The Baby Jesus Wails

Santa: First Strike!

COMING THIS CHRISTMAS:  It's been a long, hard summer as the elves toil mercilessly under the benevolent fist of Old Man Santa.  As winter sets in, so do the looming 20 hour days and cold, harsh air.  The underlying hostility of years past takes a stunning and dramatic turn this year when Santa begins to outsource his more lucrative jobs in order to fill some dubious "nice" orders.  The elves grow increasingly agitated and talk of unionizing permiates the workshop.  Santa, on the other hand, has some ideas of his own....

You don't want to miss this action-packed movie from the North Pole!!  Starring Jack Nicholson as Santa, Samuel L. Jackson as Inspector Elf #39, and Danny Devito as Eddie Elf, Julianna Moore as Mrs. Claus, with appearances by Christopher Walken, Robin Williams, and Conan O'Brien.

(I must say, God Bless Texas.  And I really don't want to know if you can buy that here in Wisconsin.)

So I was in WalMart buying stuff to organize with, when I came upon the most horrificly tacky splendor EVER.  In fact, I was so in awe of this abomination, that I stood in the aise shaking my head and muttering to myself, basking in its full and awful tacky glory.  If you have a sensitive stomach, I do not recommend looking further, as this is not for the faint of heart:

Yes, folks, that is the 6-foot inflatable snowglobe with a motor to blow the snow pellets on the characters.  But then, something else caught my eye.  OH. MY. GOD.  There was something EVEN TACKIER featured right next to it!

For $139.96, you too can sell your soul to Satan and make the baby Jesus cry!  Why, yes, Virginia, there is such a thing as a 8-foot Rotating Carousel Christmas Airblown Inflatable!  And I do suggest that you go see it in the store.  You really can't grasp the true horror of this unwieldy lawn orniment until you actally see it in action.

On the upside of this terrible discovery, I have now altered my plans of sightseeing the Worst Displays of Christmas to include a quest to find the tacky, heartless soul who puts these hideous mannifestations of the pagan holiday on their front lawn. Thank God I took the Friday before Christmas off of work!