For the love of God/Godess/Whateverdiety, why in the hell would you do this to your bedroom?!?

Oh, wait, I know! Because you were a fan of this:

A Letter.

Dear Mr. Inconsiderate Elevator Asshole From Monday:

Please enlighten me as to why, when you sneezed, you had to sneeze everywhere. You could have at least covered your mouth and nose when you sneezed, although I do realize that you had Important Things you were carrying and did not want to sneeze on them. Instead, you ended up sneezing dangerously close to me. When we were waiting for the elevators, I could stand very far away from you when you sneezed. Elevator space, however, is a different story. There's only so much room that I could put between me and the trajectory of your sneezes. The problem was only compounded by the fact, that even though there were only two of us on the elevator, you chose to stand near the back and in the middle, thereby fating me to a less than maximum postition with which to avoid your sneezing. You could have at least tucked yourself in a corner so that I did not feel as if you sneezed on me. I did attempt not to breathe on the short trip to my floor, but it was a difficult task that I failed in. Of course, I do understand that when one sneezes, it can be difficult to be on guard to prevent the delivery molecules of a cold from spewing forth onto a fresh new host. However, I would propose that you needn't aid the virus by throwing your whole body into the sneezing movement, thereby catching my eye and making me wonder if you had actually managed to sneeze on me. Bending at the waist is very unusual manuver for public sneezing.

I do hope you realize why I bring this up, but if you're a bit befuddled, I will clarify why. You see, when you sneezed, the fine mist that wafted from your nose was filled with germs that seek out a new body to propagate in - and those germs found solace in my body. In addition, to be helpful, I will point out that they do sell pocket-sized tissues at various outlets, some of which are very conveniently located near our place of employment, that cater to individuals who are suffering a wide variety of minor aliments such as yours. They even offer a vast array of numerous concoctions that would ease the symptoms of the common cold! Please keep this in mind the next time you are sneezing and plan to be in a very small and confined space with the non-sneezing public. We would take note of your valiant efforts to spare us the suffering that you are experiencing and may even congratulate you on your thoughtfulness and foresight during your illness.

Sincerely,
The Woman Who Wasn't Sure If You Sneezed On Her

ARG

MySpace sucks. All I did was try to log in, once, and well, my account was frozen because of the supposed multiple failed login requests. Fuck that.

To A Mother I Know.

How sad to know
that the little bundle of joy inside
will never know your touch
or what life is like outside.
We hardly knew her,
but we already loved her.
She already, not yet born,
was a princess among the princes -
a joy highly anticipated by your sons.
So we mourn and weep with you,
tears shed for a cruel fate dealt
to the most deserving of mothers.
And as dusk draws near for
an ever-wanted child,
the prayerful will still pray
for your health and your safety.
Rest, weary Mother, and shed your tears,
for we know that silence is not always golden,
and in the quiet moments one hears,
the lost laughter of a little girl
not yet born.

Christmas Dreams

I dream of Christmas Past,
in all its frustating glory -
the tree to be trimmed
the presents to be wrapped
the cookies to be baked
the food to be cooked
the house to be cleaned
the mantle to be decorated.
I dream of these things in swirls,
the busyness and frantic pace
of a household with Christmas
and a silver disco ball.
I dream the dreams of a child,
of pink ponies and gift wrap,
and the serene moments of joy.
I dream of the snow and the cold
and of hot chocolate by the fire.
I dream of the food and festivites,
loud, cacaphenous laughter billowing
throughout the house.
I dream of perfectly placed ornaments
and of perfectly wrapped presents
perfectly placed 'neath the tree.
I dream of lucious cookies
coated with sugar and comfort,
baked frenzied and with uncertainty.
But most of all, of which I dream,
the hardest lesson now learned,
is that you are there to hug,
to talk to in a quiet moment,
even if you were my annoying mother.

The Baby Jesus Wails

Santa: First Strike!

COMING THIS CHRISTMAS:  It's been a long, hard summer as the elves toil mercilessly under the benevolent fist of Old Man Santa.  As winter sets in, so do the looming 20 hour days and cold, harsh air.  The underlying hostility of years past takes a stunning and dramatic turn this year when Santa begins to outsource his more lucrative jobs in order to fill some dubious "nice" orders.  The elves grow increasingly agitated and talk of unionizing permiates the workshop.  Santa, on the other hand, has some ideas of his own....

You don't want to miss this action-packed movie from the North Pole!!  Starring Jack Nicholson as Santa, Samuel L. Jackson as Inspector Elf #39, and Danny Devito as Eddie Elf, Julianna Moore as Mrs. Claus, with appearances by Christopher Walken, Robin Williams, and Conan O'Brien.

(I must say, God Bless Texas.  And I really don't want to know if you can buy that here in Wisconsin.)

Dear Airport Voice,

If you don't want me to make inappropriate jokes, don't remind me that I shouldn't make them every ten minutes. Do you know why? Because five immediately pop into my head when you do that.

Also, we don't need to hear that the nondenominational chapel in the airport is open 24-7, or at least not like it's an important announcement. (Ah, Texas!)

Thanks,
Your Friendly Airtraveler