What Kind of Relationship is Right For You?
Monday, September 30, 2002
Nothing New
So the alter egos emerge. Hehehehe. I'm just sure that I could have a blog for each one. Hehehehe. Well, except for the alter egos labeled "Bar Personalities". Those are strictly for the bar. I wouldn't dare try it anywhere else. That's the underground personalities to do things like get beer from unsuspecting dolts who only think they're gonna get laid, getting guys drunk so that I can bat my eyes at them and get laid, and, of course, the infamous Bar Mouse, replaced by the Big Bad Bar Mouse if I decide to kick people out of the bar. And then people tell me that they're worried about me. I look at it as a game that requires skill and lots of booze. Like playing "Mindtrap" and taking a shot for each correct answer. The difference is that I get laid. My strategies haven't always worked and they don't work for everyone. I like to have sex. A lot. Like, if I could have it every day, I would. Sometimes that means bellying up to guys at the bar.
Except that I'm running into a problem. There's only one person right now that I, uh, would want to, uh, do that every day with. And I really don't want to try batting my eyes at any other guy. In fact, I don't feel like doing that because of that one person I'd rather spend oodles of time with. If it's not him, then it's no one. But that's just the way I am...I prefer intense personal relationships over half-assed "friendships". Friends with benefits? Ha! Only if it's health and dental insurance. And if the "L" word's involved, there's more to it than friends with benefits. And before I dig my hole deeper, I'll think I'll get off my soapbox.
You know, sometimes I wish for things in my head but I lack the ability to say anything about it. And then it ends up here on my blog. I hate being a writer...it's definately a real-life liability.
So the alter egos emerge. Hehehehe. I'm just sure that I could have a blog for each one. Hehehehe. Well, except for the alter egos labeled "Bar Personalities". Those are strictly for the bar. I wouldn't dare try it anywhere else. That's the underground personalities to do things like get beer from unsuspecting dolts who only think they're gonna get laid, getting guys drunk so that I can bat my eyes at them and get laid, and, of course, the infamous Bar Mouse, replaced by the Big Bad Bar Mouse if I decide to kick people out of the bar. And then people tell me that they're worried about me. I look at it as a game that requires skill and lots of booze. Like playing "Mindtrap" and taking a shot for each correct answer. The difference is that I get laid. My strategies haven't always worked and they don't work for everyone. I like to have sex. A lot. Like, if I could have it every day, I would. Sometimes that means bellying up to guys at the bar.
Except that I'm running into a problem. There's only one person right now that I, uh, would want to, uh, do that every day with. And I really don't want to try batting my eyes at any other guy. In fact, I don't feel like doing that because of that one person I'd rather spend oodles of time with. If it's not him, then it's no one. But that's just the way I am...I prefer intense personal relationships over half-assed "friendships". Friends with benefits? Ha! Only if it's health and dental insurance. And if the "L" word's involved, there's more to it than friends with benefits. And before I dig my hole deeper, I'll think I'll get off my soapbox.
You know, sometimes I wish for things in my head but I lack the ability to say anything about it. And then it ends up here on my blog. I hate being a writer...it's definately a real-life liability.
Saturday, September 28, 2002
Sorry about that last post. I did have a point but then the poetic creature took over. Not that I mind her or anything, but she can pop up at the worst moments. Besides, the point I was going to make was pretty dull anyway. I think everyone needs a poetic muse to liven up their day. I just have to make sure she knows her blog is Crazy Girl In Crazy World. Sometimes she gets a little confused about those things. Hell, even I get a little confused about those things. And once you let her out of the cage, it's really hard to put her back in. I have to stop writing rhymes in my blog...that's when she pops up out of nowhere and asks in an ever so sweet-but-demanding tone, "Are you writing poetry? Can I write some?" (Imagine the sweetest puppy dog look you can. How can I resist?)
I hate having alter egos. They get in the way sometimes.
I hate having alter egos. They get in the way sometimes.
