It would have been great, to have you there, to protect me from being hit on. You know, if I invite you to join me, it's not necessarily a money thing, you can just order soda, having you there would mean the world to me, and stop creepy men from hitting on me.

But you have a thing about that. And on some level I understand, on many others, I do not. It's not the drinking, it's not the paying for you, it's not anything like that. I do not offer what I cannot afford. And if you're not drinking, they'll pretty much give you a soda for free, especially if it's me we're talking about. But still. It would have been nice if you had been there, more so the company than anything else...but I'm not that important, I see. You have a mental thing that you must follow, and it doesn't factor in that maybe I enjoy spending time with you a great deal, and that I want to spend my free time with you. So I have to deal with it, though I don't want to, and your good friend doesn't understand this, because he doesn't understand a lot of things, this being one of them.

I wanted you to be there, drinking or not, just for the sake of having you there. And that hurts, when you're not there for a reason that's totally dumb. It hurts, and I can't help that, but that helps me get over you, this "smittenness" because nothing ever lasts forever, and well, this will be one of those things. But I know that all good things come to an end, as will whatever we have now, and I'm not dumb about it. It's why I don't want to have relationships, why I don't want "boyfriend" and "girlfriend", why I want to be free to do anything I want. Because then I can put up with the bullshit. Like tonight. Really, I don't care at this point.

I truly give up. It doesn't matter anymore, does it? I can say what I want, but it never erases the thousands of years of conditioning by culture. And for that, I'm jumping off of a bridge and cursing the culture. It would drive me to do this.