I think a lot. It takes up most of my day.

I think about the strange timing of things, the bizarre coincidences that happen, things like that. I know that pretty much it probably doesn't mean anything, but still...my timing is all strange. Twice, now, there have been times where I just went to the bar to have a few drinks, not meet anyone - like I was going to anyway, at that bar! - on a random day on the weekend, and I've met guys.

The thing is, every time I think about how I really do want a relationship, my brain points me to the reality of having a relationship. All those times, the stupid fights, the compromises I'm uncomfortable with, being vulnerable.

I am terrified of commitment. I feel myself cringe at the word "girlfriend" now. It truly is a terrifying concept. Which is so, so hard for me. I want to give my heart to someone, and I'm rather generous with love, but I don't want to be taken advantage of ever. I fear that for myself, and rightly so. My mother was always afraid that would happen to me, and there was a time where I saw it too, and ever since then, I've been very cautious, because I have to be. In that way, the terrorism of childhood that I experienced helps me to be cautious and cynical of other people's motives. My first nature is to be loving, my second nature is to be hopelessly cynical. And yes, I will be cynical to the point of ridiculousness, and will use it as both a defense and a weapon, but in the long run, it is what keeps my heart safe - from disappointments, from heartbreak, from self-pity.

There are a few of us in the world who would gladly give up a loaf of bread and jar of jelly to starving man, because he says he is starving. I am one of those people. I will buy cans of organic soup and organic beans and organic pasta, because why shouldn't a poor person have the same access to food that I do? We all should have healthcare, single payer, because then we're free to move from job to job, go in when we need to, and not worry about how cancer is going to cost us - or even that creak in the knee that we really should get checked out, but don't, because we've got a high deductible.

I used to take solace in going to church, but I don't any more. I can't. It's become too political, too strict, too suffocating. People will go to church and say their magic prayers for money and love and acceptance, but ignore everything else. Those parts of the bible that require you to forgive debt against your brother, to turn the other cheek, to stand up to injustice and inequality, to help the poorest of the brethren of mankind. To realize that you can aspire to be holy, and you'll probably fail here and there, but to forgive yourself for your failure as you forgive others, and continue on to be the best human that you can. This, all of this, I realized at 15. I give my pain and suffering to God, the worst parts of pain and the endless suffering and victimhood, to God, because God can take it. I want it to go. And if it begins anew, I give it to God again, because there's only so much a person can handle. I'm not into God for the moral judgment and slut shaming and superiority, I'm in it because in the worst hour, God was there for me when no one else was. I try not to let those fuckers who want power take my faith from me, but it's hard sometimes. And somewhere along the way, I got disgusted with it.

But this big heart I have, that's full of faith and love, is at odds with things like commitment and obligation, and worst of all, people's perceptions of me. I like to know what people think of me, because it sometimes produces hilarious results. Mr. Asshat, ExFiancee, my mom...everyone else as well. I don't open up a lot, for the reason that people will form wild-ass opinions about me whether I say anything or not. And again, it was interesting having "spies" tell me about what The Terrorists were saying about me. So far, throughout my lifetime, I've gotten:

- I'm total slut who sleeps with anyone.
- I'm a complete psycho.
- I'm extremely pure, sweet and innocent.
- I'm a complete bitch who will beat you up.
- I'm a lesbian.
- I'm totally a judgmental privileged preppy.
- I hate men.
- I'm a total prude.
- I am naive.
- I know everything.

The truth? I'm just a standard person, with faults, failures, successes, and hopes and dreams. In my world - what I truly believe - is that we are all standard people. Sure, we have differences, which makes life enjoyable/interesting or soul sucking/boring, but really, we're interchangeable to each other.

Maybe that's why I don't like the term "girlfriend". That's really putting me into a box that will never fit me. I'm a person, not defined by other people. Influenced, yes, but not defined.

And now I have to go to work. That really sucks.