Friday, September 27, 2002
Passages of Time
The yesteryear, the year before, and nothing seems to have changed but it all has. How is it that life turns in circles yet it seems that the circle is slightly off the center that it was on before? A year of this, a year of that, a year of such joy and heartache it all comes to an end. Life is a game, a game of chance, a game of skill, but mostly it's never played in such a way. If I make move A, how can I be so sure that move B will present itself? I loved you John for what you wanted to be to me yet I hated you because I knew it was all false. So many other warm bodies but no caring and what is wrong with the independant woman who seeks such warmth in dead of night at the bar? Society is wrong, we are who we are, imperfect and realisitc. I didn't want to care, I still don't want to, but it's hard when a man grabs your heart in the way that is most to your liking. He thinks he's evil but you know that it's not because you know what evil is and he does not have the heart to do it. Or maybe he does and he just hasn't yet. But evil of that sort is different because they're perfect, living in their perfect world entitles them to whatever they want, they notice not -- or maybe they do -- the wishes of those who they're intimate with. That is the evil, true evil that lives. But sweet evil is better because he can care. His evil is not so evil but is the evil of those who are intelligent enough and also keep their emotions. There are no regrets with the change of this sun and there are no harsh feelings anymore. These are replaced with bitter resignation even more so now than they ever were for the creature that lurks within begins to emerge from its hiding place knowing now what it must do to free the soul it once claimed. Oh, and this creature is beautifully ugly, with pale blue skin, dark-circled eyes, and black lips. Her sneer bradishes teeth covered in blood and her skeleton-like hands grip your throat. She does not want to kill you but she does want to get into your head. It is this creature that feels the pain and the joy of a thousand souls. This creature will lie and tell you she is not smart. This creature will use whatever power she had to convince you of all that she is not. Her costume is the skin of well-mannered young lady, elfish and shy with a sweet nature. Beware of this creature for she will sap you of your soul until there is nothing left to hold. But in the meantime, she smiles at her latest victim and licks her lips in anticipation....
The yesteryear, the year before, and nothing seems to have changed but it all has. How is it that life turns in circles yet it seems that the circle is slightly off the center that it was on before? A year of this, a year of that, a year of such joy and heartache it all comes to an end. Life is a game, a game of chance, a game of skill, but mostly it's never played in such a way. If I make move A, how can I be so sure that move B will present itself? I loved you John for what you wanted to be to me yet I hated you because I knew it was all false. So many other warm bodies but no caring and what is wrong with the independant woman who seeks such warmth in dead of night at the bar? Society is wrong, we are who we are, imperfect and realisitc. I didn't want to care, I still don't want to, but it's hard when a man grabs your heart in the way that is most to your liking. He thinks he's evil but you know that it's not because you know what evil is and he does not have the heart to do it. Or maybe he does and he just hasn't yet. But evil of that sort is different because they're perfect, living in their perfect world entitles them to whatever they want, they notice not -- or maybe they do -- the wishes of those who they're intimate with. That is the evil, true evil that lives. But sweet evil is better because he can care. His evil is not so evil but is the evil of those who are intelligent enough and also keep their emotions. There are no regrets with the change of this sun and there are no harsh feelings anymore. These are replaced with bitter resignation even more so now than they ever were for the creature that lurks within begins to emerge from its hiding place knowing now what it must do to free the soul it once claimed. Oh, and this creature is beautifully ugly, with pale blue skin, dark-circled eyes, and black lips. Her sneer bradishes teeth covered in blood and her skeleton-like hands grip your throat. She does not want to kill you but she does want to get into your head. It is this creature that feels the pain and the joy of a thousand souls. This creature will lie and tell you she is not smart. This creature will use whatever power she had to convince you of all that she is not. Her costume is the skin of well-mannered young lady, elfish and shy with a sweet nature. Beware of this creature for she will sap you of your soul until there is nothing left to hold. But in the meantime, she smiles at her latest victim and licks her lips in anticipation....
Sunday, September 22, 2002
Random Musings
My horoscope from Astrocenter.com:
Both the Sun and Mercury are now in Libra, and inhabiting the section of your chart associated with spirituality and mysticism. This is the time of the year when aspects of your life and your activities seem to wind down, ready for the start of a new cycle, when the Sun moves into your own sign. You might find that it is your inner processes that seem to hold your attention, more than your outer activities. This week, whilst Mercury is retrograde, you have a rare chance for real reflection and for discovering the inner causes for any major ongoing problems that might have bugged you for some time. You also have a chance to discover what you really feel about your life and what areas of it you might like to change. Although you might not make as much progress as you would like, when it come to administrative matters or necessary letters and phone calls, you will be able to go a long way in terms of your inner growth. Love is made more spectacular by the presence of Venus in your sign, which promises some great dates, especially as it makes a square to Jupiter. This is one time when you can really cut loose and enjoy a truly romantic and passionate few days.
Fall is always the time of year that I feel change. Of course, my birthday's in the fall. Seriously, though, it's the coldish/cold weather that makes me feel alive. Forget the sweltering summer. I love the chilly weather. I love the night in the fall. It seems so much creepier, so much more like night. "Here's to the night/no sunlight/the moonlight in the dark..." (One of my poems...hehehehe.) It makes me want to cast out the demons and run through the empty streets screaming and crying in utter unrelenting joy until I run out of breath and collapse happily tired on the pavement of my city...any city, for I love the cold concrete of the urban wasteland. I feel more poetic in the fall...and the solution to all of my problems lays just a beer and a poem away. Fall is the time when I write more poetry than any other time. Winter is when I revise them, over long periods of time and hot coffee. Winter is for longer projects. Forget New Year's resolutions; my resolutions are made in the fall. Leaves rustling, cold rain, warm coffee, down comforters...there's nothing like cold weather to bring comfort to a hot-blooded soul. This time is always the time of change for me. Sometimes it feels like I put on a different personality for awhile. Maybe it's the real me; maybe it's the person I want to become. At any rate, it's a change, and the changes that are made are lasting. I love the fall...only in the cold rain of fall do I feel the rain washing away all that was wrong with me...and I find the redemption that I long for.
