plan to steal my car? I hope you can do that in broad daylight. Monday night was just a fluke. Just because my car's there a lot doesn't mean I live in that area, and since most of those reciepts and papers were printed with my address, that doesn't mean I live there anymore. If you can even find where I lived before. Trust me on that one. Is that why you took my roadmap? I'll laugh at you if that is the reason. What bothers me most is why you reclined my seat. Was the parking checker coming around? Did someone disturb you? Maybe that's a sign, then, that you shouldn't break into cars. I could understand if you actually stole something really important, like the title, but really, we didn't have that in the car. But you stole valueless sheets of paper. Just like the dorks who broke in the first time, they stole the $5.00 worth of factory stereo equipment that I had in my car. Blown speakers, cassette stereo, but in the new equipment boxes. Hey, they even managed to get away with the broken, speaker-blown CD/cassette/radio boombox I had. You walked away with the owner manual, four parking tickets, and a history of repairs on my vehicle. I assume that when you sober up, you'll realize that you got diddly-squat. What? Did you think that as a well-off resident of that neighborhood (HA!), I'd have wads of cash laying around in my car? Grow up. Get a job, even if it's crappy. If you're a resposible, mature person, you will do what it takes to make your living honestly. I bet if your momma knew what you were doing, she'd be sorely disappointed in you. I've got bills to pay too. You're not the only one with a hard luck story. How do I know? Because I know many people who have hard luck. Those people don't steal. You did. So now I wish bad for you. In your next life, I hope your hard earned pocessions are damaged and stolen.

And if anyone out there is contemplating a life of crime, just remember this: what you do will catch up with you, in one way or another. Don't tempt fate, it'll bite you back.