My horoscope from Astrocenter.com:
Both the Sun and Mercury are now in Libra, and inhabiting the section of your chart associated with spirituality and mysticism. This is the time of the year when aspects of your life and your activities seem to wind down, ready for the start of a new cycle, when the Sun moves into your own sign. You might find that it is your inner processes that seem to hold your attention, more than your outer activities. This week, whilst Mercury is retrograde, you have a rare chance for real reflection and for discovering the inner causes for any major ongoing problems that might have bugged you for some time. You also have a chance to discover what you really feel about your life and what areas of it you might like to change. Although you might not make as much progress as you would like, when it come to administrative matters or necessary letters and phone calls, you will be able to go a long way in terms of your inner growth. Love is made more spectacular by the presence of Venus in your sign, which promises some great dates, especially as it makes a square to Jupiter. This is one time when you can really cut loose and enjoy a truly romantic and passionate few days.
Fall is always the time of year that I feel change. Of course, my birthday's in the fall. Seriously, though, it's the coldish/cold weather that makes me feel alive. Forget the sweltering summer. I love the chilly weather. I love the night in the fall. It seems so much creepier, so much more like night. "Here's to the night/no sunlight/the moonlight in the dark..." (One of my poems...hehehehe.) It makes me want to cast out the demons and run through the empty streets screaming and crying in utter unrelenting joy until I run out of breath and collapse happily tired on the pavement of my city...any city, for I love the cold concrete of the urban wasteland. I feel more poetic in the fall...and the solution to all of my problems lays just a beer and a poem away. Fall is the time when I write more poetry than any other time. Winter is when I revise them, over long periods of time and hot coffee. Winter is for longer projects. Forget New Year's resolutions; my resolutions are made in the fall. Leaves rustling, cold rain, warm coffee, down comforters...there's nothing like cold weather to bring comfort to a hot-blooded soul. This time is always the time of change for me. Sometimes it feels like I put on a different personality for awhile. Maybe it's the real me; maybe it's the person I want to become. At any rate, it's a change, and the changes that are made are lasting. I love the fall...only in the cold rain of fall do I feel the rain washing away all that was wrong with me...and I find the redemption that I long for.
Saturday, September 21, 2002
And It Continues...
More drama. This is evil stuff. People harassing other people...I'm afraid that someone's going to get violent. Shades of before...things that have happened to other friends. I speak from experience and knowledge. This is horrible, and thing of it is, I wish they'd all go away so that I could sit in my coffee shop and read and write and drink coffee in peace. They don't understand that they're just as annoying as the person they're harassing. They don't understand that they have no right to tell anyone what to do/where to go...because if they think that, then apparently the same thing does not apply to them, that they're allowed to go and do whatever they want while telling other people what to do/where to go. I've got a suggestion for them: HELL! They can go there and sit 'n' spin on a flame for all I care. I never considered them my friends. I never really liked them to begin with. I wanted them gone the minute that I realized that they're foolish and stupid. Their very presence, at the very least, irked me. At worst, I wanted them gone. But no, I didn't harass them. You see...they're the popular people. I can't do that to them. But they can very well do it to someone else...and I don't want to wait around for my turn. I really don't. And no, I don't want to be friends with those kind of people because they may be sweet and innocent, but one day they turn on you and not only are you left wondering why they did it, you're also left no friends because no one will take your side. Forget that. I'm above such idiocy. I'm above them...I live in my own reality that is much easier to deal with...judgement lays in the hands of God. While there may be evil Christians out there, I'm not one of them, and I'm glad for my faith. There's a lot of things I really don't have to worry about that other people apparently do. I've left my mind for other imaginative things. Forget them. The only problem is that now I can't go to my coffee shop when I really want to. I have to go during the day now. Oh well...I've done that before....
More drama. This is evil stuff. People harassing other people...I'm afraid that someone's going to get violent. Shades of before...things that have happened to other friends. I speak from experience and knowledge. This is horrible, and thing of it is, I wish they'd all go away so that I could sit in my coffee shop and read and write and drink coffee in peace. They don't understand that they're just as annoying as the person they're harassing. They don't understand that they have no right to tell anyone what to do/where to go...because if they think that, then apparently the same thing does not apply to them, that they're allowed to go and do whatever they want while telling other people what to do/where to go. I've got a suggestion for them: HELL! They can go there and sit 'n' spin on a flame for all I care. I never considered them my friends. I never really liked them to begin with. I wanted them gone the minute that I realized that they're foolish and stupid. Their very presence, at the very least, irked me. At worst, I wanted them gone. But no, I didn't harass them. You see...they're the popular people. I can't do that to them. But they can very well do it to someone else...and I don't want to wait around for my turn. I really don't. And no, I don't want to be friends with those kind of people because they may be sweet and innocent, but one day they turn on you and not only are you left wondering why they did it, you're also left no friends because no one will take your side. Forget that. I'm above such idiocy. I'm above them...I live in my own reality that is much easier to deal with...judgement lays in the hands of God. While there may be evil Christians out there, I'm not one of them, and I'm glad for my faith. There's a lot of things I really don't have to worry about that other people apparently do. I've left my mind for other imaginative things. Forget them. The only problem is that now I can't go to my coffee shop when I really want to. I have to go during the day now. Oh well...I've done that before....
Monday, September 16, 2002
Ordinary
For the past two days when I've walked into my coffee shop, I've been bombarded by soooo much drama that I think I'm going to make a tent of folders and yell, "LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!" to anyone who comes within spitting distance (7 feet, in case you want to know) of me. I am hanging around a bunch of adults who act like twelve year olds and it's really annoying. I mean, I may act like that on occasion, but it's always for silliness and not when it comes to serious things. So now I'm going to make a serious effort not to snap on anyone and at least try not to talk to anyone. Grr. People. Why do they always have to ruin my fun?
For the past two days when I've walked into my coffee shop, I've been bombarded by soooo much drama that I think I'm going to make a tent of folders and yell, "LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!" to anyone who comes within spitting distance (7 feet, in case you want to know) of me. I am hanging around a bunch of adults who act like twelve year olds and it's really annoying. I mean, I may act like that on occasion, but it's always for silliness and not when it comes to serious things. So now I'm going to make a serious effort not to snap on anyone and at least try not to talk to anyone. Grr. People. Why do they always have to ruin my fun?
Saturday, September 14, 2002
The Eleventh
Oh beautiful for spacious skies over NYC, over Manhattan. The train rolled up to our final stop: World Trade Center. The underground mall was interesting but like a thousand other malls anywhere else. Just another collection of shops. We practically raced to the ticket line so that we could get tickets to the observation deck. Waiting in line...I looked out at the street. Busy. Full of people. One couldn't help remembering the bombing in the parking garage. "So what got destroyed?" I asked and my guide told me of the aftermath. "People moved out...some of the local networks broadcast from the other tower and when the bomb went off, several stations were blacked out." Chitchat as we waited, as we came upon the "metal detectors". "You know," I said nervously, "those don't look very well made. They look like they're from Radio Shack." That elicited a chuckle. "I don't feel very secure," I remarked with particular uneasiness. "Someone could be hiding a bomb on their person, or in their camera. Look at that person over there...they have a ton of camera equipment, and all they're doing is just looking in. They're not really searching anything." "Yeah," my guide agreed. "I feel the same way." And suddenly, I felt claustraphobic. What if a bomb went off? We'd die. Please dear God, I said in my head, don't let anything happen today. I have this feeling that something bad's gonna happen. Please let it not be today. If it has to happen, let it be tomorrow. Or, at the very least, not while I'm here in the building. And away we went to the top floor. A thousand and one pictures. Of me. Of my guide. Of NYC. There was a restaurant there. "This is better than the Sears Tower," I said. "A bit more classy. The last time we went there, it looked a bit ghetto." My guide chuckled. "Yeah," he said. "It was pretty bad. This definately is better than that. Let's go to the roof." And I looked at him in amazment: "You can go on the roof?" I asked in awe. "Sure," he replied. And one escalator ride later, we were out in the open air. It took my breath away. Miles and miles of New York lay before us. The Statue of Liberty was the size of an ant. "Look how small it is!" I said. "Where is your house from here?" I jokingly asked. "Over that way," my guide said. And then: "Wow...look at those planes. They're flying lower than where we are." That fear again. What if one of them crashed into the tower we were standing on? Stop that, I told myself, you don't have to imagine all of this doom and gloom. But I was uneasy when I looked out at midtown Manhattan: "Wow. These buildings are pretty unprotected. I mean, look at all the other buildings...there really isn't any other tall building in this area. Wow." But then there were the boats on the water, the guy trying to speak English and talk with us (Him: "My English is not so good...." Us: "Well, you're doing a pretty good job...."), the wonder of being up so high. It was beautiful. It was majestic. "This is the perfect place to bring me," I told my guide. "Remember when you said, 'I want you to take me to somewhere in New York that you wanted to take the person that you loved and would spend the rest of your life with'?" he asked. "Yeah," I replied. "This is it," he said. And we kissed and looked out over the city for awhile, not saying a word but saying everything. "We should go soon," I said. "But I don't want to leave. I want to stay up here forever and watch the sunset and the lights go on in the city." With regret, we left shortly after. We were hungry. We were tired. It would always be there, to be seen another year. We hung out on the square. There was a jazz concert. We watched a pigeon hobbling along ("Fat-ass bird," I remarked to it and proceeded to chase it). I took a picture of the building while standing right next to it, looking straight up...for a friend, who has a fear of very large things. The sheer enormity of the buildings would have freaked her out. All of the souvenirs that I purchased for myself, friends, and family came from the kiosk right in front of the World Trade Center. With reluctance, we moved on, going home for dinner, onto other sites to see.
Less than a month later, they were gone. Planes rammed into them. Collapsed. I stood in front of the TV, crying and yelling, "WHY DIDN'T THEY KNOW?" As a taxpayer, I want our government to spend money where it is needed. It was no secret that our intelligence was horrible...and underpaid. Field agents? I don't give a damn how much it is, if that's what's needed, then dammit, they should pay for them. Forget about a missle defense system...what good is it going to do with a bunch of guys and some planes? War in Iraq? Saddam isn't going to live forever. And whatever weapons he can build wouldn't cause so much as a scratch on us. We only have to keep an eye on him...he's not going to attack us. We don't really have to worry about him. But this is what happens when the war and fear mongerers spew their bile to Americans and we Americans lap it up. This is what happens when we are complacent. This is what happens when we ignore the world and the dangers that lurk within it. This is what happens when we think we're still the policemen of the world and the world has drastically changed. This is what happens when Americans don't demand sound foreign policy from their leaders...when the focus is on personality and sex and everything else...when we just don't care about those people over there. Yeah, well, those people have enough money and clout to gather a few operatives together to crash planes into buildings. Those people are fighting over water rights, human rights, the right not to be oppressed. After Regan, no one really knew what to do. The Elder Bush had it easy...he had a war. Clinton was very inconsistent in his foreign policy, especially when it came to international conflict. And King George? I think they were wrong when they applied the Wag the Dog concept to Clinton. I think it applies more to Dub the Shrub. Clinton had to do something in the Baltics (even though it wasn't enough and too little too late). But now the Shrub is trying to create support for a war he wants to wage even though there's no damn good reason to do it. (Election stealing? Enron? Administration's ties -- neck deep, by the way -- to Enron? I smell a scandal....) In fact, that concept applies to the Elder Bush...remember the propaganda of the Gulf War? The war was over before anyone realized that it wasn't true. And we had been leaning into a serious recession. Give it some thought. And then we can't imagine that the world dislikes us? We're not paying enough attention where we need to...we're not helping the people we need to...we're not waking up to the fact that we're in a different world now and that we have to come up with a better plan of action. This is what happens when we don't care. I care. I want you to care. In fact, I not only want you to care, but I want you to be as informed as I am and care very deeply about what is going on. Why would I want that?
Because the one special place that the love of his life had asked him to take her to as a surprise is now nothing but a gigantic pile of rubble and bones, forever lost in the skyline of Manhattan, to exist only in pictures and memories.
A symbol of love, in ruins. Maybe it was foreshadowing. Maybe it was coincidence. But just the same, it hurts.
I loved the World Trade Center. I loved him. And he knew me -- and himself -- so well that that had been the perfect spot.
He can't even go back there with his new love and share that experience with her. It was wasted on me. I can't go back and remember that time and have it be over. I can't go back and feel the cool air and the quiet of being up that high. And for what? Oil? Greed? I am utterly and completely pissed now. Before I was just cynical. Now I'm really angry. How many more buildings, how many more lives, will be destroyed before this nightmare is over? Why don't we stop calling for blood and call for viable and sensible solutions instead? We should take action...but that doesn't always mean war. Now is the time to demand that our leaders grow up...and that we, as a nation, grow up. The world around us has changed. Now's the time to start acting like it.
Oh beautiful for spacious skies over NYC, over Manhattan. The train rolled up to our final stop: World Trade Center. The underground mall was interesting but like a thousand other malls anywhere else. Just another collection of shops. We practically raced to the ticket line so that we could get tickets to the observation deck. Waiting in line...I looked out at the street. Busy. Full of people. One couldn't help remembering the bombing in the parking garage. "So what got destroyed?" I asked and my guide told me of the aftermath. "People moved out...some of the local networks broadcast from the other tower and when the bomb went off, several stations were blacked out." Chitchat as we waited, as we came upon the "metal detectors". "You know," I said nervously, "those don't look very well made. They look like they're from Radio Shack." That elicited a chuckle. "I don't feel very secure," I remarked with particular uneasiness. "Someone could be hiding a bomb on their person, or in their camera. Look at that person over there...they have a ton of camera equipment, and all they're doing is just looking in. They're not really searching anything." "Yeah," my guide agreed. "I feel the same way." And suddenly, I felt claustraphobic. What if a bomb went off? We'd die. Please dear God, I said in my head, don't let anything happen today. I have this feeling that something bad's gonna happen. Please let it not be today. If it has to happen, let it be tomorrow. Or, at the very least, not while I'm here in the building. And away we went to the top floor. A thousand and one pictures. Of me. Of my guide. Of NYC. There was a restaurant there. "This is better than the Sears Tower," I said. "A bit more classy. The last time we went there, it looked a bit ghetto." My guide chuckled. "Yeah," he said. "It was pretty bad. This definately is better than that. Let's go to the roof." And I looked at him in amazment: "You can go on the roof?" I asked in awe. "Sure," he replied. And one escalator ride later, we were out in the open air. It took my breath away. Miles and miles of New York lay before us. The Statue of Liberty was the size of an ant. "Look how small it is!" I said. "Where is your house from here?" I jokingly asked. "Over that way," my guide said. And then: "Wow...look at those planes. They're flying lower than where we are." That fear again. What if one of them crashed into the tower we were standing on? Stop that, I told myself, you don't have to imagine all of this doom and gloom. But I was uneasy when I looked out at midtown Manhattan: "Wow. These buildings are pretty unprotected. I mean, look at all the other buildings...there really isn't any other tall building in this area. Wow." But then there were the boats on the water, the guy trying to speak English and talk with us (Him: "My English is not so good...." Us: "Well, you're doing a pretty good job...."), the wonder of being up so high. It was beautiful. It was majestic. "This is the perfect place to bring me," I told my guide. "Remember when you said, 'I want you to take me to somewhere in New York that you wanted to take the person that you loved and would spend the rest of your life with'?" he asked. "Yeah," I replied. "This is it," he said. And we kissed and looked out over the city for awhile, not saying a word but saying everything. "We should go soon," I said. "But I don't want to leave. I want to stay up here forever and watch the sunset and the lights go on in the city." With regret, we left shortly after. We were hungry. We were tired. It would always be there, to be seen another year. We hung out on the square. There was a jazz concert. We watched a pigeon hobbling along ("Fat-ass bird," I remarked to it and proceeded to chase it). I took a picture of the building while standing right next to it, looking straight up...for a friend, who has a fear of very large things. The sheer enormity of the buildings would have freaked her out. All of the souvenirs that I purchased for myself, friends, and family came from the kiosk right in front of the World Trade Center. With reluctance, we moved on, going home for dinner, onto other sites to see.
Less than a month later, they were gone. Planes rammed into them. Collapsed. I stood in front of the TV, crying and yelling, "WHY DIDN'T THEY KNOW?" As a taxpayer, I want our government to spend money where it is needed. It was no secret that our intelligence was horrible...and underpaid. Field agents? I don't give a damn how much it is, if that's what's needed, then dammit, they should pay for them. Forget about a missle defense system...what good is it going to do with a bunch of guys and some planes? War in Iraq? Saddam isn't going to live forever. And whatever weapons he can build wouldn't cause so much as a scratch on us. We only have to keep an eye on him...he's not going to attack us. We don't really have to worry about him. But this is what happens when the war and fear mongerers spew their bile to Americans and we Americans lap it up. This is what happens when we are complacent. This is what happens when we ignore the world and the dangers that lurk within it. This is what happens when we think we're still the policemen of the world and the world has drastically changed. This is what happens when Americans don't demand sound foreign policy from their leaders...when the focus is on personality and sex and everything else...when we just don't care about those people over there. Yeah, well, those people have enough money and clout to gather a few operatives together to crash planes into buildings. Those people are fighting over water rights, human rights, the right not to be oppressed. After Regan, no one really knew what to do. The Elder Bush had it easy...he had a war. Clinton was very inconsistent in his foreign policy, especially when it came to international conflict. And King George? I think they were wrong when they applied the Wag the Dog concept to Clinton. I think it applies more to Dub the Shrub. Clinton had to do something in the Baltics (even though it wasn't enough and too little too late). But now the Shrub is trying to create support for a war he wants to wage even though there's no damn good reason to do it. (Election stealing? Enron? Administration's ties -- neck deep, by the way -- to Enron? I smell a scandal....) In fact, that concept applies to the Elder Bush...remember the propaganda of the Gulf War? The war was over before anyone realized that it wasn't true. And we had been leaning into a serious recession. Give it some thought. And then we can't imagine that the world dislikes us? We're not paying enough attention where we need to...we're not helping the people we need to...we're not waking up to the fact that we're in a different world now and that we have to come up with a better plan of action. This is what happens when we don't care. I care. I want you to care. In fact, I not only want you to care, but I want you to be as informed as I am and care very deeply about what is going on. Why would I want that?
Because the one special place that the love of his life had asked him to take her to as a surprise is now nothing but a gigantic pile of rubble and bones, forever lost in the skyline of Manhattan, to exist only in pictures and memories.
A symbol of love, in ruins. Maybe it was foreshadowing. Maybe it was coincidence. But just the same, it hurts.
I loved the World Trade Center. I loved him. And he knew me -- and himself -- so well that that had been the perfect spot.
He can't even go back there with his new love and share that experience with her. It was wasted on me. I can't go back and remember that time and have it be over. I can't go back and feel the cool air and the quiet of being up that high. And for what? Oil? Greed? I am utterly and completely pissed now. Before I was just cynical. Now I'm really angry. How many more buildings, how many more lives, will be destroyed before this nightmare is over? Why don't we stop calling for blood and call for viable and sensible solutions instead? We should take action...but that doesn't always mean war. Now is the time to demand that our leaders grow up...and that we, as a nation, grow up. The world around us has changed. Now's the time to start acting like it.
Sunday, September 08, 2002
Just Another Nugget
My horoscope from Astrocenter.com:
Mercury will move into its retrograde phase by the end of the week, so make the most of the early part to get important documents, vital administrative tasks and urgent contracts out of the way. Once this planet has changed direction you can expect delays in association with letters, email, phone calls, computers, cars and other office machinery. But the other point that you need to know about is that because it is retrograde in Libra, people will also find it a lot more difficult to make up their minds and to stick to any decisions they have already made. So expect to find yourself in frustrating circumstances at times, due to others being uncertain of what they really want. Your finances are set to improve, largely due to the improvement in your public profile. This is certainly having a beneficial effect. Venus, your planet of love has moved into your sign, so you are even more magnetically attractive than normal. You ooze charisma and can twist the most unpersuasive of people around your little finger. Make good use of this space of time. You could be the catalyst in an interesting development at work that involves an expansive new move - go with your gut instinct on this one.
Frustrated? I always am. By work? You bet. Office machinery taking revenge? I know that the one fax machine has it in for me. It would be no surprise. Mangnetically attractive? Only if I spouted horns and wings and my skin paled to a nice shade of blue. But then again, that's how I'm feeling lately...ugliness is the most attractive. Oh well. Hopefully it'll get me beer....
My horoscope from Astrocenter.com:
Mercury will move into its retrograde phase by the end of the week, so make the most of the early part to get important documents, vital administrative tasks and urgent contracts out of the way. Once this planet has changed direction you can expect delays in association with letters, email, phone calls, computers, cars and other office machinery. But the other point that you need to know about is that because it is retrograde in Libra, people will also find it a lot more difficult to make up their minds and to stick to any decisions they have already made. So expect to find yourself in frustrating circumstances at times, due to others being uncertain of what they really want. Your finances are set to improve, largely due to the improvement in your public profile. This is certainly having a beneficial effect. Venus, your planet of love has moved into your sign, so you are even more magnetically attractive than normal. You ooze charisma and can twist the most unpersuasive of people around your little finger. Make good use of this space of time. You could be the catalyst in an interesting development at work that involves an expansive new move - go with your gut instinct on this one.
Frustrated? I always am. By work? You bet. Office machinery taking revenge? I know that the one fax machine has it in for me. It would be no surprise. Mangnetically attractive? Only if I spouted horns and wings and my skin paled to a nice shade of blue. But then again, that's how I'm feeling lately...ugliness is the most attractive. Oh well. Hopefully it'll get me beer....
Friday, September 06, 2002
Excuses...I Mean, Reasons
"Well, I'm looking for a roommate. You could move in with me."
"How much is rent?"
(And he gives a figure that I can't very well afford.)
"Well, I only make [paltry amount here]. It's not bad, but I don't think I could."
"Oh."
"Besides, I've got lots of stuff. It won't all fit in that little room."
"I thinking of getting a new couch anyway...."
[Later in coversation]
"I would have to say no."
"Oh? Why?"
"I don't want to explain. I just wouldn't be able to. I have my reasons." One: clutter. Two: space. I need lots of it. Three: Moving in with him, even if it's just to help him temporarily with rent, even if it would only be a month or two, smacks a bit of commitment to me, given the way I feel about him. I am afraid of commitment. I will only go so far. Hell, I nearly got married. I know it's not a commitment (we're not even dating), but still, that idea is too weird for me. But on the other hand, it wouldn't be that bad. I wouldn't be afraid of anyone stealing anything from me. I would be able to drink on the fire escape and watch the sunset. I could start my nomadic ways now, live there for a bit and move on....
"Well, I'm looking for a roommate. You could move in with me."
"How much is rent?"
(And he gives a figure that I can't very well afford.)
"Well, I only make [paltry amount here]. It's not bad, but I don't think I could."
"Oh."
"Besides, I've got lots of stuff. It won't all fit in that little room."
"I thinking of getting a new couch anyway...."
[Later in coversation]
"I would have to say no."
"Oh? Why?"
"I don't want to explain. I just wouldn't be able to. I have my reasons." One: clutter. Two: space. I need lots of it. Three: Moving in with him, even if it's just to help him temporarily with rent, even if it would only be a month or two, smacks a bit of commitment to me, given the way I feel about him. I am afraid of commitment. I will only go so far. Hell, I nearly got married. I know it's not a commitment (we're not even dating), but still, that idea is too weird for me. But on the other hand, it wouldn't be that bad. I wouldn't be afraid of anyone stealing anything from me. I would be able to drink on the fire escape and watch the sunset. I could start my nomadic ways now, live there for a bit and move on....
Wednesday, September 04, 2002
Monday, September 02, 2002
Remembering
The fire. It now just seems like a distant memory of something that barely exists anymore. It's in the sirens. It's in the sound of feet thudding against tile floor. It's in the smell of wood burning. It's in the power lines. It's everywhere yet nowhere.
WTC. I was looking at my pictures from NYC. I remember the World Trade Center, standing there, all tall and everything. It was an awesome sight. I think I'm going to make my own tribute to September 11...watch for it on my website. It will be cool. I hope.
The fire. It now just seems like a distant memory of something that barely exists anymore. It's in the sirens. It's in the sound of feet thudding against tile floor. It's in the smell of wood burning. It's in the power lines. It's everywhere yet nowhere.
WTC. I was looking at my pictures from NYC. I remember the World Trade Center, standing there, all tall and everything. It was an awesome sight. I think I'm going to make my own tribute to September 11...watch for it on my website. It will be cool. I hope.
Sunday, September 01, 2002
Hoopla and Such
They're making a big fucking deal out of the September 11 anniversary. Of course, whatever dedications there will be, most will be fraught with commercialism and idiocy...no poignancy or symbolism or anything worth weight. That makes me angry. When the hell is everyone going to wake up? I'm trapped in a nightmare of crazy people who think that the rest of the world will one day run us and that we have the right to bomb whatever the hell we want. I hate to burst their bubble...BUT WE'RE NOT IN A COLD WAR ANYMORE! We shouldn't be the police force of the world...but here our government sits, itching to bomb the hell out of Iraq. Just because we don't like their leader doesn't give us the right to go ahead and kill lots and lots of people. I was reading a commemorative issue of a news magazine, and I saw the term "just war" used. Can't we get out of the middle ages? What the hell? We did what we needed to do, now it's time to move on. We should forget about Iraq unless they actually do something. And the "war" on terror? Doesn't anyone remember Vietnam? Or is it just relegated to a footnote in our history? Look at how well we've done on the "war" on poverty and on drugs. WHY DO YOU PEOPLE THINK IT'S GOING TO WORK? It's times like this that I just want to run away to Germany and live there.....
They're making a big fucking deal out of the September 11 anniversary. Of course, whatever dedications there will be, most will be fraught with commercialism and idiocy...no poignancy or symbolism or anything worth weight. That makes me angry. When the hell is everyone going to wake up? I'm trapped in a nightmare of crazy people who think that the rest of the world will one day run us and that we have the right to bomb whatever the hell we want. I hate to burst their bubble...BUT WE'RE NOT IN A COLD WAR ANYMORE! We shouldn't be the police force of the world...but here our government sits, itching to bomb the hell out of Iraq. Just because we don't like their leader doesn't give us the right to go ahead and kill lots and lots of people. I was reading a commemorative issue of a news magazine, and I saw the term "just war" used. Can't we get out of the middle ages? What the hell? We did what we needed to do, now it's time to move on. We should forget about Iraq unless they actually do something. And the "war" on terror? Doesn't anyone remember Vietnam? Or is it just relegated to a footnote in our history? Look at how well we've done on the "war" on poverty and on drugs. WHY DO YOU PEOPLE THINK IT'S GOING TO WORK? It's times like this that I just want to run away to Germany and live there.....
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